I know relationship posts are a no-no, but this scenario could easily be between friends and family as well so I’ll try posting here 🤷♂️
So my girlfriend (21F) and I (23M) broke up recently after a year-and-a-half relationship (she broke up with me).
If I’m honest with you all and myself, I was mostly to blame for the breakup thanks to my continuous struggle with cannabis use. I’m an addict in recovery, but even with NA and other supports it’s been tough and I haven’t been as committed a boyfriend as she deserves. But, I digress.
For my birthday last year, she gifted me a scrapbook that she spent hours hand-crafting. And this wasn’t just some photos and stickers intermingled with nice messages. She had done whole-page illustrations, mini set-pieces from shows we’d seen together (mainly musicals like Moulin Rouge & Come From Away) all interlaced with her favourite photos of us & friends from both digital cameras and the myriad disposable cams she had bought and used since we met.
I was honestly floored when I received it initially, it was the most beautiful, heartfelt and personalised gift I’d ever received. And to boot, it was also full of written notes from her to me – some of which referenced very private knowledge or obscure in-jokes – that each corresponded to a page/chapter of the scrapbook. I’ve had it for around a year since then, and it’s one of my most treasured possessions.
Now however we are broken up. While the actual break up was a tearful affair, admittedly it’s for the best. I have some serious work to do and she needs more stability than I can give her. And, while we are still on relatively good terms post-relationship, she would like the scrapbook back, and this is creating some tension.
I have made it clear that it is so, so precious to me still, and the memories & messaged contained within are still happy ones for me, circumstances notwithstanding. And, as I’m actually checking myself into rehab a month from now, I wanted to bring it with me as a motivator. What I lost, why I lost it, that kind of thing.
She asserts that she put literally all the effort into making it (true) and feels similarly about the scrapbook, but since she made it and gifted it to me, she should have it back. My retort here is that yes, you GIFTED it to me, making it mine effectively. Hence, I’m keeping it.
AITAH here? Should I give the scrapbook back? I haven’t really received much useful input from friends and family who aren’t biased so I’m coming to reddit to ask.
NTA. It was a gift to you. It’s yours. I appreciate that she put so much into it, but she doesn’t get to demand it back. And that’s the case even before considering that it could also very much help you in rehab.
Ouch, this is difficult. But, while it’s great that your ex did such a wonderful job making the scrapbook, she GAVE it to you. It is inappropriate for her to ask for it back. It sounds as if she’s got some lingering feelings and hasn’t sorted the relationship out in her mind very thoroughly. Well, you get to keep the gift she gave you.
NTA, and best wishes on working toward your sobriety.
NTA. Keep the book. It is rightfully yours.
NAH but how about you just take some pictures/ scans of the book so you can both have it (even if its only digitally)
Take the book to a professional photocopy shop and have copies or scans and prints made of each page. Then keep the copies and send the original back to her. You can then make those pages into an album or frame the pages to hang up.
NTA. She worked very hard, and I get her wanting it back, but since it was a meaningful gift to you, you do have the right to keep it. It’s not some family heirloom like her great-grandmother’s ring or something.
At the same time, if you’re waiting a whole month before checking yourself into rehab, a lot can happen to the scrapbook between now and then and you could end up with it being stolen, destroyed, or who knows what.
One suggestion is that you take photos of each page and each note. If they don’t take your phone, you will have the memories in a safe format.
PS — I strongly suggest that you don’t wait a month.
I mean…in theory, if you can admit that you were mostly to blame for the relationship not working, I think it would be a kind gesture to return it. At the end of the day, it’s yours. But she probably gifted it to you thinking that you two would be together for a while longer. I think it’s tricky and honestly NAH. I also think no matter what the majority of people here say this is a situation where you have to come to a decision on your own and make a genuine choice.
NTA – that’s not what a gift is. I am a crafter. I have spent hours making cross-stitched pieces to give to people.
Some of those people ended up being toxic and I cut contact.
One of the things I did \*not\* do was demand those gifts back. For all I know, they still have them. The only times I’ve asked for a gift back were when my MIL and my mother passed, and I asked for those pieces out of the estates.
The video idea in another comment would be a good compromise \*if\* you’re inclined, but a gift becomes the property of the recipient. Otherwise, it’s a loan.
Tough one. Technically NTA because it was a gift, but do you really want to keep it knowing she wants it back so badly? Why don’t you take pictures of your favorite parts and closeups of the details and give it back. Go into rehab on a positive note
Why does she want it back exactly? Just so you don’t have it?
NTA bordering on NAH.
It is yours. Even though you guys broke up, that doesn’t mean those memories cease to exist.
I understand her feelings too, especially when it comes to the amount of work. I myself am an artsy person and would be a little put out if I had spent significant effort making something for someone who I was no longer on good terms with.
However in the same way, the gift is an intimate one that she made for you. You also still appreciate it very much and aren’t devaluing it. I would take lots of pictures of it regardless of the decision you make regarding what to do with it.
NTA. A gift is a gift. The scrapbook is yours, no matter how much effort she put into it.
>*”I am keeping a hand-made scrapbook that my ex gifted to me even though she wants it back after our breakup. I feel right in keeping it, but seeing as she’s the one who made it – even as a gift – should she reclaim it?”*
The choice is yours because the item is yours. She can claim it all she wants, but her ownership of the item ended when she gave it to you. There is no imperative — ethical, legal, or moral — for you to return it.
Good luck with your recovery!
I’ve gifted scrapbooks to boyfriends-even after we broke up-i didn’t expect them back-nor should she…
Gifts are not refundable at the end of a relationship. If she wants a copy you can photo copy it for her