Sorry in advance if im not making much sense. English is not my first language. Also Im not sure if the mods will even approve this post.
So I (21F) already probably know the verdict, but outside perspective can’t hurt right?
Let’s just get to the problem. I was texting today with my BF(24M) and he said he’s bored and he’s thinking about either watching YouTube or going to sleep, so i told him few ideas about what he could do. And he said he’ll probably clean his closet instead.
And i said that’s great idea and he could even watch YouTube while doing it. He told me that he really can’t do 2 things at once, because then he can’t focused. And I replied: “Men🙄”.
Which was meant as a joke. but I understand that I screwed up and that it could be seen as an insult. But i saw multiple standup comedians say that joke, and i know there’s a difference between you being the one saying the joke and then someone else saying that joke about you. But i really thought that it will be seen as an innocent joke.
Now he’s sulking and is extremely angry at me and is answering in one or two word messages. And it’s this whole deal, where – okay I know i fucked up but you could’ve just said that I’ve hurt you instead of being mean.
I really think I’m the AH, he obviously also thinks I’m the AH. But my friends say that it’s not that big of the deal to act like this. And honestly I don’t know.
I’ve already apologised like 3 times, but he’s still like pissed at me, not even really mad at me.
So Reddit what can i do? How can I make this better?
Seems like an overreaction
Is that a common thing with him?
I mean you inserted a joke/Insult where it wasnt needed. But unless thats something you commonly do he’s overreacting especially after an apology.
Half of me feels like he’s overreacting. The other half of me really dislikes gendered insults.
May I ask what you said when apologised? It’s just that some apologies come across as being genuine and other apologies sound fake.
NAH because overall seems like your sense of humor just isn’t compatible with his. I could see a woman being equally sensitive to a “Women 🙄” joke about a gender stereotype, but it’s also really not that big of a deal to most people.
I mean you insulted him when he said he didn’t want to do what you suggested. I’d be pissed too.
It sounds like he is being performative to make a point about gendered language. I presume OP might react the same if he said ‘women🙄’, if you did something stereotypical that men don’t do and find annoying.
You really can’t be making sexist and derogatory comments like that if you want to be in a relationship with a man – definitely not before you are married. Leave him alone, and find a better forum to ask your silly relationship queries because you were sexist and he gets to respond how he likes.
INFO: did you apologize? You said ‘yeah I know I fucked up’ but did you say ‘I’m sorry for hurting your feelings’ to your bf?
So, you know how misogyny doesn’t feel good? Well, misandry doesn’t feel good, either.
My STB ex-wife used to always say insulting things about men. The problem is that, as a man, I felt *personally targeted* by this, even if I *understood objectively* that she was generalizing. It still didn’t feel good.
Your boyfriend didn’t feel like you were making a joke about men in general. He felt like you were making a joke about men, in general, and him, specifically — and using misandry to do it.
I’m not going to make a judgment call here because I don’t know if you do this often or not. I don’t remember this bothering me that much until my wife started doing it consistently. Either way, jokes that target race, gender, and other protected classes are insensitive when you’re joking about someone specific. It’s okay for comedians to make these jokes because they are generalized observations, not pointed insults.
That remark would’ve been a lot better received if you’d just used the roll eyes emoji without the “men” part.
How exactly did you apologize? Was it one of those non-apology apologies? Because from the tone of your post, you clearly don’t think you actually did much wrong here, and while I agree the message itself was pretty mild, it WAS sexist.
I’d imagine if he expressed annoyance at it and you completely dismissed his feelings about this “joke”, I would also be upset, but more at the doubling down and dismissing of emotions than the initial sexist comment.
Also, what was the joke? There’s no setup or punchline. It’s just him saying he doesn’t want to split his attention and then you going “men bad”. You mention comedians do it too, but I would hope they’d have some kind of semblance of a joke structure rather than just blurting out sexism.
If you truly and sincerely apologize and ACTUALLY get that what you did was kind of weird and pointlessly antagonistic for zero reason and he still doesn’t accept it, then maybe it’s time to find someone who is better suited to your temperament. Personally, at that point I’d roll my eyes at him and think he’s holding a grudge beyond what’s normal.
As far as the “I’ve apologized 3 times already”, I do need to point out that no one NEEDS to accept an apology. If the only reason you’re apologizing is to get someone to get over feeling bad, you’re apologizing in bad faith.
Needs to be higher. There wasn’t even a joke. It was just hate speech.
NTA. How is it possible women got labeled as sensitive and emotional 😭
If I were the guy, this would be grounds for breaking up. Sexism against men has been taken way too casually. Y’all would never allow any men to talk about you that way.
YTA
I too once made a sexist remark about men when I was your age. I realized in that moment how I was being formed by the stereotypes that I was taught and no reality and I make a point to be more thoughtful to think and to only say things I meant. So now, do better.
Fwiw, I’m woman who can’t do 2 things at once.