My boyfriend (29M) is matching on March 3. We’ve been together for just over a year and a half, and I’m an MS3 as well (26M), so I’m also familiar with the process.
We met when he was home for summer vacation right before he started clerkship. He’s originally from where I live and his family is here, but he goes to med school in another province, so we’ve basically been long-distance from the start. Since then we’ve been alternating visits.
Match Day feels huge for us because it could determine whether we can finally live in the same city again. We talk about wanting family stability and kids someday, but that feels more like my priority than his right now, so I’m pretty anxious about the outcome too.
I rearranged my rotations so I could be with him around Match Day and I bought tickets to surprise him for a few days. I thought it would be supportive to be there.
He got really upset and said Match Day is his day, not mine. He told me that if I come, he’ll have to babysit me and that I’m basically forcing myself into his Match Day plans, including the party that night and the brunch the next day.
A related issue is his friends. I’ve met them once and it didn’t go well and I felt excluded. Since then, group events stress me out because I don’t want a repeat of that dynamic. I don’t need to be glued to him at events. I just want to feel included and not left out. What I’m asking for is basic support, like him setting the tone with his friends beforehand or stepping in if they’re rude. The part I can’t handle is feeling like he lets them disrespect me and I’m supposed to just take it.
Now I’m wondering if I crossed a line by booking this trip as a surprise, even though the outcome affects our relationship in a major way. I can’t comprehend how my presence is a burden when this is such a big moment for me too, since he’s hoping to match back here to be closer to me and we’ve talked about starting our future and family here. Where he matches also changes the trajectory of my own Match next year. I’m going to weigh location heavily so we can be together, even if that means prioritizing geography over the ‘perfect’ program.
I’m honestly really torn and would appreciate outside perspective, especially from people in medicine or anyone who’s been through Match in a relationship. Did I mess up by making this a surprise? If you were him, would this feel supportive or suffocating?
TL;DR: Long-distance med couple. I surprised my boyfriend by buying plane tickets to be with him for Match Day because the result affects our future together. He got really upset and said Match Day is “his day, not mine,” and that if I come he’ll have to “babysit” me and I’m forcing myself into his Match Day plans (party + brunch). AITA for making it a surprise?
NTA for wanting to be there but y t a for not seeing that he doesn’t want you there. Surely there were signs that he’s not that interested?
When I was in a ldr we met up as much as possible, and would have loved to celebrate things like this together.
He would rather be with his friends, who don’t like you.
I’m sorry, but this relationship may have reached its expiration date.
NTA. Your boyfriend doesn’t like you. Sorry. 🙁
You are NTA but your boyfriend is not interested in the type of relationship you think you have. He would not be so dismissive and blunt if you were as special to him as he is to you. Sorry.
I don’t think you’re TA, but I do think this is a symptom of a larger issue and that you ought to rethink this relationship. You are, and have always been, long distance. He’s prioritizing his friends over you. You don’t feel like you fit with them. It seems to me that you’re way ahead of him in how highly you value this commitment. I’d take a few huge steps back, give him space, and focus on your own life. You’re quite young, and you have huge choices of your own to make. Good luck!!
If you guys are long distance and he gets mad when you come to visit… it’s because there is someone else, closer to him, that he wants to spend that time with.
NTA – but this isn’t looking good for your relationship. Most people trying to make it work long distance are ecstatic for a surprise visit.
(And the fact that he doesn’t prioritize you and your feelings when you are out with his friends with you along? That makes me think he isn’t worth the effort you are putting in.
He is checking out of this relationship, and if I were you I would let him.
He just not that into you. Sorry.
You want marriage, kids, etc. He doesn’t even want you around his friends or near him on match day to celebrate. He is so close to ghosting you. Time to cancel the tickets. I bet if you don’t contact him, you will never know where he matched because he won’t contact you. Be honest, how often has he called or texted you? You did most of the calling and texting in this “relationship” didn’t you?
OP, please consider this. He does not want you on what is absolutely a moment where loved ones celebrate their person. I’m really sorry but you need to really think about moving on. I would also suggest that you STRONGLY consider trying to match in a location that is best for your future, not whatever this relationship is.
>He got really upset and said Match Day is his day, not mine. He told me that if I come, he’ll have to babysit me and that I’m basically forcing myself into his Match Day plans, including the party that night and the brunch the next day…The part I can’t handle is feeling like he lets them disrespect me and I’m supposed to just take it.
If your presence has been reduced to you intruding on it and being a burden, it’s done. Him letting his friends disrespect you is another no. These are not the actions of a man who plans to marry and have a family with you. And if I’m being truthful, it doesn’t sound like he loves you. He doesn’t even sound like he likes you, tbh. So I’m sure he wants the marriage and the kids but it doesn’t sound like you’re the person that he’d do it with. He should be excited and enthusiastic about your presence–especially during such a big milestone.
The tickets weren’t a mistake necessarily but it sounds to me as though you are putting so much more into this relationship than he is. Hopefully you can work something out but he sounds selfish and not like he’s all about you.
NTA but babe that man does not like you. A man who liked you would want to show you off to his friends on a big day like that. Better to end this relationship sooner than later.
Do not. I repeat. Do NOT put this relationship over your career.
NTA, but it doesn’t sound like this relationship is going where you want it to. You are young and successful, I think you should find someone who appreciates you.
YWBTA, because he clearly doesn’t want you there. Worse, YTA to yourself for staying with this jerk. Please move on, he’s keeping you from finding someone who actually wants to be with you.
You are far more invested in this relationship than he is. Move on, find someone better