For context, I’ve lived my childhood in a quite small house with my parents both working. My mom was obsessed with cleaning and would do chores everyday after work for years. She did this until she literally got burnt out. Because of that, I disliked doing chores. Of course I did what HAD to be done, like laundry, dishes, etc. but I just hated it. My mom also vehemently refused to hire some help even though financially we could afford it. The thing is, she let chores run her life, often declining going out or spending time with us because she was "busy at home".
In my twenties, when I also moved out, I started a business, which grew up to be enough to provide a comfortable living. Now given the fact that I also work for it like a full time job. (Even more at times!). Anyways, time went by, I got married, had a kid and then recently had a second. Discussions are ongoing about a third. Also, because both me and my husband had small houses growing up, we wished to live in a big spacious home. So we did.
Here is the issue. Both me and my husband work full time. He has his own job, I manage the business. We now have two kids. Laundry, dishes and dirt pile up instantly. I grew tired so I told my husband I need help. Note that we were both involved in doing chores at that time. I suggested hiring a maid, and he agreed, even recommended his distant aunt who does this for a living. I agreed, thinking it’s even better to have someone we know around the house rather than a stranger.
The woman started working for us and it was amazing. I no longer had to care for dirty dishes, or laundry or whatever. However, one day, when I was sitting on the couch and the maid was… you know… DOING HER JOB THAT WE PAY HER TO DO, my husband started suggesting we help her. I brushed him off as elegantly as I could, and so did the woman.
That night when she left, he called me out for not helping her. I gave him the biggest wtf stare and asked why would I PAY a maid if I had to also clean. If I needed to clean I AT LEAST WOULDN’T PAY HER, right?
We had an argument when he called me out for not helping her since I’m still on maternity leave (so to say, since I’m managing the business, I decide how much the leave is, the point is I don’t work as much as I used to because I want to care for my youngest kid just as I did for my first, but there are times when even so, I’m needed in the office). I told him the whole reason I hired her was for us NOT TO DO IT OURSELVES anymore. Besides, it’s not like I sit around all day, she comes around on alternate days, sometimes with two days break, depending on our schedule, and there are times when something needs to be done and we can’t wait for her. My husband called me a lazy ah and I told him he has no shame since I’ve given birth less than a year ago, run a business, mind the kids and still find time for him and he complains on me NOT CLEANING THE FUCKIN HOUSE, while HE AGREED to get a maid.
So, AITA?
NTA, your husband can help around too if it means that much to him.
NTA, but your husband sure as hell is a gigantic asshole. What is HE doing to help clean the house?
Nta why didn’t he help if he was so bothered by her doing it herself?
NTA – What was preventing your husband from helping the woman himself?
I’m pretty certain that his masculinity got in the way of helping the maid
I hate it when the dick gets in the way of doing the dishes! Right, fellas….
NTA. The whole purpose of *hiring* someone to clean your house is so that you don’t have to do it yourself. If he can’t keep the relationship with his family professional, then he shouldn’t be hiring his family to work for him.
Please factor these expectations in your considerations for a third child with this man.
NTA. Personally, I would ask him why HE didn’t continue to help her clean on his own? By his own logic, he is an AH for suggesting to help and then NOT DOING IT.
Good luck OP. He sounds hard-headed. Hope you get your point across!
So, if he hired someone to, I don’t know, service the furnace, would he insist on helping? No. He would not.
NTA. I’m a professional house cleaner and own my own cleaning business. Sometimes clients hire me to clean alongside them, and honestly I find it to be a huge hindrance. I have my own routines and my own ways of getting tasks done and having another person to worry about throws me off and makes me uncomfortable. I guarantee your maid does not want your help, and if she does, your husband is welcome to help himself.
If your husband wants to help… why can’t he do it? Why has it got to be you?
Also make a point of telling him he needs to tell his relative her wage will be cut as he’ll do her work. See if that changes his attitude.
Sounds like someone has been whispering in his ear about what you should and shoudn’t be doing.
Tell your husband you think it was a mistake hiring a relative and he needs to politely let her go so you can hire help that he won’t feel compelled to insist you join them in doing the job you’re already paying them to do. Tell him you’ll remember his bias if there ever comes a time to hire someone, you’ll insist it cannot be anyone he knows or is related to. Why is he acting like the hormone-laden hysterical pregnant lady?!? Does this turn you on or is he in some way fascinating to make up for his terrible personality and illogical stances??
Would he have thought to suggest helping the cleaning lady if she hadn’t been related to him?