I (22F) have a close friend (23F) who has asked me for help moving apartments multiple times over the years. The first two times, I agreed, but she cancelled on me the night before both times, after I had already taken time off work and made arrangements. Last week, she asked for help again, saying this time was “for sure.” I told her I wouldn’t help unless she hired movers. She got upset and said I was being unsupportive and that I should stop “punishing her for the past.” She told some mutual friends I was being petty, and now I’m getting mixed reactions
NTA Bravo for being honest. Other people would have agreed happily figuring that she would cancel again. You helping her move is not her doing you a favour!!!
NTA. Those friends can help her then. She cancelled twice on you and now she is pissed that you won’t take off time until she commits more?
NTA- I wouldn’t consider her a close friend though, if she was my close friend I would try and work it out, with communication so we could move forward and become better friends.
NTA – I would help until the first time I got messed around, after that it becomes someone else’s problem.
That’s been my rule doing IT support for “friends” 20 years – happy to help provided you don’t play games but i have a zero tolerance rule for good reason
NTA. It isn’t your job in the first place. You were doing her a favor and moved your schedule around for her just for her to cancel.
NTA tell her you’re not “punishing her for the past“, you’re learning from it
NTA, let mutual friends help her.
NTA. Nobody is entitled to ur time, past issues or not. With the past issues I included, I certainly wouldn’t be taking time off work to help someone. If the help they need falls on a time ur not working & u feel so inclined to help, by all means, but don’t waste more time off for it.
Why did she cancel the last two times? Is it A domestic violence situation where she got scared to leave last minute? That would make this a very different story- and YTA. if she just got lazy or couldn’t commit and changed her mind about moving then NTA.
NTA
She bailed on you twice after you rearranged your whole day. Anyone would stop saying yes after that. Telling her “I’ll help if you get movers so I’m not left hanging again” is totally reasonable.
She’s only mad because you finally set a boundary. You’re not being petty, you’re just tired of getting screwed over.
What’s that comically terrible phrase George W Bush misquoted? Oh! “fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” Anyway, NTA. Moving is a huge pain in the ass, and eventually your friend will have the income to hire movers.
In the meantime, if this is an otherwise important person to you and you feel inclined to support her in some way, consider which parameters make sense to you and go with that. Maybe it’s bringing banana bread to her after she moves in. Or helping her clean up the old apartment. It is important to set boundaries for yourself this early in life, so be proud of yourself for doing so. But also, be civilized and calm about it. That could be how this friend is shoring up emotional support that’s causing you to get mixed responses from mutual friends.