So about 4 months ago my buddy (24M) who I (25M) have stayed in contact with since graduating highschool got royally screwed out of an apartment, not going to get into all the details about it but just know this one’s not his fault. He had one week to relocate himself and his cat, I offered him to move in with me I had a spare bedroom and I didn’t mind a company we have been close since graduating one of the few people I actually keep in contact with purposefully. He lived in New England while I live in the Gulf Coast, after a couple days he accepted the offer and flew down to come live with me.
I told him don’t worry about rent for the first month, just find a job and get back on your feet. It was almost 2 months before he found a job no big deal but because he doesn’t have a driver’s license I have ended up having to drive him everywhere he needs to go I set him up with my old bike that I don’t use anymore but I still end up driving him to and work more days than not, on top of that since my family knew him back from when he lived with my parents for 2 months after high school they invited him to Christmas, which was a lot of fun and I’m glad I had him.
I basically floated him the entire time he made an effort to pitch in but he doesn’t make much money where he’s at right now. I eventually I told him don’t worry about rent just get back on your feet his dream is to go be a tattoo artist and he’s really good and I believe he could do it, not like he’s lacking for motivation he has made most of a portfolio while he was here.
The core of the problem is I have been making an extremely conscious effort the past few months to become a cleaner person and stop living in filth, and he has become an active obstacle in that to the point where I have given up, he doesn’t pay for 80% of his own food, doesn’t pay any sort of rent, usually can’t pay his phone bill or all of it so I help with that too. I am going into some slight debt over helping him and honestly I don’t mind I’m about to come into some significant money I have $40,000 invested towards buying a home in the next 10 years, I’m able to cover all my expenses and still have fun. But it’s genuinely insulting because the only thing I ask him to do is wash the dishes every night and help me keep the place clean and he keeps on saying he’ll do it if he almost never does or if he does it’s half done it’s driving me up the wall like what more do you want from me I’m supporting you like you’re my child. He says that when he gets home from work he’s tired and I he will get to it but he almost never does.
To add on top I cook for him almost everyday, I’d love to cook and I truly don’t mind, I’ve been told I’m gifted in my ability to turn random scraps into delicious meals, I don’t mind cooking 360 days a year.
So what do you think am I the asshole?
TLDR
I’m supporting my friend from high school as if he was my child all I asked me return is he cleaning dishes, which he neglects almost daily.
Holy hell, the power dynamic here! YTA! Absolutely!
You’ve effectively set him up as being entirely dependent upon you for his life’s stability. Now you’re referring to him as a “\[your\] child” and demanding he do dishes. Or else what? He goes out on the street and all the progress he’s made to get back onto his feet goes down the drain?
Every single thing you say you’re doing for him, you claim you don’t mind, but the way you talk about it makes it sound like you’re sent by god or something. Meanwhile, all of this context about what you do is meant to show us what? How much this guy owes you for him not being truly fucked by losing his home a few months ago?
Jesus
So OP should do all the cooking and cleaning, and continue to support his friend financially, because there is a power imbalance? An imbalance created by OP helping his friend to stay off the streets and find a job, not an imbalance that OP created intentionally to manipulate his friend? And also not get at all frustrated by the fact that the guy won’t do the bare minimum of washing dishes after he’s eaten a meal cooked for him by OP?
You are an asshole to yourself. Your friend is an asshole. Tell him he has a month to start helping or get out. Stop enabling his shitty behavior.
You need to put your foot down.
“Friend, I’m glad to be able to help you out at this time. I know it must be dispiriting to not be able to achieve your goals as you would like.
“However, all I’ve asked you to do while you’re here is to do the dishes and help with the cleaning. You’re not paying rent, you’re not buying most of your food, I’ve been paying for your phone bill and other things, I’m doing most of the cooking. Yet you complain of being tired when you get home and don’t do the dishes or any cleaning, or you only do them partway.
“As I said, I’m glad to help you out, but I’m also tapping into my savings to help support you. I’m starting to feel resentful that you can’t or won’t even do these things to help. I don’t want to lose our friendship over this, but if you can’t or won’t help a little, I’m really going to have to rethink my choices in letting you stay. I hope you understand.”
