AITA? One of my best friends visited me in my hometown for a week. Overall it went well. One night at a pub she said there’s always at least one thing that bugs you about another person and joked that I can be a bit “anal.” It’s true and we laughed. She asked what I disliked about her and I said that when we phone she doesn’t usually stop talking even when I say I need to go. All lighthearted.
On the last night, after a long stressful day and while trying to sleep for an early flight, she brought it up again and said I should tell her something I dislike about her in person. I said it wasn’t a good idea because I was exhausted, it was late, and we’d already had small irritations. She insisted and said she wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I told her. I warned her I wasn’t in the right headspace, but she kept pushing.
So I said that sometimes she can come across as a bit of a know-it-all, which can be annoying occasionally but is great most of the time. She immediately went quiet and asked for examples. I said I didn’t really have concrete ones and that it wasn’t a big deal, but she kept pushing. I mentioned that when we first met she once emphasized being older than me in a way that felt like she knew better. I again said it was minor and probably badly worded because I was tired.
Then she suddenly said, “Let’s just sleep.” I asked if we were okay. She said it was giving her “food for thought.” When I asked what for, she said it was making her reconsider the friendship. I panicked and repeated that she should take everything with a huge grain of salt and that I wasn’t in the headspace for this conversation. She stopped talking, while I lay there anxious.
After we went home, she started replying to my texts very slowly (1–3 days), which is unusual for her and something she normally considers disrespectful. After several messages being left on read, I asked if something was wrong. She said I hurt her feelings deeply, that my comments affected her a lot, and that she doesn’t want to talk about it. She said that’s why she has pulled back and needs space.
I’m shocked and feel this is a massive overreaction, especially since she pushed me to say something and started this whole thing. I also took her comment about me calmly and jokingly. Now she’s saying this makes her reconsider our friendship.
We usually have a very honest and close relationship, so this came out of nowhere. I’ve sometimes felt I need to be careful being honest with her because she doesn’t take criticism well, even when she asks for it, but this feels extreme and unfair.
For context, I’m autistic and can struggle with social rules and tone. I feel like I was just mirroring the honesty she asked for. I understand she might feel hurt or insecure, but does that justify pulling away and questioning the entire friendship? Is what I said really so bad? AITA?
Don’t wanna know don’t ask
NTA
I have a whole bunch of links here that may be helpful for you, from another neurodivergent person
Check out neurodivergent communication especially
https://www.reddit.com/u/Deflated_Hypnotist/s/BOp4Y9uQVh
I appreciate those links a lot as ND myself, but I think it’s important to note OP here is NTA. Our demographic gets crap all the time about not knowing how to communicate or pick up on social cues, but when someone is actively and aggressively pushing for an answer to their question, it’s their problem when they don’t get one they like.
It honestly feels like the friend was either fishing for compliments, OR intentionally setting up OP to be the bad guy. Especially the fact they did it at the end of a long day and while they were trying to sleep for an early flight. (This part could 100% be projection on my part, but) it’s like friend knew OP would lose sleep over this and wanted to punish them for the phone comment previously.
And I have put in effort to talk to her about our communication differences and how they might present themselves in the relationship or cause friction – although here I am not even sure if anything that happened has anything to do with my neurodivergence.
Nta. She pushed you to tell her and now it’s upset you told her. That’s on her.
NTA. Why is this person your “best friend”?????
This is the first time such an over exaggeration has ever happened. She is very loving, always bakes me cakes on my birthday, listens me out (usually at least), gives me grace and all the good things in a friendship. I’d always known she had had this tendency though, and been a bit careful around wording some things but it had never impacted the relationship, so I never worried. Maybe I should have seen some of her comments as a slight red flag, where she would often say she has no problems cutting people off instantly if they upset her. I always thought this meant to cut off somebody toxic who doesn’t treat you right, so never thought I’d be put in this position tbh.
NTA She put you in a no-win situation. This doesn’t read to me as something that had anything to do with your autism. Sometimes people do this where they ask a question they don’t want the honest answer to. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.
Your first instinct that it was a bad idea was correct but she pushed pretty hard. I’m not autistic and I’m not sure what I would do in that situation, imo she diverged pretty hard from the unspoken social rules. I guess a firmer “I don’t want to talk about this. You’re making me uncomfortable” may have in retrospect been the lesser of two evils, but that would have also generated awkwardness and you couldn’t have known how she would reply. Imo your “one thing” was very proportional to hers.
While you didn’t do anything wrong, unfortunately she gets to feel however she feels and deal with that however she chooses. It’s not fair to you, but there’s no court that can force your friendship back to normal.
NTA. as another autistic person this is like… my worst nightmare. she asked a direct question and got a direct answer after you said no a million times. she just wanted you to say she’s perfect
Os it possible she wasn’t asking because she wanted to know, she was asking to create an opportunity to tell you something she didn’t like about you?
Or because she’s tiring of the friendship and she was too much of a coward to admit it. So she coerces OP into a confession and she’s decided to build up into a reason to distance herself.
NTA. Your friend sounds as if she has some underlying issues with you. She seems petty and a bit sensitive. Why would you ask something you really don’t want to know? Then not be an adult and talk about it…what makes you want to be her friend anyway? She seems annoying on the surface.
Nta. She pushed, she asked, you answered.
I wouldn’t ask my friends such a stupid question😂 you have done nothing wrong