UPDATE: I feel like my explanation made it sound like I knew more about the new dates than I really did. She pretty much just texted me the dates (not as a question, as a statement), didn’t follow up with me, booked the tickets and then told me that I had said 100% yes to those specific dates, which didn’t happen.
Also I know it’s weird that I’m kind of babysitting a 17yo, my sister is on the spectrum and has a hard time taking care of herself, she’s very mature in a lot of ways but when it comes to food and cleaning it’s more like caring for a 12 year old.
I (24F) agreed months ago to house/dog/cat sit and stay with my sister (17F) for multiple weeks a few times this year so my mom (58F) could visit her boyfriend (60M) overseas before he moves back in the spring. When I agreed she didn’t give me exact dates, but said we’d confirm them together before booking flights. Shes paying me $1000 each time, and as a broke college student I felt like I couldn’t say no. While I’m there, she expects me to fully move into her house and not go out except for school and work.
I already did this for 2.5 weeks last month during my college finals and it was extremely hard. Her house is a two hour transit from my school and job. She has two large, difficult dogs and two cats that were peeing everywhere. On top of finals, I had to take care of myself, my sister, 4 loud and messy pets, deep clean the house, and get groceries with no car. I was very stressed and homesick. My sister also got very sick a few days in and stayed sick until I left. A couple days before my mom came back, she hired dog sitters to take the dogs because I couldn’t manage them, which I appreciated. I’m not blaming her for any of this, just explaining why it was so overwhelming.
Despite that, I was still willing to do it again. A few weeks ago she asked if Jan 31-Feb 16 worked. I said I wasn’t sure because my anniversary is Feb 14 and I’d get back to her. A week later, she told me she’d booked the flights. I told her we hadn’t confirmed and that Feb 14 doesn’t work, I want to spend my first anniversary living with my partner at our new home. She didn’t understand why it mattered and said I could just celebrate at her house. This turned into an argument where she got very angry, and her boyfriend (who was visiting at the time) said, “You’re not just doing a nice thing, you agreed to do this.” I felt ganged up on and asked to talk later.
After talking with my partner and roommate, they felt my mom was taking advantage of me. I texted my mom explaining I felt disrespected, that I want to help her, but I can’t do this if dates aren’t confirmed and I’m expected to uproot my life for weeks at a time. She ignored me for days, then we talked on the phone. She said she changed her flights so my grandma would cover the last few days and I could be home for my anniversary. I was grateful and told her I’m glad it worked out, but wanted to talk about how the argument and being ignored made me feel. She refused, said I did agree to the dates (I showed texts where I didn’t), and started yelling. She said she’s very angry at me, I hurt her, I complain about house sitting, I’m backing out of our deal, and she’s paying me so that should be enough. I stayed calm but was holding back tears and eventually ended the call because it was going nowhere and she was really angrily yelling at me.
She texted an hour later apologizing for getting angry and wants to call again today. My partner and roommate think I shouldn’t house sit again, but i don’t know AITA?
NTA since the dates has no mutual agreement
NTA
“When I agreed she didn’t give me exact dates, but said we’d confirm them together before booking flights.”
She booked flights before you’d confirmed availability. This is entirely on her. Could you have been clearer and said no upfront? Sure. Is the absence of no a yes? HELL NO.
As a broke college student getting paid a good amount of money, you have to make sacrifices. This is essentially a job you committed to. You’re here worried about an anniversary to spend it in a specific house? Idk an asshole, but it’s damn sure super privileged.
except it’s not good money. it’s $55 a day for hours of work, commuting 2+ hours to school and work, caring for 4 animals, taking care of a mentally disabled teen, all with no car.
NTa
you did not agree, she booked. Tell her to find someone else.
YOur mom is an AH. Just stop housesitting, and refuse to discuss it.
NTA. Seriously , why do you need to babysit a 17 year old?
You should have said ‘no’ to that date before you agreed to watch her house, YTA.
ESH – you for leaving your mom hanging for a week when you knew she needed to hear back from you.
Your mom for yelling and just not having the 17YO take care of herself and the dogs.
Since you agreed, do this last sit and then say no to future requests
YTA. She tried to confirm and you said you weren’t sure but you’d get back to her because of your anniversary, then didn’t say a word for a week.. because you knew you didn’t want to but opted to ignore telling her that. So she booked the tickets before prices jumped, which is reasonable as she knew you could do the dates given you said it was only your anniversary making you want to think about. You say that you hadn’t confirmed Feb 14th would work, but you didn’t tell her that it didn’t work either, she tried talking to you about it and you didn’t engage with her!
She is paying you roughly $60 a day to petsit, which is good rate, and as it’s something you agreed to it’s not taking advantage of you like your husband suggested.. she even paid extra for another dog sitter knowing you were struggling, that’s far from taking advantage. Last time was hard but you agreed to the dates, knowing it would be your finals, when you could have said no. Your sister is 17, you shouldn’t be doing much to care for her day to day (last time she was sick so that’s different to typical), you can ask your mum to stock up groceries so you don’t need to worry about that if it’s a stressor, and talk to her about the dogs and cats and what she does to manage them. Do the cats normally pee outside the litter trays? Do the dogs normally have behavioural issues? If so she’d likely have strategies for these things and you can ask for advice.
Perhaps her anger was an overreaction but I can appreciate her frustration, having not had a clear no, despite waiting a week; and then being told she’s taking advantage of you despite paying you $1000 each time, paid for an extra petsitter last time, and organising her mum to come and cover the days you don’t want to do.. if you don’t want to do it after Feb tell her this in no uncertain terms to avoid the again, without getting your husband involved in the conversation to avoid her feeling ganged up on.
ESH: you don’t keep someone trying to buy plane tix on hold forever; she bought them a week after your talk – and you still didn’t have an answer, how long were you planning to make her wait? That’s beyond rude. If the groceries are an issue you should have said something after the last stint & worked out a plan, like she stocks up for you before she leaves.
When not sick, looking after a 17yo is not that hard & I doubt the cats pee all over normally, did you discuss that with her?
Mom came across rude but fr – this isn’t a favour if you are getting paid, and I have a hard time believing you didn’t know her house & understand the commute before making the agreement. Tbh you sound kinda dramatic about the situation when it doesn’t call for it – either do it or don’t, but change your mind & don’t be shocked she’s upset or calls you out on going back on the agreement
ESH
NTA. How does your mom not remember your anniversary from last year and plan for you to be at her house. Yes, you should have gotten back to her in a more timely fashion. But no answer isn’t a yes.
YTA. She assumed it was ok because you took a WHOLE WEEK to get back to her. How long does it take to come up with a yes or a no?
You sound infuriating to make plans with.