I (28F) need an outside perspective on a escalating situation with my housemate, "Jane" (24F). I feel like I’m going crazy and need to know if I’m the problem.
We live in a sharehouse with a third person who is staying with us temporarily "Sam" (30F).
Jane chose the larger bedroom. We initially agreed she would pay $350/wk and I would pay $250/wk for the smaller room, but before signing the lease, she tried to back out and demand a 50/50 split. I said that wasn’t fair and as a compromise, I asked for a designated portion of the living room for my work at home set up. I drew a map to visually show the set up space, she agreed and I moved my things in.
Recently, the conflict became an issue which has become a major fight:
I have been managing the household alone, including the common areas. I have raised this with Jane, who says she is too tired to help with cleaning and maintaining the space.
She also keeps venting about her issues while I work at home in the living room. I told her to stop as I am trying to work and she says she is not venting, but "talking about her day". But I work late nights at home and do not feel very good at multitasking.
In the last 3 weeks, she lost her set of keys for the house. She still had not replaced them and have been using the emergency set which I leave inside the house. But because of the missing set, she leaves the keys in our mailbox unlocked, which is accessible to the public but allows Sam to also enter the property without needing to wait for one of us to be home. I feel this is unsafe as anyone can enter the house.
I explicitly told Jane I did not want to be added to a house group chat and preferred direct communication as she asked me if I want to be involved for "house discussions" but after allowing Sam to live here, she has been trying to pressure me into taking back our original agreement on having my work at home set up in the living room but not offering to pay the original rent agreement for this. This issue has resulted in me feeling incredibly anxious as I have been warned that they will move my things while I was at work.
A day or two later, she added me to one anyway with Sam. First on another platform, which I immediately muted. Then she noticed my lack of response and made a second group chat on a second platform that I am more active on for work. When I called her out, she said it was "needed" and "hope you understand". I ended the conversation by stating: "I’m not interested in debating what was or wasn’t said. I am confirming that I do not wish to be part of it. Please communicate with me directly for any house matters from now on."
She came home enraged. Feeling unsafe, I grabbed my pet bird and went to my room without engaging. She threw a yelling fit. Sam says while Jane’s yelling wasn’t okay, I was wrong for "running away" and "invalidating" her, and should have talked face-to-face.
So, Reddit, AITA for how I’m handling this?
NTA
1. Jane has shown you what a horrible roommate she is. This is not a minor, or even challenging, disagreement between two reasonable people. Jane is all about herself all the time. So start making plans for a different roommate situation when the current lease is up. (There is no chance Jane will improve.)
2. Should have had every single agreement in writing and signed and dated by both of you. Do that going forward.
3. Who cares what Sam thinks? Sam is temporary. I’m not even sure if Sam is paying any rent. Jane won’t respect what you want, but she flies into a rage if you don’t accommodate her. Tell Sam that Jane can start by validating your feelings… and the things she has previously agreed to. But she won’t. And it’s not your job to keep bending over backward because she keeps upping her demands and throws an emotional fit if you don’t cave.
4. Oh, and BTW, you don’t have to be the ear for Jane’s evening musings just because she wants you to be. Tell her to call a friend of hers if that what she wants.
To confirm, Sam is not paying any rent, but she is struggling in this housing market and I welcomed her to stay while she gets back on her feet and she is important to Jane. I am not worried for buying her groceries, and I do not blame her for the current situation at all.
It is in writing in our text messages, but she refused to formally sign things due to “being chill” and I did not want to stir the water any further.
I wish I can walk out when she vents but I work a few jobs and my set up is in the common area (living room) so I cannot physically avoid her. I already told her not to bring these up with me as mentioned, which she does anyway.
I plan to move ASAP, but the lease does not end until May and I am going overseas due to my family falling ill, I worry she will forcibly move my things while I am gone.
NTA of course but this was a bad idea to begin with. Common areas were bound to be hard to control. You got screwed over and your roommate sounds immature.
Can you move?
I agree, she insisted on the bigger room as she has more clothing and my room is about 1/4th the size of hers (just enough for my bed and clothes). I knew it would become a point of issue, but I was desperate to find somewhere affordable to live at the time.
I plan to move ASAP but my concern is that I need to go overseas due to family illness and she may tamper with my belongings while I am away.
Do you have friends who could take in your most “valuable” stuff?
I reached out for support from friends, one of them offered to pay for a night at a hotel and one has offered for me to stay with them. But no one really has the ability to drive or help take items away, if I weren’t disabled and could drive I would be able to hide my things away and carry them myself. I can place my things in a paid storage unit potentially?
NTA, but move when your lease is up.
Planning to ASAP, thank you. I’m worried I approached this situation wrong and it is my fault, I have started planning for leaving next year.
NTA. She showed you her true colors and if you felt unsafe around her, YOU NEED TO LEAVE! Clearly she is used to having people do everything to care for her and the place she lives in.
Issue is that I have PTSD from past abuse and my feelings of unease are irrational. I plan to leave in May next year when the lease ends. I was asked if I really believe she will hurt me, but I said that it isn’t about that, it is my bird that I treat like my own daughter. I am afraid to even leave my bird alone now but cannot take her to work outside. But I was told that isn’t the reality, but I am too cowardly to take that risk with my bird.
Sounds like Jane is a bully. Sadly, the only thing that works with bullies is to bully back. Sam is quite wrong. You have no obligation to stay in a situation where you are being verbally abused. Tell Jane to suggest a time when the two of you can sit down to discuss issues, but make it clear that she has to behave in a civil fashion or you will walk away. And when you reach the end of your lease, make sure you’ve found another place to live, because she sure doesn’t sound like a long term option. NTA
I plan to try and secure a new place once I can, and have contacted my social worker to potentially mediate that discussion with her an hour ago. Thank you, I want to make sure I am not stirring trouble with my responses so far and in the future.
By validating Jane is a bullying baby? I don’t think so! NTA