I (29F) have been friends with 2 girls (all 29F) since high school. One of then, let’s call her Tia, was married last year. Naturally, some things have changed. The other girl, let’s call her Sia.
Last week, Tia shared tiktok video of a group of girls exchanging gifts and suggested we should do the same for Christmas. I said if we do gifts (~ $40) , we’ll have to compromise on our annual Christmas dinner at fancy place since I can’t afford both. I suggested going somewhere mid range for the dinner if we’re gonna do the gifts. I explained that I’m really hit this yr with recession since my work is in wedding industry, plus both my parents birthday is this month, so is my 8y.o niece’s. I also just bought a new recliner, and next month I have Christmas holiday family trip and another nephew’s birthday. Tia said nevermind then, we’ll have Christmas dinner at fancy place.
2 days ago, we were discussing about life and what we have planned next year. I mentioned I’m saving to go to Japan or Taiwan next year for our family trip and Sia said she’s going to resign and her first travel destination would be Japan too. Tia chimed in with "Japan is not a country minimum wage worker like me can ever afford". I told her to ask her husband for honeymoon to Japan (they didn’t have one), and she said her husband sees vacation as wasting money so he’ll never wanna go. Convo went on and I mentioned again that I wanna have facial treatment (~ $50) done at the clinic where Sia works (the one she’s gonna resign next yr) since there’s a 25% disc promotion this month. Tia replied snidely, "you said you’re on budget, and you can still get facial?" Atp I understood her dig. I told her they’re on different budget group. I buy gifts, meals, and daily stuff on cash or debit, whereas trips, medical, or fancy dinner on credit card since I can apply installments. I was annoyed bcs why do I need to explain how I spend my money to her? But at the same time, now I feel kinda selfish too.
I guess I can, not go to my facial appointment and do the gifts instead, but I feel it’s a little unfair. Tia used to struggle with money which isn’t her fault (medical debt from late father, now cleared). In the past we always went to a place where all of us could afford. I can’t even say I compromised back then because I really didn’t feel like I was compromising anything. To me it’s always no brainer to go with whoever is on strict budget that month. I never asked her why she can’t afford something or how she spent her money. So now, I really feel annoyed. Tia kept saying it’s fine, forget her gift ideas but I still feel kinda bad. Am I just selfish? AITA here?
P.s. Sia sides with no one. She makes the most out of us and has even offered to buy all 3 Christmas gifts lol
NAH. It’s fine not to agree to a gift exchange if you don’t to participate in one. You don’t need a special reason. But since you gave your budget as your reason for not participating, and then talked about spending lots of money, Tia’s surprise is understandable. The choice that emerges from your post is not that you need to choose between a facial and a gift, but between charging a gift on a credit card or not participating. Your habit is to buy gifts with cash; it’s up to you whether to make an exception.
NTA, you do not need to explain or justify how you choose to spend your discretionary income.
Tia’s comments were out of line, but if you are in very different spots financially it may be prudent to not draw attention to things she may not be able to afford.
I don’t think you’re the AH, but I would probably lean away from making an affordability argument if you are also going to talk with your friends about other luxury expenses you are planning on. It’s ok to just say “no, I don’t want to do a gift exchange, I’d prefer we just do our fancy dinner” without giving an excuse for it. It’s ok if you just don’t want to spend that much on your friends, even if you could technically afford it by cutting in other ways.
NAH
I get both sides. For me these things are also on a different budget. But if someone else told me they couldn’t afford to get me a gift and go out to eat and hear them talking about a facial that is about the same price as the amounts you couldn’t afford, I would feel a little let down too. It might feel to her like you think a facial is worth more than her friends hip, even though that isn’t the case.
Ik would suggest to still try to do both but by making cookies or cake or waffles, or some other snack or desert for each other. That is still a gift but doesn’t cost as much. It is fun to do and you can enjoy eating them too.
NTA. You can afford those things because you budgeted for them. Thats how a budget works. Dont sacrifice the things youve budgeted for just because she wants you to spend more money on her/them.
NTA- you don’t need to explain your finances to anyone besides your partner (if you share finances).
When you’re telling someone you can’t afford something, you should never tell them about all the expensive things you’re spending money on. It makes you look like a bit of a jrk. It’s never great to talk about spending money in a group where even one person is struggling. My SIL resents everyone who makes more money than her but she’s chosen to take a low paying job and spend all of her money on travel. It’s how she made her priorities but other people might do that differently.
I don’t think you’re really TA, you don’t have to explain your finances to your friends. But I can see how it might have irritated Tia to be told you couldn’t afford a gift and dinner and then hear about all these expensive purchases you have planned. She likely felt like you value your relationship less than your own fun time activities.
It was out of line for her to comment snidely on it but maybe don’t talk about all the money you plan to spend after telling someone you can’t afford to do something with them.
NTA. How you spend your money is not her business. Stop explaining yourself. When the gift exchange was first discussed you should have kept it simple. “Hey, I’d prefer to do dinner or a gift but not both.“ Sometimes less is better.
She’s just salty because y’all were talking about going to Japan and her husband apparently isn’t into vacations.
It’s more about her circumstances than yours.
NTA. It doesn’t even matter what your reason is for not wanting to participate in a gift exchange. If you don’t want to or can’t manage it, that’s the end of it. And, you’re right, how you spend your money is no one else’s business unless you’ve borrowed money from them that hasn’t been paid back as agreed.
Paying for things on credit cards in “installments” means you’re wasting money on interest if you’re not paying it off quickly.
YTA for saying you couldn’t afford something and then chronicling the other expensive things you were buying. If you can’t afford it then fine but don’t talk about getting a facial and going on holiday.
ESH the way you explained it to your friend made it seem like you just didn’t have the money to do what she wanted. What it truly was is that you didn’t want to spend your money on her idea. You have the money you just want to use it elsewhere.
She’s the AH because she doesn’t need to be in your pockets like that. She shouldn’t need a detailed explanation as to why you don’t want to do gifts. You could have simply said I’d rather focus on the dinner and that should have been enough.
Tia is struggling financially but wants to exchange gifts this year (for the first time!) because of tiktok? And wants to have an expensive dinner?
That does not make sense.
She has no business judging you or your finances.
I would not trust her in the future and would put her on an information diet.
NTA
YTA for crying poverty then sitting at a get together doing nothing but bragging about all the expensive sh*t you are about to do and get.