I (29M) have always been close to my mom. Growing up, she was a single parent and worked hard to provide for me. I appreciate everything she did, but I’ve recently found myself frustrated with her financial decisions.
Recently my Mother has spent the majority of money saved throughout her lifetime on luxury’s (such as vacations!), items she did not need (ie – kitchen appliances), and other unnecessary items (gold jewelry!).
I attempted to speak with her regarding saving for retirement, but my Mother said she had put in her fair share of work during her life and is now entitled to enjoy her leisure time. When I had this discussion with my mother a few years ago, she stated that she wanted to travel all over the world (and) just take a break after spending so many years working hard.
At this point my Mother is having trouble paying her bills, so when she called me last week and asked if I would help her out financially until the end of the month I was understandably upset! I was upset because I know my Mother’s financial struggles are a direct result of the decisions she made! I told my Mother that as much as I wanted to help her, I could not offer her any financial help at this time because I have living expenses of my own.
My Mother became very emotional and angry, accusing me of being selfish and abandoning her in her time of need. Once I told her that I would be happy to help if she had managed her finances and lifestyle better, she has been silent since that conversation and has left me feeling guilty about not being there for her.
I just don’t know if I’m in the wrong for standing my ground. AITA?
NTA. I’m in the same boat with my mother now. I refuse to set myself on fire to keep her warm and she refuses to change.
This!! If i was comfortable enough to cover the both of us it’s the least i could do for her and repay her for the years she had my back, but i’m barely managing and she brought this upon herself, i just felt like an ungrateful bad son to her.
You never need to “repay” parents for raising you. Her “repayment” is that you are a smart, financially stable, independent adult.
NTA, but I feel bad for all these young people having to either take care of their parents or feeling guilty if they don’t. It just doesn’t seem right.
NTA she wanted you to provide for her financially so she can keep enjoying life. She needs to get back to work and not rely too n you for the rest of her life.
I really wish i could do more but can’t torture myself because she made bad decisions over and over.
It’s not your responsibility to subsidize her lifestyle because she decided to spend foolishly. This is spoken from a mom of adult children around your age. Unless she had you very late in life she probably isn’t that old. I would love to be retired too but we can’t always have what we want. She needs to go back to work.
NTA. Hold the boundary, but try to do it with love. Don’t take on her financial needs. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
NTA.
Unfortunately, you’re going to be the bad egg no matter what you say or do. Offer one last time to help her with getting a handle on her finances. Perhaps (if you can) pay for her to have a visit with a financial counselor.
However, you need to be very firm with her about what you are and aren’t willing to do. She will be determined to get you paying to bail her out; she may even insist she’s going to move in with you. Draw your line in the sand and then hold to it.
NTA
Your mother did this to herself. This is a self inflicted problem. She has options. Get a part time job, sell jewelry, downsize to a cheaper home, find a friend to gift her money and/or find a roommate.
Never set yourself on fire to warm another person.
You are not responsible for your mother’s situation now or in the future.
We raise our children to go out and be their own adults.
We don’t raise out children to be our safety nets.
Sounds like she wanted to live a live above her wealth and now has to deal with it. Your NTA.
Your mum ITA for thinking you can fix her problems.
NTA. Parents are supposed to support their children. Adult children are supposed to become independent adults who can support themselves and their own children should they choose to have them.
I’m always curious as to how much people like your mother contributed to their parents’ living situations. I’m betting none.
NTA
The fact that you offered to help her plan her finances better really shows what her intent was. If she really wanted to stop digging a hole for herself and her request for help was earnest, she’d have agreed with you and accepted your help that way.
I’d ask if she has anything of value to sell to help her through this tough time (the gold jewelry). Going to a pawn shop or having to part with a cherished piece might jolt her into awareness.
In the meantime, stand your ground. If she presses the issue, remind you that she taught you the value of being smart with your money (I’m guessing she did before the 180), and that she now needs to apply some of those same lessons.
This is not a transactional relationship. You do not ‘owe’ her for what she sacrificed when raising you. You truly do not have the finances to bail her out. Do not feel guilty. You have done everything you can.
She can sell the jewelry and appliances.