He’s found a soft landing and will continue mooching as long as you let him.
You’re being taken advantage of, plain and simple. It’s not about whether or not you CAN afford it. He has to get out and get on his own two feet. You’re not his partner, nor his mother but you’ve made it extremely comfortable for him. He’s needs a 60 or 90 day notice to find his own place and for you to stick to it! It’s wild that you’re paying his cell phone bill, cleaning up after him, being his personal uber… like what are you missing here?! HE HAS TO GO
NTA. Tell him he needs to commit to doing more because when 2 people share a space, 2 people should be equally caring for that space.
You. Gave. Him. A. Place. To. Stay. If that were me I’d literally kiss your feet and be your live in maid.
YTA to yourself, time to give notice – hope your state’s law hasn’t given him legal right to stay after this time.
Give him a date to get his arse out that door – “I’m afraid this isn’t working for me any more”
Nta, you need to set a deadline for him getting his own place or he needs to start paying rent.
Everyone is tired when they get home from work. We still don’t expect someone else (who also has a job) to cook our meals and then also wash the dishes, while we sit on our bums watching TV. Your friend is taking you for granted in a significant way.
If this is out of character, he may be depressed by his financial situation and loss of independence, but that isn’t an excuse for his behaviour.
Even if he was your partner and/or paying half the bills, his lack of contribution to chores would still be an issue.
Sit him down and tell him that you’re tired of asking him to help around the house, and that if he’s not going to start pulling his weight he’ll need to make another plan.
The money you are lending / giving him is a separate issue and personally I would not mix them up in the same conversation. But since you are actually starting to go into debt to help him, you should consider how long you can keep that up. He must have other friends / family who could also help him. Or he could get a second job, like so many people have to do, in order to support himself like the adult he is.
It’s not just the “cleaning/cooking”, it’s all of it. Even though you say you don’t mind the other stuff, you do and this is just the final straw. He’s taking advantage of you and needs to go.
You’re doing a lot for your friend, and it’s not clear from your post if he’s shown the appropriate level of gratitude, but it also feels like you expect him to express his gratitude specifically in the form of cleaning, and setting yourself up to resent him if he doesn’t. It feels like by taking care of him like he is a child (helping out a friend who needs a place to stay is one thing, cooking for them daily and paying their phone bill feels like another?) you are expecting him to reciprocate your gestures like a child, by doing his chores like he is told. He might be an asshole to you if he’s expecting you to take care of him with no consideration of the strain it may cause you, or perceiving your more comfortable financial situation as a reason he is entitled to your help and care, but you may also be an asshole to him if you overextend yourself to take care of him in ways he hasn’t necessarily asked for and expect to control the way he reciprocates, because then you’ve created a power dynamic beyond a friend helping a friend in need. Either way, I think you are being an asshole to yourself by doing things for your friend that you say you don’t mind but clearly do. He shouldn’t have agreed to do dishes if he doesn’t really intend to do them, but I also think you need to have firmer boundaries both with him and yourself, because right now it feels like you expect a transactional exchange in which your generosity is reciprocated with specific actions that you have predetermined, which really is not actually very generous, regardless of your intention. You may also just genuinely have different standards of cleanliness and you may need to directly tell him what your expectations are – in a way that frames it not as you dictating his behavior/telling him all the things he’s doing wrong, but as a boundary and condition for existing in your space.
Good comments already but I thought I had a good amount saved. I’m not familiar with the market in your area but housing prices have significantly spiked over the last 4 years. 40k wouldn’t get you very far if you were looking for a forever home.
(In my area townhomes that were 300k are now 500k, homes that were 650k are now 1m+)
You need every bit of money possible and your friend is clearly taking advantage of you. I am so sorry but you’re being overly generous. If you want to have a family some day for example traditional weddings can cost up to 30k. Kids are extremely expensive (20 to 30k/year for childcare). When you’re single with few expenses people don’t think much and feel they have a lot to spare, but it gets real, real quick.
Save your money and give your friend notice. If you don’t then Y T A.
NTA