My wife has a 5 year old son (almost 6) who she has built a terrible sleeping relationship with. I’ve been in their lives since he was freshly 3. I don’t have any of my own so at the time I didn’t realize the damage this routine would cause.
Anyway my wife’s sleep routine has always been the same but the final part she lays with him and acts like she’s going to sleep next to him then when he falls asleep he thinks mom is next to him. This causes him to wake up 4-5 times a night and come into our room crying. Not a big deal at first we thought he’d grow out of it. I told her she needs to break it since he won’t let me put him to bed it’s gotta be up to her. I’ve tried helping her with ideas I’ve tried talking to my stepson about it and she will try something for a couple days but the first time it doesn’t work she gives up and goes right back to the easy route. She constantly complains about being tired and not getting good sleep but never does anything to actually try to change his behavior around sleep. The other night I finally said until you make an actual effort to change his patterns I will not be helping you with him from the hours of 7pm until I wake up. I need my sleep too and I’m tired of losing it because the problem won’t be addressed. She called me an asshole and that I knew what I was signing up for when we got married. I said it’s not my responsibility to deal with the behavior that you taught and are unwilling to fix.
YTA and your wife is too.
When you marry a person if that person has kids then you are accepting a guardianship role in that child’s life. Part of that is being there and helping when things get heard. Even if it’s a bad habit taught by a biological parent.
Your wife needs to learn that taking the easy route will do your kid no good as he ages up. Your jobs as parents are to make sure that your kids survive to adulthood and that they know how to actually survive adulthood. Your son won’t know how to do that if this continues.
I think you are being an AH tbh.
Kids can be challenging. That’s life. When you sign up to be a stepparent, you have to accept that things will sometimes be difficult. There will be times when this kid may hate you simply because you’re not their biological father. Get ready.
It’s great that you tried helping with ideas, but in all honesty, what she needs is to talk to other parents who have actually lived through this and can share their own experiences, what worked, what didn’t work etc. with her. You’re both coming at the problem blind.
‘she will try something for a couple days but the first time it doesn’t work she gives up and goes right back to the easy route. She constantly complains about being tired and not getting good sleep but never does anything to actually try to change his behavior around sleep.’
So she HAS tried somethings – maybe she is giving up too quickly, but you said yourself she has tried.
She’s tired. She needs to vent, needs a supportive partner, and your response of ‘your problem, not mine, I don’t see why this child should impact my sleep’ is AHy in my view.
Don’t support laziness. Ugh! I recommend OP getting his own place or at least his own bedroom. Kids are difficult. Psh. LIFE is difficult. Tough love!
It’s not a horrible sleep habit. I’ll hold my kids hand to help them fall asleep until their married, idc. However, the kid is old enough to understand that mom helps him fall asleep but that she sleeps in her own bed. You can help with that conversation. You can help by reading to start the sleep routine and mom comes in for the final stretch.
Ywbta if you completely ditch your wife and step-kid during bedtime and blame her for a relatively common sleep practice.
NTA
I would however point out to your wife how this behaviour could cause a real problem should she ever have to “not be there” for a few nights.
Let’s say she is in a car accident or contracts an illness and has to be hospitalised? Or what if she ever has a new baby? Or her son wants to go camping with the Scouts?
Breaking this sleep routine has to be done, no matter how much it hurts them both. Her “little boy” is growing up, and it has to be done for both their sakes.
YTA. Falling asleep with the child is not what makes him wake up several times a night, it’s him feeling anxious or afraid of something probably on a subconscious level. So instead of actually trying to find a reason for his sleep problems you took the easy way out, (falsely) blamed your partner and stopped being a parent yourself?
Giving your child closeness, love and security is not a bad habit. It never is nor will it ever be. Why is your son anxious? Perhaps he just has needs for more support than average child? Is there something in his life that is a constant cause of stress? Are there too many rules and punishments so his brain reverts to a “baby” mode when it is time to sleep? What are the actual causes?
And before someone tries to come at me- most cultures cosleep until the children are almost teens. It’s normal especially as children are biologically wired to crave closeness. That’s not to say it’s necessarily wrong to separate the sleeping situations in any which age but to say that when a child shows you they *need* closeness it is because they actually do need closeness.
