So I (late 20s f) live with my parents/sister. My family has two separate celebrations for Christmas every year- one where we have my brother and SIL over, and another on another day where we have the whole family over.
One of my friends has just moved back into the area and I hadn’t seen her in a while, so I suggested we meet up again on a particular morning – I’m busy and if I don’t do that day, I won’t be able to see her for a while. On the same day, later in the evening, I have a dance class I do weekly.
I mentioned that I was going to meet up with her and some other friends to my mother, who was unhappy, reminded me we had Christmas dinner with my brother, and told me she had wanted my help that day getting ready. (Her wanting help is reasonable, but I would be back in the mid afternoon at latest, leaving me several hours to help her out. She’s still not thrilled).
I later mentioned to my sister that I would still be going to dance that evening (it would be at the tail end of dinner and they’d still be there when I got back afterwards) and she clearly wasn’t happy about that either.
Just so we’re clear, I would be around to help in the afternoon and there for dinner in the evening (my sister will be around to help her as well), and we have the main Christmas dinner later in the week which I would be around to help with anything necessary for.
AITA for seeing my friends/going to my dance class that day?
INFO I don’t understand the timeline. You say you’ll be back mid afternoon, can help preparing for diner for *several* hours, attend the Christmas diner and go to dance class. That doesn’t add up unless your dance class is very late at night.
Did you know about the dinner and dinner prep when planning an outing on the same day? Were you involved in picking a date/did you agree to be there? Is participation in the dance class obligatory or you just don’t want to skip a class?
I personally think it also depends on how much you contribute in other ways (both financially and in regard to cooking, grocery shopping, chores etc.)
Okay, let me clarify the timeline – I expect to be home by 230 tops if not earlier. Dinner wouldn’t be until 530-ish, dance is a bit later in the evening. I might have to cut out a bit early but I’d be able to see them more when I got back.
I admittedly DID forget about the day when I planned to see people, that’s on me. I was not involved in picking a date, I was simply told when it was, and while I haven’t talked to her about it my mother likely was aware it would be the case that I would dip for an hour when she chose it. Again, it IS just dinner with my brother/SIL.
It’s admittedly not mandatory attendance, I just don’t want to skip it. They’re doing some stuff that week I’ve been looking forward to for a while.
I just don’t understand why brother and SIL have to have a separate event before the main family event. When did holidays become a weeklong thing that people have to be available for and their lives have to come to a standstill.
NTA OP – you’re an adult and you’re still accommodating them. Do you and explain that you’ll still be there but can’t stay due to prior commitments.
I’m guessing they will spend actual Christmas with her family.
NTA. You are an adult with your own schedule, and you are still making time for both the meal and several hours of preparation. Since you are attending the dinner and will be home for the “main” celebration later in the week, your family’s expectation that you remain on standby all day is unreasonable.
As long as you follow through on helping in the afternoon, you aren’t doing anything wrong by seeing a friend or attending a class.
NTA.
Once my children became adults I told them that we would love to see them at some point over Christmas but if they had different arrangements we would fit in around them. So far, our Christmas day has been 25th, 26th or 27th December.
This will be the first year one of them will be missing entirely as they will be with their partner in another country. We will miss them terribly but wouldn’t dream of trying to dictate what they do, when and who with. They are an independent adult with the ability to make their own decisions.
You could do some of the preparations the night before your brother and SIL meal to help your mother. There was an expectation for you to go to your dance class so you should feel no guilt for attending that.
Are you ok with putting distance in your family relationships? Because it’s really really really really really really socially unacceptable
Going says you don’t care about them, even if you do
No judgement but it will likely have consequences
Exactly. Dinners like this are typically a stretched hangout throughout throughout day whilst dinner is being prepped and cooked. Repeatedly leaving throughout the day to meet up with friends would likely be considered rude as everyone is looking forward to the hours spent together. I wouldn’t be surprised if the consequences of OP’s decision are bad.
Visiting your friend you don’t see often seems fine (we are talking at least months, right?), but I dont understand why are you prioritizing a class over an annual family celebration. Is it one of many classes, or one in a series of maybe 4 total that you paid a lot for? What does the help your Mom wants entail? Can you do a little ahead of time to help prep?
The bigger YTA moment is you leaving the dinner to go to dance, wtf is that about?? I’d be pretty annoyed about that if I were her. She slaves in the kitchen whilst you hang with friends then you eat and dip to go dance before the meal is even over? Where is the appreciation or gratitude??
If you want to see your mate in the morning and your mum doesn’t want to be slaving in the kitchen alone then you can be proactive and ask what help she needs and either A) have a mother daughter night the night before where you help her prep everything or B) do the prep yourself the night before so she only has to finish the day of stuff.
That should resolve the issue with your meet up. Nothing makes the dance class ok though.
Her mum chose that date knowing that OP has a dance class. I don’t get why anyone is annoyed tbh. Live and let live I say
> She slaves in the kitchen whilst you hang with friends then you eat and dip to go dance before the meal is even over?
OP pays to attend a dance class. If the class is meeting that day, it is not inappropriate for OP to attend. If they do not, they will miss a lesson. Take *THAT* up with the instructor.
if you were male, would this be an issue?
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll before I saw this comment! I don’t know if a second parent is in the picture, but there’s definitely a brother. That brother’s plans seem, at least in part, to be dictating the timeline. What responsibility is he undertaking to prepare for this family gathering?