I honestly don’t know exactly why I’ve decided to share this experience on Reddit, I don’t know if it will help. But I feel blindsided by a situation with my mother and I need some perspective.
My son is the only thing keeping me going if I’m honest, and I will do everything I possibly can to ensure I raise him right and keep him safe. I’ve read a lot about baby safety recently; I know everything that needs to be known about safe sleeping.The issue arose when my mother came over to help with the nursery. She brought a set of "traditional" bedding, including thick quilts, pillows, and cot bumpers. I immediately told her that is not safe. Sleep aids, cot bumpers and any kind of pillows in a baby’s cot increase the risk of SIDS massively.
I asked her politely to please look at removing anything that could endanger the baby’s life. She laughed it off and said I was being "neurotic" and that "we all survived." When I insisted that they couldn’t be used, she became incredibly defensive, accusing me of thinking she’s a bad mother and saying I’m being cruel by rejecting her gift. It feels so cruel that she would put her ego above my son’s safety. I told her that until she respects the safety guidelines, she won’t be looking after him unsupervised.
Now the family is involved, telling me I’ve hurt her feelings and that I’m overreacting. I honestly feel like I’m sinking most days with the pressure of being a parent, and this added drama makes me feel like my head is going to explode. The complexity of emotions is difficult enough to deal with without being made to feel guilty for protecting my son.
I feel fear because of the unknowns if I leave him with her. I don’t want to be unreasonable, but if something’s going to happen, good or bad, I need to know I did everything to prevent the bad.
AITA for drawing this line?
NTA. I really don’t understand why people try to “logic” away parental preferences. Like, Mom wants it, therefore just do it. When I babysit, I may not be the greatest with kids, but you better believe I will follow instructions from Mom/Dad to the T.
NTA. “Mom, you had your chance to raise children and decide what’s best for them. This is my child and I will be making decisions based on what I feel is safest. You can either accept that we may have different opinions, but mine ultimately matters when it comes to child, or I have no choice but to keep him safe under my supervision around you. I will not allow you to take risks simply because it didn’t harm us years ago. Guidelines change based off new research.”
NTA. You survived, some kids didn’t. Grandma can get over hurt feelings a lot easier than your son can get over death.
NTA. Respect your feelings. It’s your life, your baby, and not your mother’s to control.
So, take a break from your family. Also, see a doctor to see why you feel like you are “sinking most days” instead of taking joy in this new human being you created. Be kind to yourself. Get support from your doctors.
It’s true a new baby is overwhelming as you figure it out, but it gets easier week by week until it becomes pure joy.
You are NTA. When I became a grandparent more than 30 years after last having a baby I learned that so much has changed since then. Of course my first reaction was to think it didn’t hurt my child when I did it but also when my child was born we had home phones and internet was not available in homes. When my mother was pregnant with me she smoked and drank (in moderation) and car seats were considered an option. There are photos of me laying in a wicker laundry basket when I was a newborn on the back seat of the car. That is how I was transported.
So much has changed from one generation to the next. Our minds need to remain open to the progress that has occurred.
You are NTA. You are protecting your child with the knowledge that has been acquired. Your mother needs to stop making this about her and to accept that things are not as they were when she had her babies.
NTA. Sleep safely is important.
I often got the “we survived” argument after my first son was born. I would respond with “not really”. More children today survive than 50 years ago, and it’s due to increased knowledge and safety measures.
Don’t let them get you down. Stand your ground, set boundaries, and enforce the consequences of their actions.
This. “Everyone I know survived”≠ “Everyone survived”.
NTA, DOCTORS AND NURSES specifically prohibit loose blankets etc now and acknowledge that medicine and understanding of SIDS has progressed since our parents were parents. She needs to understand that what was „ok” when she was a mom (=she was not a bad mom, just the instructions were different) is now „dangerous and risky” and NEEDS to respect that. Can you frame the conversation around medical field or won’t she listen?
When my son was under a year old I had him in a daycare and I explicitly told them to never put him to sleep on his stomach, only on his back.
I told them I didn’t care if they put other babies to sleep on their stomachs, with my child they were to never do it because I had read the latest medical information that showed the chance of a child who was not yet able to roll over on their own greatly increased if you put them to sleep on their stomach.
Things were great for a couple of months until guess what? They put him to sleep on his stomach one day and he smothered.
When they found him he was blue, he was rushed to the hospital and survived. They kept him overnight to make sure that there wasn’t anything else going on.
But naturally I was furious, because if they had just followed my one safety rule none of this would have happened.
Happy ending: my son has always been very healthy and is 30 years old now and doing great! But we could have had a much more tragic ending and in fact almost did because somebody decided they knew better than the mom.
My point is stand your ground with your mother no matter what. You are 100% correct that the new information is all of that stuff in the crib greatly increases the chance of SIDS. You are already a great mom!!
The fact that ANY of us survived childhood is somewhat of a miracle but that doesn’t give your mom a pass!
I’m just being nosey, but did the daycare face any repercussions for almost killing your child?
I’m incandescently furious on your behalf, even 30 years later.
Ugh the negligence of that daycare. Truly awful. The “back to sleep” campaign launched in 1994, so yes 30 years ago it was a fairly new practice but they absolutely should have listened to you.
My twins are 1 year old and are both stomach sleepers since they learned to roll. We still set them down in their cribs on their backs or their butts because that’s the safest way. They both immediately roll and are often in the exact same positions with their little bootys in the air.
NTA. “We” survived. My cousin didn’t.
We didn’t “all survive”. Thats why there are better safety practices, because of baby deaths!
Stick to it. This is important. NTA.