Having bad dreams, waking up from that and wanting parental warmth is also age appropriate from toddlerhood until teens.
My 2.5 year old still sleeps in his bedside crib and often moves over to the big bed. We lay next to him until he falls asleep. Then we get up and enjoy some grownup time. Sometimes when he wakes up he resettles himself. Sometimes when he has a bad dream he cries for us. Sometimes he wakes up and just quietly calls for us to see if we will come to him and if not he resettles himself. He has spent 0 days of his life where we have not laid next to him when he fell asleep and try to give him as much love as humanly possible during daytime. All it has done is made him more independent as time goes on.
So pull your head out of your ass, decide if you are that boys father or just pretend to be and then actually act the way you decide. Because all you are currently doing is actually actively harming him and causing him more anxiety. From his point of view his father no longer provides any fatherly love during the time he needs it the most. Shame on you!
I have 5 kids. I’ve laid with all to go to sleep. One is 1 and sleeps decently for a 1 year old, two are fantastic sleepers, one is a terrible sleeper (anxiety), and one has straight up insomnia.
I can’t imagine getting upset at my kid with anxiety for waking me in the night. If she needs me, I go. She’s 7, she’s still learning how to manage her anxiety and it’s my job as a parent to support her through the learning process. I remember how my anxiety was managed when I was a kid and I’ve sworn to do pretty much the opposite of how I was treated.
It’s actually really unhealthy behaviour for both. Poor attachment styles develop, she will honestly have a hell of a time when it comes to preschool, kindy etc separation anxiety will come out to play.
YTA, Just Take hin into your bed until he moves out by his own will…
Family beds are a thing and work very well…if you are not creative enough where to explore your life as husband and wife there are subs able to help you
What is the anxiety caused by? Nightmares?
Ot waking up when rolling over and realizing mom isn’t where you left her? Then you’re running to mom’s room to make sure a monster didn’t get her. Betrayed and relieved he causes a fuss because of the emotions
NTA, he needs to go to sleep not thinking mom will be in his bed in the morning
He isn’t 6 yet, at some point he will be able to go to sleep without mum laying down next to him. He will grow out of it.
Meantime, however it’s the nighttime waking that needs to be addressed. What has been done to make him feel more comfortable in his room? Does he have a night light, a special toy, weighted blanket? Teach him some meditation techniques, some easy breath work so that he can self-soothe but at the end of the day perhaps he just needs his mum more than some other children do.
There will be a time when he may want to go on a school trip or sleepover with friends, so absolutely address this but do it gently. He’s a sensitive soul and you did know that mum and son came as a package deal when you got married.
I get that you are frustrated but also by being an unsupportive spouse you are being an AH.
You might be changing too much at once. This needs to be done in little steps. Step 1 might be cuddling in his bed then when he’s drowsy, sitting up next to him while he falls asleep. Step 2 sitting next to the bed maybe holding his hand or rubbing his back while he falls asleep. Once he’s comfortable with that, start leaving the room and saying I’ll be back in 3 minutes, then come back in 3 minutes. Gradually extend the number of minutes. Eventually he will fall asleep during the I’ll be back periods.
Yeah I have been laying with my now 6yo and now 4yo for over 3.5-4 years now lol.
However, they know I go and sleep with Mommy later on because she misses me too.. So they know I am not there when they wake up.. Which def helps.. They only come in when sick and wake up at this point lol.
The easiest way for her to slowly improve this is for her to start explaining that she has to go sleep elsewhere for whatever reasons and so that he can get the rest he needs to keep growing, yadda yadda.
There is also a special attachment single mothers and sons have.. Well it was only a couple of years, that bond at bedtime is super tight and the subsequent years of doing it until he is his current age just ingrain it further.
I’m having a hard time getting past the first paragraph. Am I correct in my understanding that OP and the mom met, dated, and got married in under 3 years? Is that a normal timeline for people when children are involved?
Idk, ESH, mostly because I get the feeling y’all rushed into a relationship without fully working out exactly what roles you both would have in parenting this child.