Throwaway because my daughter uses Reddit.
I (45M) have three kids, 16M, 14M and 12F, this story concerns 12F.
Now my daughter’s birthday falls on New Years so it tends to be disregarded (never on purpose) because it’s between two big holidays but we’ve always tried to make her feel special.
My daughter is a known introvert and tends to spend a lot of time in her room and if we’re at a family event she just sits in a corner on her phone. She also is very “unconventional” in the sense that she doesn’t desire a lot of the things that are typical of girls her age.
Me and my wife have tried to fix this and get her to open up more but to no avail.
The issue arose because when me and my wife asked her how she wanted to spend her birthday she said something along the lines of “alone with snacks in my room”
This request wasn’t outlandish for her but spending your birthday alone doesn’t seem like a good way to spend your birthday. It would also reflect poorly on us as the family likes big celebrations.
So instead we invited family over on her birthday for a birthday/ new years celebration. It was a barbecue with lots of snacks, a projector that my brother brought and a rented bouncy castle. I thought she would realise that this was better and a more productive way to spend her birthday but I was wrong.
She was miserable the whole time and just sat in the corner.
When everyone left late at night she started screaming at me and my wife about how we “ruined” her birthday.
My wife did most of the scolding and she was sent to her room. How could we “ruin” her birthday if her plans were just bedrotting?
She was also mad because she didn’t get the gift she wanted which was a hot chocolate machine, she’s the only family member who drinks hot chocolate and she’s not 50 so we got her something else that we thought she would appreciate more.
This morning she ignored all of us, including my sons who are on our side because they think she’s being ungrateful since the party was great.
I was just trying to make her birthday special. AITA?
YTA. You did what YOU wanted for her birthday. Not her. You got her what YOU thought she should want. Not what she asked for. She is an introvert yet you thought a bouncy castle (she is 12 not 4) with guests she didn’t want would be a good idea?
Get to know your daughter and appreciate who she is. Not what you think she should be.
YTA.
Of course you ruined her birthday.
You took everything she said she wanted and did the opposite. Didn’t get her the gift she wanted, didn’t let her spend the day the way she wanted because you have an idea of what a birthday should be.
You should have listened to her and got her a freaking hot chocolate machine. It is not that hard.
If you wanted a party on the same day, at least you should let her be quiet in her room. Some people are drained when has a lot of people around, maybe she is one of them.
LoL YTA for being a bot
Oh dude. You are so the asshole.
Hope this is click bait
YTA, you purposely disregarded her birthday, as you claim to not do, for a new years day party. She told you exactly what she wanted for her birthday, and you did the complete opposite. Even what she wanted as a gift was completely disregarded. Big AH
YTA 100%. You made her birthday about what you all wanted. She very clearly stated what she wanted
“…me and my wife asked her how she wanted to spend her birthday she said something along the lines of “alone with snacks in my room””
and you and your wife did the polar opposite. If she’s extremely introverted having a party is literal torture. You cared more about how you are perceived by others than the comfort of your own daughter as you stated yourself
“It would also reflect poorly on us as the family likes big celebrations.”
You also stated you wanted or tried to fix her… what is there to fix? She is who she is. It sounds like you and your wife need to FIX your attitudes towards your introvert daughter. There’s nothing wrong with how she is, not everyone enjoys crowds, noise, and parties.
YTA, caring about your image more than your child’s comfort is ridiculous. She’s an introvert, wanted a laid back day, and you got her the complete opposite, all because it would make you “look bad”??? If people in your community would actually think less of you for not throwing a lavish birthday party because your kid doesn’t want one, maybe the community is the problem.
“She also is very “unconventional” in the sense that she doesn’t desire a lot of the things that are typical of girls her age.
Me and my wife have tried to fix this”
YTA why are you trying to “fix” her? If she was a bubbly extrovert and this was a sudden drastic change I could get being concerned that she may possibly be depressed or having some other issue going on but it seems like she’s just a quiet, quirky kid that likes to chill by herself. Subjecting her to a party that she was uncomfortable at in “honor” of her is wildly inconsiderate. You and your wife need to start accepting your daughter for who she is and stop trying to “fix” her. You need to sincerely apologize to her and let her know that you realized you were wrong for thinking she’d enjoy that, get her all her favorite snacks and let her chill in her room and enjoy her day. Also get her the damn cocoa machine. It doesn’t matter if anyone else drinks it, it’s for her not the rest of the family. If you don’t change your attitude towards her now before the teenage hormones and attitude kick in it will be nearly impossible to fix later. Please try to repair the damage you’ve done, that’s your baby and only daughter
As soon as I read that sentence it was 100% clear OP is an AH! OP and their wife have an introverted daughter and obviously hate it!
Op- you couldn’t let her have a chilled day in her room because it would “reflect badly” and you couldnt even get her the present she asked for even though she barely asks for anything?
You and your wife are the problem.
YTA
> She is also very ‘unconventional’ in the sense that she doesn’t desire a lot of the things that are typical of girls her age….my wife and I have tried to FIX this…
So her birthday was just more of the same… You didn’t listen to what she wanted for her birthday, had to overrule that because of your need to appear to be the one who does everything all up despite what the birthday person’s wishes are, and you refuse to get her the one simple thing that would’ve given her joy as a present.
Then you close with
> I was just trying to make her birthday special
Yeah, for you and everyone BUT her
I wonder if you have screwed up as poorly with the boys, I’m suspecting not. Especially since they’re calling her ungrateful, she’s got the whole family either ignoring her or ganging up on her all at once what a nightmare to live in….Your poor daughter
PS. You can take the theatrical quotation marks in your title out…you did in fact RUIN your daughter’s birthday
YTA
She’s an introvert and didn’t want a party. She told you she wanted a hot chocolate machine, but you chose something else you “thought she would appreciate more.”
Everything you did in this post was about you and how others perceive your family, not your daughter or want she wanted for her birthday.
YTA
> we’ve always tried to make her feel special.
By throwing her a party solely so you look good and giving her a gift she didn’t want? Then scolding her when she’s not grateful for your half-assed attempt? You ruined more than just your daughter’s birthday. You’ve ruined your relationship with her. I’m going to hazard a guess that the reason why she prefers being in her room is because you make your daughter feel awful. Make being a decent parent this year’s resolution.
Also, you don’t have to be 50 to enjoy hot chocolate. And why does it matter if no one else in the family drinks it? It’s *her* present.
She might be depressed. And instead of considering it u bombarded her with people and noise and crap. And even if she isnt, she didnt want this. You coukd suggest renting a film, takeout, dinner out, maybe going out for a day somewhere ahe picks. Instead u did basic opposite of what she wanted.
Edit. On top of ignoring her bday wishes, u ignored her gift wishes! Why even ask her if u weren’t going to do it??
After many years, when I hear people obstructing on that’s bet-tee and see, see, aren’t you grateful, I lose all respect for them. You are going to lose that girl. If she’s fortunate, she can escape and reconstruct herself. Unless? Of course, you brainwash here into thinking it’s bet-ter to be a clone.