Hey guys! So my friend (23F) and I (22F), we’ve been really close friends for 3 years now. We chat every day, we update each other almost immediately if something happens. We can talk about anything, we can tell each other anything. When she was at her lowest, I was the first person she reached out to, so we really trust each other.
However sometimes I feel like I don’t truly mean that much to her. She always expressed her desire to have a friend group that loves to party wildly, and I know I couldn’t be part of it, because I’m the opposite kind to those kind of people and also I’m not a big fan of clubbing.
She has tried to make friends with several groups, but always came back to me complaining about her disappointment in them, as they didn’t turn out to be as she imagined. And deep down, I always felt like she would immediately ditch me the moment she’d found the perfect group of people.
So like a month ago she met another girl, who happened to have several friend groups who always go out to party and all of them are super wild. They’ve been going out every weekend ever since. Although the last time she went out with me (“her best friend”) was 2 months ago.
3 weeks ago we were planning to have a phone call, but turned out she went out with her new friends last minute, and the thing that hurt me the most is that she didn’t even tell me she wouldn’t make it.
And yesterday, we were supposed to have a cozy day together, but she wanted to reschedule last minute, as she went out the night before again, but the party was so crazy, that it lasted until 12 pm. She said she didn’t imagine it to last that long, but she was a mess now.
The thing is, I have super big exams coming up now, and I also have a part-time job, so I can’t really afford to go out anytime she wants me to. I have told her that I could only make it this week, the next time I’m available will be after all my exams, which is the very end of January.
After this she completely ghosted me, although I know she’s online. I truly swear I didn’t lie when I said I’m only free after my exams, like it’s not my fault that I have exams. But all the thing she does just feels so disrespectful towards me. I feel like she puts these strangers above me. And it’s like I mean nothing, which hurts so bad.
So I don’t know if I’m right, or if I’m being childish or selfish and just overreacting.
NTA. You told that you have plans. I could maybe see her being mad if you didn’t have anything, but you actively have things to do. She can’t expect you to always be free and willing to drop anything when she decides she wants to talk to you. Truly she doesn’t seem like a good friend. The second side found people she could party with she continuously canceled plans.
You’re NTA. Your former best friend sounds pretty egocentric.
NTA- You told her your boundaries of the time that you would be able to spend with her, and what you would be available for as an activity, and she disrespected it. She only likes you when you are convenient for her, and doesn’t like respect who you are as a friend.
On another note, you are in your early 20’s the struggle between school, exams, and partying is fickle, and everyone is self-absorbed. It’s a harsh reality. I wouldn’t let is deeply hurt your feelings, I would just work on expanding your own friendship circles. Not telling you to ditch her, but find others that also like to do the things you do.
Do you really have an NTA ask here? You told your friend you could meet yesterday, or in late January.
Your friend prioritized partying until 12 pm.
You say “I always felt like she would ditch me once she found the perfect group of people”. You’re right. You feel like she puts these strangers above you – not necessarily because individually she likes them or values them more than you, but because she wants a to party wildly, and these people party wildly.
She values partying wildly more than you.
Stop groveling about how disrespectful she is and just move on. She doesn’t think it’s important to loop you in to change plans OR she can’t keep track of things like your phone call OR your disappointment is clear and she finds that uncomfortable. Maybe she feels guilty and doesn’t like that.
Either way, you have incompatible interests, so do what she did – find yourself a friend or friends who want what you do: cozy times. It would help if they also have a month of exams that require hard study so they get where you are with that.
NTA for refusing to move your plans. Even without all the background context of the poor way she’s been treating you, she was the one who couldn’t make your original plan. You told her the next time you’re free is after your exams. So I don’t see how you could possibly be an AH for that, or how she could take from that, that you don’t want to hang out at all given you proposed an alternate time?
When you say she completely ghosted you, what do you mean? Like she hasn’t replied to your last message for a few days, or she’s ignoring multiple messages, or something else?
You’re not being childish, selfish or overreacting. Have you spoken to her about the way you feel your dynamic has been lately? You deserve to speak up for what you want. Your feelings are important and you should be treated with respect and care in your relationships. If she’s a real friend, she should reflect on her behavior and how it’s made you feel once it’s brought to her attention.
I’ve sent her multiple texts, and she hasn’t even opened them.
And we’ve talked about my concerns. She said that these people are only good for partying and nothing more. And I’m the only one she trusts and I’m her best friend.
However her actions don’t reflect it in my opinion, but I’m not sure if I see it clearly
You’re NTA but you’re also growing out of this friendship. Just let it go gracefully instead of trying to hang on to someone who clearly treats you as a backup at best
NTA but you were right that she’d ditch you once she made other friends. Unfortunately there are a lot of people like that out there. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, your exams, and doing things you enjoy, invite her and stay in touch if you want, but unfortunately she’s shown that she can’t be counted on.
You’re NTA, but you’ve outgrown this friend. You’re in different stages of life / maturity levels.
She’s flakey, you’re not. There needn’t be a big blow up or fight, but I would stop relying on her and concentrate on those friends who are in the same stage of life as you, ie, exams, study and career.
NTA. Her ghosting you now is a manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty for having boundaries. A real best friend would apologize for being “a mess” and respect your study schedule.
You are a young adult and for some in that age group, change comes rapidly. Your friend is in that group. She is changing rapidly and you are changing slowly. Nothing wrong with either, but they are vastly different. Throughout life, we grow and how we handle our meaningful relationships during those times is an indicator of what kind of human we turn out to be.
NTA
NTA but from a guys perspective you overreacted. I haven’t spoken with my best friend of over 50 years in at least 6 months. He will probably come by the house to my xmas eve party but I don’t know, he only makes about 90% of them. We have emailed each other and just haven’t been able to coordinate getting together. Either you can get together or you can’t. My self esteem isn’t tied to having to be with anybody else. Enjoy the company when you get together and if it isn’t working out with her just make another friend, find a hobby and put yourself out there to make new friends and if ya’ll can get together you will.
NTA, and while I think your friend is rude and a bit TA, I really think this is just you two finding different paths your lives are going down, you even mentioned yourself you’re not the kind of person to want to go out to clubs and party (which is no biggie, it’s overrated for some people). Honestly? I would basically put her on the platform of “if we can we can” meetups, just realizing her priorities are different from yours. Give people the energy they give you in cases like this.