Here is some background. I am currently in the United States pursuing my master’s degree. I come from a middle-income family in a poor country in Southeast Asia. The cost of tuition and living expenses has been a heavy burden, especially for my sister, who has sponsored my education since my father passed away.
When deciding between studying in the U.S. or Australia, cost of living was a major factor. My uncle offered to let me stay with his family in Los Angeles rent-free, which significantly reduced expenses. I also did not know anyone in Australia, so choosing the U.S. seemed practical and financially responsible.
However, living here has been emotionally exhausting. My uncle’s wife frequently complains about me, even though I am rarely at home. To avoid conflict, I stay on campus from morning until 10 p.m. on weekdays and work weekends at a fast-food job. I try to minimize my presence to prevent arguments.
I understand I am living rent-free and feel I should not complain. Still, her behavior often feels unfair and inconsistent. She treats me differently from her own relatives and holds me to stricter standards.
Some examples of the “double standards”:
* **Contradictory rules:** She complained about a “medicine smell” in my room. When I opened the window to ventilate it, she said I left it open too long. They even used plastic and tubing to block airflow from my room.
* **Unfair blame:** She accused me of causing a water leak and peeling paint, but my uncle later admitted the issue existed before I moved in.
* **Lack of privacy:** I feel constantly monitored. She checks if my trash is full, whether my shades are open, and reviews security cameras to track my movements.
* **Financial hypocrisy:** She complains about me staying for free, yet is willing to lend her own nephew $5,000 and discourages my uncle from helping me with basic needs, such as signing a rental contract for my driver’s license.
* **Personal coldness:** When I came home early with the flu, her only response was telling me not to infect her children.
I have not told my family about this because I do not want to worry my sister. Last year, she was laid off from her job, and since she is the breadwinner, it was very stressful for all of us. Our home country’s economy is unstable. Currently, I pay for my own living expenses and half of my tuition, and I still owe my sister money that I intend to repay. If I move out, it will take longer to pay her back. At the same time, I work five days a week and study two days a week, and I am afraid of burning out.
**My questions:**
1. Am I being ungrateful because the room is free, or is this emotional mistreatment?
2. How can I survive the next few months until graduation without burning out?
3. Should I tell my family the truth, or continue hiding it to protect my sister from additional stress?
Go and talk to your college and see if they can help at all. It sounds like there is more going on than you are aware of. Maybe have a chat with your Uncle and say how you feel. At the end of the day this will effect your studies, so you cannot continue like this as it is unfair on your sister to not make the best of this opportunity
OP so you think you can chat to your uncle and let him know you are fearful off upsetting your aunt and trying your best, but you’re finding it exhausting?
Surely he is also exhausted by her – she sounds awful!
NTA, but I can understand where your uncle’s wife is coming from. I don’t agree with her actions and how she takes out her own problems onto you, but it can be stressful to have someone live with you and become a new addition to your lifestyle. What if the problem isn’t your presence? Have you been offering to do chores or help around the house in exchange for free housing? I don’t know how long you’ve been living with your uncle but sometimes it takes a brutal amount of time for someone to get used to living around you. Also, what has your uncle been doing in response to her immature behaviours? If he’s tolerating it or not doing anything about it, the emotional tension and strain it will have on you is not worth it. Coming home isn’t going to be a break for you anymore, it’s just going to feel dreadful. If you’re working 5 days a week then I think it’s worth it to save up and try to find a small apartment near your college.
NTA. Your uncle’s wife shouldn’t be treating you like that. It’s probably disagreement between uncle and her on whether they wanted to let you stay at all, so she is resentful because she doesn’t want you there.
But also curious, as you mentioned, it’s a master’s degree. Why did you choose to pursue a master’s degree if your sister is the sole breadwinner in the family? Won’t that increase the burden on her?
Have you talked to your Uncle about it? It sounds like the Aunt wasnt really on-board with you staying with them. Also have you met the wife before? Your basically a stranger that moved in.
NTA, problem there seems to be your uncle offering a help that brings you more problems instead. When offering to host you, did he not know the person he’s married with?
1. Not ungrateful, but you should seriously consider the possibility of moving out into dorms or whatever cheap situation you can find. Yes it’ll cost more and it’ll take longer for you to pay your sister back, but the alternative seems infeasible.
2. Same as above. You’re working hard and not having decent rest, you burning out is a matter of when.
3. Absolutely yes. Covering up this mistreatment is only beneficial to the oppressor and her reputation. Plus, your sister will learn about it eventually, and won’t be happy you hid it from her.
OP, I got a message that you did reply to my post but I can’t find it here in the thread so I have no way to reply to you, sorry!