I’m F24, currently almost 2 months post-op from a major spinal fusion (T3–L3). Recovery has been hard both physically and mentally, and I’m still restricted with movement, lifting, and long periods of sitting. Over New Year’s, my mum and I got into a huge fight because she wants me to travel with her on a 6-hour flight from home to a country I’ve never been to, potentially for a month at a time. I said I don’t want to go right now, and things escalated badly. My reasons for not wanting to go: I’m still recovering from major spinal surgery and don’t feel ready for a long haul flight I’m anxious about sitting for long periods, pain, and managing luggage I don’t feel comfortable traveling to a country I’ve never been to, especially while vulnerable I want certainty about when I’d be back home My birthday is in February, and I want to spend it at home I previously lived in that side of the world for a year, and it had a severe negative impact on my mental health, including becoming extremely depressed, so the idea of long stays there is mentally triggering for me Home currently feels like my safe place, my doctors, routine, and support system are here I told her I was open to traveling in the future, just not now. I also explained that while I’ve traveled before, long stays in that part of the world weren’t good for me, and this situation feels different given my recovery. Her response: She said my reasons “aren’t real excuses” She accused me of only wanting to stay because my friends are here She told me that if I don’t go, she’ll cut me off financially, cancel my phone, and basically disown me She said I can “forget about her being my mother” She insulted my career, independence, and future There was a lot of shouting at me in the middle of the street, swearing, and humiliation My siblings and one cousin are siding with her. They keep telling me: I’m overreacting I should “just try” going That plenty of people travel after surgery That I’m hurting my mum by refusing That my mental health concerns “aren’t a real reason” They keep framing it as me choosing friends over family, even though I’ve repeatedly said it’s about health, safety, and stability, not social plans. I don’t feel like I’m wrong for wanting to protect my physical and mental health, especially knowing how badly I struggled living in that part of the world before. But everyone around me is making me feel selfish, dramatic, and ungrateful. So, AITA for standing my ground and refusing to travel right now, even if it means my mum follows through on cutting me off?
If you fuck up your recovery, your spine will be _really_ fucked up. Not a risk you can take.
Make plans for independent living. Your mother is willing to cut you off over this, and if you appease her now, there’s zero guarantees that she won’t cut you off over another temper tantrum at any time in the future.
NTA. You need to heal. Your blood relations don’t seem to care about your health.
NTA but when you’re recovered you need to get a job, move out and be financially independent so she can’t continue to abuse and manipulate you.
NTA. My 18 year old sister had spinal surgery. They stated to her 6 months for anything. She basically has a metal back which honestly she has a card she has to show TSA and has to go thru a differnt kind of metal detectors. Her waning that long of a flight for so long is not a good thing for you. Start looking for your own place.
I have 2 rods and 21 screws, i wasnt given any card to show in the airport. I live in my own flat but she helps me financially as i’m not cleared to work yet
What does your doctor say about you travelling this soon after surgery? How will it impact your rehab? Why did you have problems with the country before?
Your mum needs psychiatric help.
So do your relatives.
NTA. I had T12 spinal fusion surgery at 26 after an accident. I am over 60 now; I can say from personal experience that dealing with the effects will be with you every day for the rest of your life. Sitting in chairs that are too soft, standing/sitting for extended periods – it never goes away. You learn how to compromise to minimize the discomfort, that’s all. 2 months post op is very early days. Anyone who tells you otherwise has never had to deal with anything similar. If you have sufficient resources then absolutely stand your ground, and prepare yourself to live independently. Good luck!
NTA: Your Mom sounds selfish. If you have siblings, why can’t one of them go with her. Why would she force someone to go on a vacation they don’t want to go on?
My siblings are going with her, and she booked me a one way ticket knowing i have no money to book my own return.
NTA
Traveling after spinal fusion isnt a good idea for many reasons. First it is a 6 hr flight, but sometimes we get on an airplane and are held hostage by the airline for hours upon hours waiting for a pilot, or doing a repair, or someone on flight is violent or ill and suddenly a 6 hr flight means being trapped on a plane for 12 or 18 hrs.
Second, if a complication arises you may not be close to great medical care and even if you are, they aren’t familiar with your case and very important any medical care likely wont be covered by your medical insurance and it isnt worth the risk.
Your siblings and cousin can accompany your mother if they feel so strongly about it. They didnt just have major surgery and therefore have no input into decisions that affect your life.
Lastly you said your mother was yelling at you, swearing at you in the street, saying she is going to cut you off financially and told you to forget about her being your mother anymore. Good. That may be the best thing to happen to you in your life. I can not conceive my mother or any mother I know acting towards their daughters like you said your mother was. Everything you described is extremely toxic bullying abusive behavior. if she gets so upset over something so small you definitely are better off not traveling to a foreign country with her. That would create way too much risk for you. Not only will some countries lock people up for behavior like that, her behavior could get you locked up because of her or thrown off a plane, etc. Notwithstanding it is horrible demeaning humiliating emotionally and verbally abusive. And since you are not familiar with the country and she is, she would likely use her knowledge to further manipulate and control you.
Don’t let her or others pressure you into going with her. It is not in your best interest for the sake of your mental and physical health.
NTA. As a person who’s had this surgery, I couldn’t imagine traveling at 2 months post op. Your mom is being selfish at a time when she should be supporting you. Please listen to your body, you do not want set backs during this time as that will delay your recovery.
NTA OP- is your family’s culture one that traditionally does arranged marriages? Because this smells like an arranged marriage to me
NTA. Do what others have said, talk to the doctor and get a note saying that the travel is a bad plan. Also, get a travel insurance quote and see if anyone will even insure you for the trip, I suspect they won’t. If they won’t, look up the likely consequences of your back getting screwed up while you’re away, and find out how much the surgery, recovery and care would be if it happens. Next time family tell you you’re being selfish, tell them how much it will cost to care for you should things go south and ask them if they are prepared to pay this cost on a monthly basis for the rest of your life, because this will not covered by insurance. Tell them if they won’t pay, you won’t go, simples.
NTA: BUT…it sure sounds like mama is getting sick of taking care of her 24y/o