I 23F live with my best friend 24F. We’ve been friends for almost 10 years and have been living together for just over 8 months. We decided to live together since we’re both single mothers. We thought it would make life easier and cheaper for the both of us since our town is too expensive to live alone.
Here’s my dilemma, despite having to split rent, and pay for our separate childcare, it feels like everything is falling on me. I’m the one paying for the majority of shared expenses like groceries, household supplies, and any random “we need this for the house” stuff. I don’t nickel-and-dime her, but it’s reached a point where she just… never offers. If I don’t buy it, it doesn’t get bought.
On top of that, she does basically nothing around the house. I’m the one cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, taking out trash, cleaning shared spaces, and generally keeping the house livable. She’ll leave messes for days and either doesn’t notice or assumes I’ll handle it. I’ve brought it up before, and she’ll apologize and help once maybe, but then it goes right back to how it was.
What really gets to me is that I’m already stretched thin. I’m exhausted. Coming home to a messy house and unpaid shared expenses makes me feel more like a parent than a roommate or even a friend.
Recently, I snapped and told her I’m tired of carrying the financial and household load by myself and that it’s unfair. She got defensive and said “you act like I don’t even do anything” and made me feel like I’m being dramatic, and now things are awkward between us.
I feel guilty because she’s my best friend, but I also feel resentful and burned out. I don’t think asking for basic contribution is unreasonable, but now I’m wondering if I handled it wrong.
AITA?
You need to sit down with her and work out a reasonable way to handle expenses and cleaning. If she won’t carry her share, you have to save yourself. Don’t fail her lies about helping or you being dramatic stop you. That is just her way of stopping you..
I’ve tried to do this and she always has some sort of excuse about why she can’t help out. It’s very frustrating.
Someone has to move out. Until then, only buy stuff for you. Cleaning is another issue, because the mess will affect you. Move asap.
Stop sharing. Tell her that you need to manage your budget better, and are really going to cut back on your grocery budget and you will need to shop separately so your decision doesn’t impact her. And store your stuff in a locked cupboard or your room. Stop cleaning her stuff. Put a set of clean dishes and pots in your room, and put her dirty stuff in a bin on the floor, out of your way. Only clean what you use. Tidy the living spaces by chucking all her stuff into a box behind the couch. Let her sort it out. Yes, it will impact your friendship, but her actions have already done that.
NTA – But it’s time to set boundaries and expectation. Create a chore list, which includes creating a shared shopping list and alternating shopping duties (IE: You do the shopping one week, she does the next, or whatever is most convenient). Don’t generalize. Come with receipts. Show how much money you’re spending on shared expenses. Tell her that either she needs to step up, or you want to renegotiate how rent is divided.
If that doesn’t work, it may be time to look for a new roommate.
I’ve attempted to do this so many times with her. I always show her how much I’ve spent and how much I would like back. Even if it’s just $20. She always has an excuse for why she can’t help 🙁
Sad to say, but it’s time to move.
That’s not setting boundaries that’s putting blame which is an expression of frustration but won’t help anything. Even if you’re right it means she’s gonna get defensive, and you’re automatically putting you against them instead of you two against the problem.
Easiest solution is: Simply stop. Buy for yourself, cook for yourself, clean for yourself, stop babying her. Yes it’ll suck and it’ll take time but we’ve she finally asks why x, y or z isn’t done or bought your can easily lay the cards on the table with visible evidence backing your case and frustration and let her know how this affects you, you’re still in a partnership even if it’s not romantic.
But it also sounds like she might actually need professional help. Could be postpartum, could be general depression, could be anything, but something is likely putting a great deal of stress on her mind draining her. I’m that case you’re likely using similar amounts of energy every day, the difference being she puts a lot of it on stress, leaving very little for life. If so, she needs to do something about that for your and her sake, of she won’t then you need to protect yourself.
I’m speculating since I only have one side, but that’s what I gather.
She doesn’t do anything
NTA. As someone who has been in this situation multiple times, the only thing you can do if talking doesn’t immediately lead to progress is to find a new living situation. The last time it happened I tried to excuse it for too long and it’s virtually ended our friendship because of how much I resent the way I was treated despite multiple attempts at confronting her about it; if you want to keep your friendship, I would move out before things get worse. Not everyone is compatible living with each other (or, frankly, with others in general) and that’s okay, but forcing it will not solve anything.
NTA.
*We thought it would make life easier and cheaper for the both of us since our town is too expensive to live alone.*
You may be saving money in rent and utilities, but look at what you’re paying instead.
You’re exhausted by the amount of time you spend doing household chores. You’re irritated by the fact that nothing gets done around the house unless you do it. You’re resentful at the unfairness of having to clean up messes SHE made. You’re fed up with her promises that she’ll do better, but nothing ever changes. You’re angry that you tried to convey all this to her, and her response was to accuse you of being dramatic. You’re worried this friction is affecting your longstanding friendship. You’re feeling guilty because… actually, I don’t know why you’re feeling guilty.
All of this is what you’re paying instead of money.
Is it worth the price?
If I were you, I’d look at your lease, work out how soon you (or she) can move out of there that would involve the least expense, and work towards doing just that. There are other people you can share with, that you’d be more compatible with.
You can tell your friend what you’re planning. Wanting to live apart is not a betrayal of your friendship. On the contrary, you’re doing it to try and preserve your friendship.
I have people in my life I love dearly, but I could not live with them for more than a week at most. Not living with each other allows us to keep our mutual affection intact.
These are all really good points. I’ve talked to my landlord about it actually bc I highly considered moving back out on my own. Unfortunately there’s a termination fee, I’d lose the security deposit (which I paid all by myself too🙄) and I’d have to pay rent until the lease is up. Thankfully we have until April so not too much longer. But every passing day just gets more and more stressful.
April is not far off. Hang in there.
Don’t argue with her any more. (You may be right, but what’s the point? What will arguing accomplish?)
Try to do something each day that will get you one step closer towards moving out. Clean out a closet and decide what you want to toss or donate. Pack the rest into a box. Go inspect an apartment. Make an online post asking for someone to share with.
Just one thing each day, to help the time pass and keep you focused on the goal: you’re getting out of there soon.
Good luck.
I use the app Splitwise for every house-related expense. The app divides and controls who owes how much, even if $2 that all add up together with other stuff.
But another thing that might be happening, is that the teo of you have different standards of cleanliness and organization, so if you can’t reach an agreement for the shared spaces, you are not compatible