I (25) live with my fiancé (24). After my parents split up last year, my mother (mid-40s) moved in with us because she can’t currently afford to live on her own.
Overall, we genuinely enjoy living together. The arrangement works well most of the time and there aren’t ongoing issues day to day.
A few months after the breakup, she started seeing a new partner (nearly 50). We’ve been fine with the relationship he seems like a decent person and treats her well, but the house we all live in is mine.
The issue is how often he stays over. He’s been sleeping here every weekend. We previously had an argument about it and tried to set some boundaries, but those boundaries have been ignored.
To be reasonable, I even suggested alternating weekends (some at our place, some at his). However, I was told this isn’t possible right now due to cultural reasons, as he currently lives with his mother.
I brought it up again recently, calmly and respectfully. I explained that even though they stay in her room, it still changes the dynamic of the house. It means we never fully have the space to ourselves at the weekend, and it makes it harder to relax or feel like the house is just “ours” sometimes. Having a guest over every single weekend is exhausting, regardless of where they spend most of their time.
She was not happy about me bringing it up again, and says she doesn’t understand why it’s a problem. She’s also said she feels like she has to “tip-toe” around in the house now. Since then, she’s been trying to guilt trip me by saying she’ll look for her own place to stay if that’s the case, even though she currently can’t afford to live independently.
No matter how I try to explain this or what I suggest, there’s no compromise, she just keeps insisting that the real issue is that I “have a problem” with her new partner. I’ve repeatedly said this isn’t about him personally, it’s about boundaries and the fact that this is my home.
I’m not trying to control her relationship, but AITA for wanting to enforce boundaries in my own home?
Edit:
Mother (45)
New BF – not sure how old he is, almost certain older. Regardless, judging by the comments that doesn’t matter.
Also both have jobs
NTAH
While it is your mother’s home now too, it’s a shared space. She seems like she’s trying to railroad her way in by just doing what ever she wants. You are a grown adult are are doing your mom a favor by letting her stay with you.
And I don’t understand why it’s a big deal that she can’t go to her BF’s place, if it’s against his culture to them to stay the night at mommy’s house they probably shouldn’t be doing it.
NTA! she moved in with you. your house, your rules. she already pushed your boundaries once, & it’s unfair that she’s putting it on you.
NTA, but tbh, I don’t think you’d be the asshole for saying “Well if it’s against his culture for you to stay there, I’d bet it’s against his culture for him to stay the night here. What his religion? I think I might convert.”
But also, I’m curious about the details of what that culture is?
if she is adamant she will move out and have her own place, let her! but tell her when she inevitably can’t afford to live not to come crawling back! If she doesn’t respect your space, she doesn’t respect you. Surely this man has a job, can they not put some money together for the odd hotel stay to have alone time? surely being contained to a bedroom all day they feel like teenagers lol
NTA
>she’s been trying to guilt trip me by saying she’ll look for her own place to stay
Call her bluff.
NTA your house and all. But bigger issue I have is why these two nearly 50 year old adults cannot manage an apartment neither of them? UGH
Right? I’m the mom’s age, and I’m like…get it together lady! I know housing is insanely expensive right now, but how did she walk away from a divorce with nothing, and why can’t she find an apartment with a roommate if needed?
NTA… He is encroaching in your space and weekends ….
NTA-in fact you need to be more firm if anything. It’s not a conversation. It is a rule. It’s your home.
Amazing how these 2 adults who can’t even afford to live on their own have all the time in the world to spend weekends together.
Why aren’t they working? If they were doing that instead of worrying about a relationship they could probably live on their own and the do whatever they want.
Instead they are relying on their child and their elderly parent to fund their lives??
Call her bluff. Let her find a place and be free if she does not respect your home
Tell your mom if she won’t tell her boyfriend to not come every weekend then you’ll tell him instead.
And make it Friday night and leave before noon.
She has no say since it’s not her house. And it’s affective immediately. Whether she’s moving out or not.
Too bad your mom won’t get her way. If she can’t afford to live by herself but wanna be with her boyfriend every weekend then she has to find somewhere cheap enough within her budget.
Do not give in. Your mom is not a teenager. And you’re her daughter not her mom. Good luck.
And make sure she understands that there will be no returning. No financial help from you neither.
NTA – let her move out. She’s only in her mid 40s, she can get a FT job
Time for mom to move out. Mom knows. NTA
NTA. She’s not the victim. Don’t let her deceive you.
I wonder if this one of those situations where the mom had told this guy it’s her house. We’ve seen that before.