My friends and I (18F) have been roughly planning on having a girls trip to Montreal, we haven’t settled on any commitments yet but we’ve been looking through airbnbs and activities. One day, one of the friends Isabella brings up a cool music festival and asks the groupchat if we wanted to go. Within a day, we all respond and get super excited about going to the festival, already planning potential days and researching prices (Isabella does not respond the whole day, usually never texts in the groupchat). The next day, when we were planning airbnb/hotel situation, she just asks, "Is there room for my two friends, Renee and Lisa? We can fit 10 right?" and no one knows these two girls. Only Isabella knows these them and my friends politely say that this trip was meant for just the 8 of us, accommodating 2 extra people makes things more difficult, and that we were just uncomfortable with the idea of staying with two strangers.
Isabella then goes on to reveal that she was also planning a Montreal trip with those two girls (the two girls don’t even know each other) and she felt bad that they didn’t have a room situation. The two girls also wanted to go to the music festival with Isabella. The conflict was that she didn’t know OUR Montreal trip was conflicting with her side plan with her two friends. We got a bit upset because she didn’t even check in with us to make sure things weren’t conflicting and it seemed like she was planning more with her other friends (that was more on a whim) when our Montreal trip was something we’ve always been talking about. Realistically, the only two choices she had was stay with us and say no to them or stay with them.
When we expressed our frustration, it took so long after all the excuses she made until she finally took accountability. The problem is she didn’t state a plan of action following the apology, because it was clear she didn’t want to have that tough conversation with them but she wanted to "make things all work" and please everyone. She could’ve sent them a text as soon as she saw our texts and apologize for the miscommunication but no, it’s almost like she refuses to. By the end of the whole conversation, she said "I still don’t know what to do" following her apology. That’s what upsets me because it felt as though she’s more willing to compromise our feelings and comfort over two people she only met like 3-5 months ago just because she doesn’t want to disappoint them. Like is she even really sorry if she doesn’t know if she wants to let them know that we’re uncomfortable with staying with her friends? Not only do I feel blindsided by her lack of thinking but I feel like my feelings are being less prioritized. AITA for being too harsh?
NTA. Having folks you don’t know on a trip really changes the vibe. You need to make very clear to her that things won’t “just work out”, and that failing to plan is planning to fail. Give a deadline for her to choose her course of action or she will keep dragging it out. Also, get her money (and everyone else’s, really) before booking anything non-refundable.
NTA. What you’ve said doesn’t even sound harsh at all. I wouldn’t be comfortable having two people I’ve never met, and have only been known to another friend for a few months, come on a close friends trip either. And the way she was sneakily planning on the side then trying to bring it into your trip is weird and frankly rude. She was planning two trips at once and tried to combine them.
NTA for refusing to include them. I strongly advice just telling her since shes have such a problem making this decision, why doesn’t she must go with them and the rest of you can keep planning your existing trip without her. I say that because im worried she will show up with them anyway, or complain and whine the entire trip. Its jsit easier to make the decision for her. If you decide to do that, be sure to create a new gc without her so she doesnt crash your plans and tey to force the issue.
Agree, make it clear this was always a closed group event.
That’s the thing, it was always pictured as a “just us” trip and we explicitly stated that to her. She still doesn’t know what to do even with our concerns put out there.
Agreed, she can get a hotel room with them and they can join your group for parts of the festival but have their own accommodations. Bluntness is best in a case like this.
Sounds like she is a people pleaser and she is stuck in a loop.These 2 people who do not know each other but want to go with her to a festival? bit odd, is she expected to cover one or both of there costs?
I would be tempted to go and talk to her face to face by yourself or with one other friend. Go with sympathy and check she is OK. It is a simple fix as you know, so offer to help talk her through what she needs to say to these randoms
If she digs her heels in and sticks to saying she needs to travel with them, fair enough, you tried. But give her one shot, she might need a good friend right now
NTA honestly, if she’s having trouble making up her mind, and having trouble telling her new friends that they can’t be included in the group plans, then exclude Isabella too. Although, I’ve dealt with this horseshit from far too many people in my life, and have no more patience for it. I get it that this situation makes Isabella look bad for trying to play too many angles and manipulate all of her friends, but she’s stuck now and she’s going to look like an AH to one group or the other. Maybe she will learn to not be playing on people’s time in the future.
Absolutely NTJ.
NTJ. Tell her to go with her new friends and maybe you’ll see her there.
NTA, but it sounds like you are more interested in «accountability» than finding a solution here. Ok, your friend fucked up, but she’s your friend. How about she gets an Airbnb with her friends, and you can all hang out at the music festival? You and your core group will still have your place to yourselves, and everyone is happy.