I(38M) have done very well for myself financially. I won’t get into a lot of details, but my business makes high 6/low 7 figures in profit each year.
I am determined to not be an AH who just stockpiles money. I live a very fulfilling life but I also make sure to help my family (parents (60s) and my two brothers and their families).
The issue is this: one of my SILs teaches in a school in a very poor area. I drop about 6 figures each year in charity to help her school and the students (paying for food, clothes, supplies, and even funding a few programs). This is a separate help from what I provide to the rest of the family.
My other SIL has been looking into getting my nephew into some really fancy school, but since he hasn’t been with them since kindergarten, they are implying that he will only be accepted if his parents make a "substantial donation" to the school.
My brother and SIL came to me asking for me to provide said donation. I refused, because I think it would be better to provide for kids that really need help instead of some hoity toity private school with a crest and long history.
Long story short, after a long back and forth, my SIL says that I am an AH for playing favourites, and for ruining my nephew’s future by refusing to help him get into this school.
So AITA? I mean I could afford to do so, but I am refusing out of principle.
NTA, I teach in a school like that and anytime friends help (coats, snacks, $ for grocery gift cards) it’s a gift to my students and their families, and not to me (or to my own children.) I am endlessly grateful because I love my students, but in no way is it making my own family any better off.
Donating to your SIL’s school is basically a charity donation that in many cases, is literally helping kids to survive. Donating to a fancy private school is further widening the gap between the have and have nots.
I don’t even give the money to my SIL. I go through administration, and the only relation it has to my SIL is that she happens to teach in said school.
Even more so! My opinion is vastly colored by the fact that I am a STRONG believer in public schools, and think many private schools are a huge cash grab, as they pay staff very little, choose their students and often don’t accommodate for neurodiverse kids and just in general make society less equitable – but I still think my point is valid.
The need of the many, outweigh the need of the few, or one.
The school you currently donate too, many of the kids are benefitting from this. Who will benefit from the ‘posh school’? One child.
NTA
NTA They will expect you to pay for his tuition if he gets in.
NTA. It’s your money to do with as you please, and I agree with your stance about who to give it to. Any school that has the audacity to demand a “donation” i.e. a bribe is the last place that needs to be given money.
NTA. I don’t understand how you are playing favorites so you don’t donate to the other school to help a nephew. It’s just charity. And happens to be at a place SIL works. And SIL with nephew isnt asking you to donate at a school she works at. So there is no equivalence.
NTA, after the donation to get him in I’m sure they expect you to pay the fees each sem on top of that …..
nta. charity and bribes are not really in the same category, imho, and also as soon as someone calls me an ah i stop being willing to give them money, full stop.
NTA!
I went to a school like you are talking about. They don’t need the money…
Ask why they had kids they don’t wanna care for???
Flip their nonsense right back on them.
They are asking for you to finance their kids education. If you were not available to shake down what would they do???
NTA
NTA- those upper class private schools can be downright nasty. And your nephew’s future is not “ruined”- he can do just fine in a public school depending on his work ethic
You are NTA, and you’re already a very generous family and community member.
Giving money where it will make the biggest impact on the most people is both smart and kind.
Your nephew’s success at schools and in life is not your responsibility.
Gaining entrance into an exclusive school through bribery doesn’t teach much about being a decent person. It’s not the kind of message you’d want to give to your nephew. His parents have mixed up priorities.
NTA. Your nephew’s future does not depend on him getting into this school (and if it did, his parents should have planned better).
Edit: your SIL has a huge cheek actually. Asking you is iffy but not terrible. Calling your decision *favouritism* is irrational and entitled. What you’re already doing for them financially is obviously not appreciated – she sees you as a cash cow.
I think you should speak to your brother about this, point out that asking for money when you’re already giving them financial support is greedy, and his wife insulting you is unacceptable.
No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.