I (22F) have been with my fiancé (22M) for five years. I have been nothing but kind and patient with my future mother-in-law (FMIL), but I’ve finally hit my limit.
Even though we were legal adults at the time, she once called me the “spawn of Satan” because my fiancé spent his prom night at my house. She has spent years trying to keep him under her thumb, and she even refused to let him get his driver’s license until he was 18 just so he’d stay dependent on her. He is 22 now and has spent years helping pay her bills. The situation peaked because we are moving into our first apartment together in 5 days. He has officially decided to cut her off financially, and her reaction has been nuclear. She says she will never visit because “the devil got him.” She claims I am “stealing” him and that it’s a mistake for him to live with me instead of her. She said to him that if we marry, she will be “super happy and relieved” when we eventually get a divorce. The absolute breaking point moment for me was a phone call he had with her on speakerphone. She told him he shouldn’t be having sex with me because I’m “not attractive enough,” and then she bragged about how she was such a “catch” in college and “got all the guys.” It felt incredibly competitive and frankly, creepy. I told my fiancé that I do not want her at our wedding. I refuse to look out at my guests and see a woman who is actively praying for my marriage to fail and calling me a demon. My fiancé knows her behavior is wrong and is standing by the move/financial cutoff, but he’s struggling with the "guilt" of excluding his mother from a major life event.
AITA for putting my foot down and saying she isn’t welcome at our wedding?
TL;DR: My (22F) FMIL called me the “spawn of Satan,” told my fiancé (22M) not to have sex with me because I’m “unattractive,” and says she’ll be “happy and relieved” when we inevitably divorce. Now that he’s moving in with me and cutting her off financially, she claims “the devil got him.” I don’t want her at our wedding, but my fiancé is struggling with the guilt of excluding her. AITA?
It’s OUR wedding. So, yes, if you unilaterally make that decision, ESH.
But please, please, please be adults together for at least another year or so before even starting to plan a wedding. He JUST cut her off. You are JUST moving in together. See how it goes once he isn’t under her roof.
This ⬆️
Info, when is your wedding?
NTA – you’re mother in law sounds like hell but I think find a middle ground with you partner. Tell him that he needs to get an apology/acceptance of your marriage out of her OR ELSE she isn’t invited to the wedding. Maybe son saying she’s not invited if she doesn’t apologize sets her straight. And if it doesn’t, you can tell your fiancé to hold up the “or else” part of the bargain.
NTA go no contact with the lunatic. Tell your fiancée you don’t want her there period if he doe say he isn’t sure you better think better your future maybe take some extra time before getting married. I get it may be hard for him but someone that disrespects you like that doesn’t deserve to be in your wedding and future milestones.
Yeah marriage sounds like a great idea for both of you. /S
I am saying this with the utmost concern for you: Have you lost your mind?
I know you love your fiancé to the moon and back, but if you get married it’s only going to be worse. He obviously hasn’t cut her out of his life and she isn’t suddenly going to be less of a witch. She’s going to cause so many problems that you’ll end up getting divorced. Bank on it.
This happens so often it’s almost a trope.
Hold off on the wedding until he decides if he wants you or her. There is no middle ground on this one.
NTA. But think carefully about this. I can understand why your fiance would find it hard not to have his mother at his wedding, but he needs to be able to set parameters for her being welcome in your life. He’s been living under her thumb for years, so it may take some more time.
The point is if he’s not yet ready to support you fully when she’s behaving this way toward you, it may not be the time yet to be married. In your shoes, I’d want to know 100% that I have my husband’s support.
Soft YTA, but not for your boundary.
He JUST is cutting off his abusive emeshed mother (because that is what it is) and he may be working through some co-dependency.
He will probably come around to this as well, but he is going to need time to get there.
Children are biologically wired to love their mothers, cutting off a parent is really hard to do. Most adult children do not do this lightly. He is litterally fighting against biology, and he has to unlearn all the stuff his mother forced him to learn his entire life. What he has experinced is called emotional incest.
Once he finds peace without her in his life, he will likely come around to not having her at the wedding. I think he just needs time.
Let him learn how to live without her in his life. You’re not the asshole for not wanting her in the wedding, you just threw too much at him.
I’d recommend he get therapy too.
If a child were to believe their parent were bad, it’d be an existential threat. When you’re helpless, if mom or dad can’t or won’t protect you, you’re in mortal danger.
So children don’t dare question if their parents might be bad. They decide *they* (the children) must be bad. And that’s a deep, DEEP identity lie that takes serious work to change.
It’s beautiful that you want to walk with him through this realization, because it really does sound like his mom is a bad parent. But it’s too complex a thing for two young people to piece their way through. Professional help will help both of you.
This. People say “just cut them off” like that’s a super easy thing to do. But when it’s your parents, who raised you, it REALLY isn’t. And it’s usually the absolute last resort after trying to make things work for years.
I’ve cut my dad off for years now. It still hurts. I still wish it hadn’t come to that. If he genuinely changed, I probably would still welcome him back. And I have literally everyone telling me I did the right thing, which is NOT the case for most people. Like, this is not an easy thing to do, people.
NTA and be prepared for your fiance to be working through a lot de-programming for the foreseeable future. It sounds like he has a nice shiny spine but it will be a long process for him. Check out r/justnomil for commiseration and some advice.
NTA. I’d be concerned she’d pull a fast one at the wedding and make it a catastrophe.
If you override his wishes about his mother, YTA. You need to work this out before planning a wedding.