I’m 22F, fresh out of college with a marketing degree my younger brother Alex(19) has Down syndrome. He’s verbal, funny, obsessed with superheroes and puzzles, but needs support with daily routines, social interactions and like medication stuff for his heart condition(hyper heart) and ofc like supervision to avoid impulsive behaviors. He attends a day program for young adults with disabilities and lives at home Parents (mom 48F, dad 50M) both work, mom part time retail, dad in logistics. From middle school and on, i was Alexs main helper like after school pickups, homework, meds, meltdowns, bedtime stories(sometimes). my older sister(25) moved out early and was rarely asked to help him, sheis busy with her career i skipped clubs, parties, even frats because alex trusts you most he calms down faster with you:( (by my parents) I still graduated on time, landed my dream entry level job at a high end tech firm (starts next month, $65k/year, great benefits) my parents congratulated me until Alex’s day program cut hours due to funding issues. No spots in alternatives for long time and private aides cost $35+/hour they claim they cant afford it (THEY %10000 can) So at the family lunch last week they cornered me alex’s program is ending soon they said we need you to quit the job and stay home to watch him during days because you are the only one he truly listens to. It’s just temporary family duty and you need to take care of your brother… i was shocked The job is my foot in the door deferring means losing it, restarting applications, maybe relocating. i’ve waited years for this independence i took care of my brother for a long time, and this job meant everything to me.. living my life again.. They brushed it off jobs come and go. Alex didnt choose this. You’ve always been amazing with him we can’t risk a stranger messing up his routine etc.. then i asked why my sister couldn’t help or why they couldn’t adjust shifts/use savings. Mom teared up she’s got her own life now we’ve given up so much it’s your turn to step up for your brother (but i was already taking care of him FULLLY) then i said no i’ve already signed the offer, bought work clothes, and planned my commute. This is my future and i dont wanna miss it Dad got mad so you’re picking a paycheck over your disabled brother’s well being? What kind of sister are you? I packed my things that night and moved in with a friend after while it was intense. Parents told family i’m ditching alex for some fancy job relatives call me selfish a few months won’t ruin your career, but lack of care could devastate him.. I geiunly love my brother, he has disabilities but he is the kindest brother that anybody can wish for i really care about him, but i feel like i did everything in my power to be there for him.. Please be honest am i the AITA?
Ok, I admit I didn’t read all of this because it’s a wall of text. Please consider breaking it up.
NTA.
You are not obligated to be your brother’s free full-time caretaker. We only get one life, you need to live yours. Take the job, move out, and live your life. That doesn’t mean don’t spend time with your brother, but you need to prioritize your life first.
Your parents are calling you selfish because they are used to being able to just dump things on you and you do it. Now is the time for that to stop.
Editing to say, I bet if you asked your brother, he’d want you to be happy in life. And that means taking this job and setting yourself up for a good future.
Anytime a relative gives her a hard time OP needs to tell them they can talk when they quit their job to look after the brother. She was parentified to a ridiculous degree, now she deserves to live her 20’s.
She also needs to do it now. Even though her family said it will be temporary. It won’t be. It will be forever.
Even if they did let her go 5 years on, now she has to go out there with a 5 year gap in her resume. Compete against others who don’t have an employment gap. And she’s missed out on 5 years of career learning, pay raises and overall advancement. It would put her years behind. Plus you know that they will always still ‘need’ her. It will never end.
I second this. OP, your parents are outright being manipulative by throwing the “he trusts you most” around. Even if it’s true, they’re his PARENTS, they should be that person for him, not you. They’re just being lazy and don’t want to take time out of their lives to be more present for their son during his difficult moments.
Yes, it will be difficult and stressful for them to step up where they’ve been lacking and I’m not going to sugar coat it, they will possible even resent you for saying no as it gets more difficult for them. But that’s not your responsibility, not your problem, you are not the parent.
Either that or they’ll bite the bullet, pay someone else to do it and everything will continue normally for them 🤷🏻♀️ they’re still probably going to begrudge you that money, just please don’t let them hold it over your head, it truly is not your responsibility.
NTA if youre in america then his DD waiver will cover an aide, your parents are gonna just have to stop pocketing that extra cash.
Any family member who calls you selfish for getting a hard earned job (in this economy!) should look after your brother themselves.
NTA
Your Mom likely doesn’t make $65K a year at a part time job. She needs to be his caretaker. NTA This isn’t your responsibility.
NTA. Parentification is a form of abuse. What they are asking of you is unreasonble. Congrats on the new job!
Exactly!! All those relatives can help out! Jfc
The older sister saw the writing on the wall. She knew the parents weren’t preparing him for support and had no plan other than obligating one of their kids to a life of care so she ditched the minute she could. They managed to force it in you until you reached a normal time to leave and now they’re upping the pressure.
They should have planned their whole lives for this time period, but they didn’t. They just assumed you could be manipulated into being their free support service.
A few months most likely will morph into a few years. It may take years to get funding reinstated.
Not your child, no your problem.
Live your life. Your parents and the ever so helpful relatives can coordinate his care together. If everyone sacrifices for your selfish parents they’ll figure it out.
Sounds like your mom is choosing a paycheck over her son
You know if you did stay “temporarily” there would be a series of events that would keep you there a very long time, until you became his permanent caregiver
It’s nonsensical from a pure financial standpoint for OP to give up $65k to stay home while mom keeps working retail.
I think the reason they’re asking OP for her to care for her brother versus asking OP to help pay for the care they can’t afford is because the parents long term plan is for OP to take care of brother forever.
I really encourage OP to look into therapy. This isn’t going to be an easy boundary to set and enforce, having a neutral party you can talk with who can help support you in figuring out how you want to handle all of this and following through would be helpful.
NTA
Tell all of the relatives calling you selfish that they are more than welcome to step up and assist but given that you spent your entire childhood raising your parents’ son, you’re going to go have a life now.