We just had my son’s 1st birthday party on December 6th. There was around 40 people there and he got a mountain of gifts. I’ve spent the last few days un-packaging and organizing all of his new toys and clothes. With Christmas coming up in 3 weeks, my husband and I decided to request that we don’t receive any more toys from our families. Please tell me, am I the asshole for requesting no toys???? I can’t get this interaction off of my mind. I sent my message to both family group chats.
My message: Hey everyone! I’ve learned that having a December baby means our house suddenly transforms into a toy warehouse overnight 😅
For Christmas, please don’t feel like you need to get him anything. Honestly, he’s set for a long time, and we really don’t want anyone spending money out of obligation. If you really want to get him something, we’d love simple consumables like food, little snacks, bubble bath, or clothes in bigger sizes for when he’s older. Thrifted or Marketplace finds are totally perfect too since he grows out of things so quickly.
But seriously, please don’t feel like you need to spend your money. Your love and chaos-filled family energy are more than enough. ❤️
BIL response: Okay sorry our gifts sucked. We’ll get diapers or something next time. Just let us know what you want and we can get you something acceptable. 👍
EDIT: We WILL celebrate his birthday separately from Christmas! We do this with the other December birthdays in my family. My message was to encourage less bulky toys for this year since he now has so many.
NTA for not wanting an excess of toys but YTA for trying to mash your baby’s bday and christmas into one thing just bc he’s a december baby. Ask ANYONE born in december who’s dealt with it how they feel about the fact it happened to them and they will 1000% tell you they HATED it. Keep birthdays and christmas separate, even if baby is born on christmas.
NAH. This sounds like a misunderstanding. Clarify with your BIL that the quantity of toys, not the quality, is to blame.
NAH. Fine sentiment, I do think your phrasing was a lil hostile. I can see why people interpreted it as an attack. The toy warehouse thing was unnecessary, it makes them feel guilty for what they’ve already given. Next time, just look ahead to Christmas.
“X has been blessed with so many great birthday toys, thank you everyone!! You have certainly lightened our Christmas load. Since the toy room is full, we’d really appreciate consumable gifts or experiences for Christmas.” Then list some specifics – an annual pass to the aquarium, favorite snacks, movie tickets, etc. Focus on the positives and you’ll be fine.
You can always donate what you don’t need. There are a lot of kids who might love those toys for Christmas. Also, all my December friends hate having their birthday & Christmas mashed together. May not be an issue now but one day it will be. Don’t be the person who says “no gifts” for the next 5 years and then suddenly says “gifts please” when your kid is older and wants his birthday to be special too.
NTA but I think your message was inadvertently off-putting. Your BIL’s response was unnecessary and defensive – there was no reason to take your request personally.
Your initial remark about feeling like your house has become a toy warehouse makes it seem like you are ungrateful for their gifts, that the gifts are a headache to you for some reason, that they are generic / all the same, etc. I also think asking for consumables like food, while I understand what you mean, is kind of a weird request because those are gifts for you (since you’re the one buying the little one’s food) versus for the child.
A few things you could have done differently:
\- Made specific requests of specific people instead of a mass message, when asked. Ie if MIL says “what does junior want for Christmas?” you could specify some things at that point in a more private and personal manner.
\- Because your kid won’t be having a birthday at another time – and season – in the year, consider using the opportunity to request things that you know he’ll like at other times, like beach toys, bubbles, and other outdoor things he might not use for a while.
\- Suggest donations instead. You could say something about being so grateful for the love and care provided by the family to celebrate his birthday and that you realized collecting another round of gifts the same month is unnecessary, so you’re thinking you’d like them to route any money they would spend on junior towards a gift for a child in need instead.
All that being said, if I received this message I would 100% know what you meant and would take no offense.
NTA. Your text was very reasonable and courteous.
How old is your BIL btw? He seems very young and reactionary from his text.
NTA because your kid is 1 and has no idea what’s going on. I’ve got 2 kids with birthdays in Nov & Feb and I feel your pain with having so much stuff.
As they get older, you’ll have to work a bit harder to make sure both Christmas & their birthday feel special and separate. My birthday is 2 weeks after Christmas and I felt the pain of combined gifts even though my mom did her very best to separate the holidays (she always had the decorations down before my birthday).
I would recommend a smaller party in the upcoming years or ask for fewer gifts or something specific (books, clothes, experiences, toys for the upcoming Spring/Summer) so you can maybe receive stuff & then store away until you’re ready to use it.
Your BIL is being unnecessarily snarky. No 1 year old needs 40 toys for their birthday and then 40 more at Christmas. They’d never even get played with.
NAH. I think your text was thoughtful about why you are seeking no more toys at the moment, but it’s also easy to read as their generosity created a burden.
Maybe a response something like “Actually the gifts are amazing. We are so thankful (baby) has such a generous family! We are simply putting it out there so no one feels obligated to get him another toy at Christmas since you all picked so many nice toys for his bday. We are looking forward to celebrating the holiday with everyone!
YTA. Next year you’ll be bitching because your child’s birthday and Christmas are getting smashed together. I’m with your BIL. Take your fake-perky email and shove it in the coal-bin. You are the reason kids get savings bonds for Christmas. God forbid someone enjoys watching your child’s face light up when opening a present.
“Your love and chaos-filled family energy are more than enough” sounds like ChatGPT. I don’t think you’re an asshole for asking for no gifts, but I would definitely judge if my family member was too lazy to write their own message to me.
YTA. You are setting a precedent that will follow your child throughout his life. In case you do not know what this precedent is let me spell it out for you, “Son, you are not going to receive gifts for your birthday and Christmas like every other child does, because your birthday is too close to Christmas. You do not deserve to celebrate like other children.”
My son’s birthday is exactly 2 weeks after Christmas. We made a conscientious decision to celebrate both occasions to the fullest. He always had a party, all his friends were invited, and family was invited. Most people showed up, gifts were given, games played, and a great time was had by everyone; especially the birthday boy.
Our son will be turning 25 on his next birthday. He will travel home for the Christmas holidays and we will celebrate his birthday completely separately from Christmas, with a night out at a fancy restaurant and gifts before he goes back to his home.
YTA. As someone with a December birthday, don’t you dare start the combined birthday/Christmas present thing! WE DO NOT APPRECIATE GETTING LESS GIFTS BECAUSE OF THE MONTH WE ARE BORN IN!
Soft YTA. His birthday is like 3.5 weeks away. Mine is about 3 weeks after. My parents made sure my birthday was always separate. For kids those are the two most exciting times of the year. Do not diminish your kids birthday or Christmas by conditioning relatives to basically only celebrate one. Who cares about storage, you are parents, you will figure it out.
YTA. My birthday is December 13 and it’s terrible. People would not send gifts for my birthday since “we’ll be seeing you in 10 days anyway” or something like, ”well, I wouldn’t have spent this much just for your birthday so I just got you one gift”. It drove my mother bonkers. You wouldn’t do that to a kid with a birthday in April.
Your email now is setting your kid up for crappy birthdays when he does care. Be grateful that people do actually want to do two separate celebrations with two separate gifts.