I apologize if this post is long, I don’t intend for it to be. But, for the sake of the story I have to provide some context.
I, 22F, still live at home with my mom, 45F. I’d like to preface this by saying: I would not live here if I could help it. I’m a college student with demanding coursework for my major. I do have a job, but I wouldn’t be able to afford rent, and I can’t apply for a second job because there’s no time in my schedule.
Now, this upcoming weekend, I have a date. For safety’s sake, I told my mom that I’d be going out at “this time” on “this day”. I attempted to be vague, but she asked me why I was going out and where to. I try to be vague with most of my personal life, especially with my mom, because she’s very invasive.
In the past, my mom has been known to overstep boundaries and use the excuse, “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to ensure my child’s safety.” And to that point, she’s absolutely right. But, she takes it too far. When my siblings and I were in high-school, she’d have people texting and calling her if they saw us in public. It didn’t matter if what we were doing was bad or not, she’d have someone telling her our whereabouts at all times.
She’d even refuse to tell us who, and that’s when my siblings and I knew that she wasn’t doing this as a safety measure, she’s doing it to maintain control (something she’s always tried to do). And if she ever lost that control, she’d punish us by taking away things we literally NEEDED, threaten to kick us out, etc.
Back to present time, after she’d asked me all of these questions about my date, I told her simply that I wasn’t going to give her any major details because it’s still new and I don’t want her going online to look him up and pick apart his life. She got upset with me almost immediately, saying that she should be able to know where I’m going and what I’m doing with a stranger. To ease her mind, I told her that I’d shared my location with three people, and they’d be knowing where I was at all times.
She didn’t like that, and said, “But you won’t share it with me.” I told her that I didn’t want to give it to her. She proceeded to look at me and say, “Whatever, if something happens, I don’t want to hear about it.” And that’s when I told her straight-up that she’s too invasive. I told her that I’m an adult, and that I shouldn’t have to tell her every single thing about my life because it’s MY life. I knew for a fact that if I gave her my location, she’d constantly keep tabs on me and I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without her knowing.
I talked to my little brother, 20M, he said that I should have just given it to her because she’s “only trying to look out for you”, and then asked me why it mattered if she looked at my location. “If you’re not doing anything bad, then why do you care?”
I don’t know how to feel. I understand that me going on this date poses risks, but three people have my location and I don’t want a fourth. AITA if I don’t give it to her?
I’m 62F and have two adult children (32F and 29M). Both of my kids studied overseas, and we asked them to share location for safety, and we’d check every once in a while where they were.
It would never have occurred to me to have people report to me where any of my kids were, even when they were teenagers! This is ridiculous of your mother, and you are right that she is too controlling. Stick to having 3 friends know your location, don’t have your date pick you up but make sure you meet them there. You’re NTA for not sharing location with your mom.
Thank you so much. Three is plenty of people and I think I’ll be fine!!
>She proceeded to look at me and say, “Whatever, if something happens, I don’t want to hear about it.”
This is where you needed to end it and just say “Ok.” You instead escalated it out of frustration and anger, which is understandable but didn’t help anything.
NTA. Your mom sounds exhausting. I would say have a conversation with her, but I don’t get the feeling it would help anything. Just gray rock her – it’s a common tactic used with narcissists. As long as you have shared your location with a friend (stay safe out there!!!) your mom doesn’t need to know every step you take.
Thank you! And I try to ignore her most times, I swear I do lol! Sometimes she just knows how to push my buttons so bad😭
NTA Flip the script & demand that you have to know where she is every minute of the day & see how she answers. Also, tell her SHE is pushing you away with her overprotectiveness of an ADULT, and if she wants to have a relationship with you after you move out, she needs to learn boundaries and respect your decisions.
Parents are good at that. My own mom still does it, and I see her wait for a reaction. I’ve just learned to not give it to her. She’s going to keep doing what she does as long as she gets a reaction or gratification from those actions. All you can do is control your own reaction and not feed her what she’s looking for.
The spying and having people report back is WILD. I’d have started loudly talking about it in public places to my friends to shame her spies.
NTA, you have the right to not share your location because you are an adult and she should understand that and let you know that you’re not a kid anymore.
22. Didn’t need anything beyond your age. NTA. Mommy needs to cut the fucking umbilical.
Location sharing should be mutually agreed upon. Your mother has demonstrated that she’s a boundary stomper, and does not believe that you are entitled to any kind of privacy. As for your brother, he will find out soon enough why you won’t do it. As controlling as your mother is, I would check for airtags if you have Apple phones, and that she hasn’t secretly load anything on you phone without your knowledge. We location share in our family, all adults, but it is by choice. Anyone who is not comfortable with it is free to delete it. It is not mandatory. Which is how it should be.
NTA
Your mother blew it because she has already abused your trust and violated your privacy. That’s who she is and she WILL do so again if given half the chance.
I have two adult children and they asked me years ago to have their location on my phone, and I still do with their full knowledge and consent. They both appreciate the safety aspect of it and I’m so happy they trust me to respect their privacy. I have never once violated their trust or used the app to snoop or pass judgement. Your mother caused this all on her own. Of course you can’t trust her.
NTA. You have a right to your boundaries and you don’t have to explain yourself. It’s fine if your brother thinks it’s fine, just like it’s fine if you don’t think it’s okay. I agree with you that it is overbearing and would go as far as to say she’s being manipulative. Her saying that she doesn’t want to hear about if something goes wrong is manipulation. You’ve taken precautions like sharing you location with trusted people, so you know you’ll be fine. Don’t worry about what she thinks ever. You are grown and need to 1. Stand up for yourself and 2. Make your own decisions.
Nope NTA.
Your brother has Stockholm Syndrome, and your mom is overbearing af. You’re correct, you are an adult, and she has no right to monitor your every move.
NTA.
1. This isn’t a simple “I’m not sharing my location because I don’t want to” but rather “I’m not sharing my location because you abuse information and I’m concerned you’ll somehow spy on me or ruin the date trying to be ‘protective'”. People in the comments saying they share their location are clearly missing this element because i bet none have had the issues you described.
2. You said you have people who know your location, your mom should be fine with that. She’s hurt but not understand it was her doing. Personally I would not have told her who has my location either.
You can compromise and tell her you’ll text her when you arrive and when you’re leaving and about when you’ll be back home so if she’s concerned she’ll know you’re ok. Otherwise I would not worry about it.
NTA. You are a grown adult. Your Mom has no right and no need to have access to your location. It is an invasion of your privacy and is not appropriate for her to be tracking her adult child. Do not give in on this.
Edit: you should have all your devices checked to make sure she hasn’t installed any tracking software, enabled any settings, installed keystroke loggers, set up ‘recovery’ access to your devices, email accounts, etc. It may seem paranoid, but better safe than sorry. change all your passwords, set complex account and device pins, make sure she has no access to your bank account (if she ever had signing authority close you account and move to a different bank, one she has never used)