So I 24M have a friend 27M who I’ve known for years. Over time, he’s asked to borrow money multiple times for different reasons rent, food, emergencies, etc. At first, I didn’t mind helping because I genuinely care about him. The problem is, he rarely pays me back on time, and sometimes I have to keep reminding him. There were even a couple of times where he completely ignored me when I asked about it, only to come back later asking for more money like nothing happened. Recently, he asked me again for a pretty large amount. I told him I couldn’t help this time unless he cleared what he already owed me. He got upset and said I was being selfish and that “real friends help each other no matter what. Now he’s been distant and telling mutual friends that I switched up on him when he needed me most. I feel bad because I know he’s going through a tough time, but I also feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Am I the ass hole?
Nta. A loan is a loan, a gift is a gift. He is asking for gifts.
NTA. You’re not a bank or ATM.
Never lend more than you can afford to lose. And make sure your relationship is balanced (equal effort/energy/support on both sides) – if not, let the user go.
Absolutely NTA. If I were in this friend’s shoes I would make sure I cleared my previous loans before asking for me, it’s common sense. How rude and entitled of him.
You can always honestly say that you don’t have extra money to lend him. (You don’t, you need your funds for your own use, emergencies, and future.)
Just because you’ve known someone for a long time and they can be fun to hang out with, does not make this person a friend. He’s showing all the signs of a user and manipulator. You never have to lend money to people, and you don’t have to keep crappy people in your life because you’ve known them a while. It’s an important life lesson to learn in your 20’s. NTA
As a person that has loaned a lot of money over the years, this is fairly simple. As mentioned above, only loan what you’re willing to lose.
Friends and family don’t get to decide what your personal parameters are for anything. Lending money, giving rides, etc.
Tell him you can’t lend him money. And when he collects the money he owes you, he can lend it back to himself on your behalf, no questions asked.
i will take this for sure. thank you so much
This is easy Dad advice. We’ve lived it and are hopefully to pass it on to those who are willing to listen and apply critical thinking lol.
I read your initial post again and wanted to address something. If he thinks it’s selfish of you to withhold money he needs, why isn’t it selfish of him to ask for it?
self·ish
/ˈselfiSH/
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
NTA. The “real friends help each other” thing is based on I help you, you help me. How does he help you? And what does he do to show he’s a “real friend”?
It sounds to me as though your so-called friend just views you as an ATM he can draw on whenever he needs and not worry too much about repaying. You feel like you’re being taken advantage of because you are.
Tell him and your mutual friends that you’ll be glad to help whatever way you can – an ear to listen, the occasional meal or ride – but you have made a New Year’s Resolution no longer to lend people money, so if the only use they have for you is as their ATM they can bug off to an actual bank.
If your friend is lax in paying pack loans, do NOT give him another loan. You *might* considere a new loan after he has paid back all his old ones. NTA.
The bank of Mariee is closed. You’re not helping him in any way. You’ve enabled him to avoid getting his act together. If any of your mutuals wants to side with him, they can fund him too!
NTA. This a one way friendship. He is only there because of money. The moment you stop lending him money, what you perceive as friendship is over.