I live off campus with two roommates, Z and C. Everything was fine until Z started dating O, whose behavior quickly made our home uncomfortable. At first he visited normally; however, he soon became a near-constant presence who acted like he lived with us. O frequently walked around our hallway in underwear or completely naked, and both C and I saw him fully nude multiple times. As a result, C developed sleep issues because she didn’t feel comfortable leaving her room at night. Moreover, O regularly showered in our apartment, used our toiletries and kitchen items without permission, and often blocked the bathroom when C and I needed to get ready for work, which made us late several times. We could also hear O and Z having sex clearly through the walls, and they often made out loudly in shared spaces, which made us feel like outsiders in our own home. Furthermore, there was a concerning incident at a Halloween frat party where, after someone yelled that police might be arriving, O grabbed Z and tried to take her into an unsafe, off-limits basement until several fraternity brothers yelled at him. At that point, C and I talked to Z privately and calmly about O’s nudity, constant presence, and boundary issues. Z seemed overwhelmed but said she would talk to him. Even then, two hours later, O returned and behaved exactly the same.We attempted a second conversation, although O was present, and Z immediately snapped, made irritated faces, and shut down emotionally. Since talking clearly was not working, we eventually created simple written house rules: no nudity, no showering unless you live here, no vaping, no using others’ belongings, and guests must be supervised. These were basic boundaries. However, Z saw the posters before we could explain and texted us upset, insisting O was always respectful and bringing up unrelated concerns. I responded politely and explained we were just trying to keep our home comfortable.Z said she understood, but she has been extremely distant since then, giving one-word answers and hiding in her room when O visits. O also ignored me when I greeted him on campus, which felt intentional. Finally, a book was left on our dining table, and because friends often study over, I opened the first page only to see whose it was. It turned out to be Z’s journal, and the page mentioned her feeling uncomfortable that day and how I made her feel awkward and I was extremely rude for doing that. I closed it immediately, but now I feel awful even though I only checked ownership.
NTA She left the journal there on purpose and is using emotional manipulation to get what she wants.
She is way out of line with her bf and if it starts up again I recommend going to your landlord about her lease violations. It won’t ruin your friendship because she is not your friend
My first thought too
NTA. He is borderline committing sexual harassment of you two. If a random man flashed you in the street you’d recognise it as such.
That’s not borderline. It is sexual harassment.
These were the actual rules we posted:
Guest Expectations for O:
• Must be fully clothed outside Z’s bedroom
• No showering unless you live here
• Cannot use roommates’ kitchen supplies or toiletries
• Overnight visits limited
• Daytime visits limited to short periods
• Must be supervised in the kitchen and shared spaces
• Cannot leave belongings in communal areas
• No smoking or vaping inside
General House Rules:
• Lights off when leaving a room
• Front door must remain locked
• Notice required for guests, especially male guests
• No clearly audible sex in common areas (three-strike policy)
• Guests cannot be unsupervised in shared areas
• Guests must follow house rules and be clothed outside bedrooms
NTA
He’s walking around naked so you guys will see him, which is a major violation and sexual harassment.
Honestly, at this point, contact your landlord. I’m sure there’s something in the lease about overnight guests and how often they’re allowed. You tried talking to her and she shut down, now she’s trying to manipulate you with emotions. Don’t fall for her crap.
NTA
Z is embarrassed and sulking because she realizes O has been behaving inappropriately and also that SHE has been behaving inappropriately by allowing him to encroach in your safe shared space. Walking around nude, using toiletries he isn’t paying for, and generally being at your shared apartment more than a “guest” (i.e. 1-2 nights per week or whatever is allowed per your lease) are all not okay.
If she’s so upset about it, she and O can get their own apartment together, or she can start sleeping over at his place.
Check your lease. And if this is campus house, report him for sexual harassment. Actually you can probably do that even if you live off campus.
Being nice and reasonable didn’t work. NTA
INFO What’s the lease situation? Also, when O has been nude, have you called Z into the room to directly handle the situation? I’m not saying it’s on you to police his behavior, but involving her directly when he isn’t clothed and is in the shower could force her to deal with it as it’s happening.
NTA in respect to journal- I would suspect it was intentional leaving it where you would find it. Checking whose it was is fine.
NTA for setting house rules, although I would recommend trying to get buy-in from all roommates before putting up rules, otherwise it feels like putting up notes and leaving them for other housemates to find. Ideally, you all have the chance to agree on the rules and then you can put up the notice as a group.
O is still solidly the asshole all around for his behaviour.
I’ve lived in enough shared roommate situations that I usually discuss partners and guests as part of the shared agreements with everyone when setting up chore arrangements etc- it is otherwise a potential minefield.
NTA
Z is the AH…. She has knowingly put 2 female roommates in an unsafe and uncomfortable environment by allowing her bf to parade around nude !!! The level of disrespect and disregard for your comfort and safety by Z is egregious
She knows she has encroached in your safe space and knows both her and her bf have acted inappropriately towards you , but instead of profusely apologising she’s being an entitled slug ! Lucky the bf isn’t hit with a sexual harassment charge !!!
You have nothing to feel guilty about or apologise for . Z should be apologising as she has violated so many boundaries !!
She’s a terrible roommate
I know this would be uncomfortable for you both but I wish you could do what I would do…every time he walks out in underwear or naked stare at his ** and just giggle and walk away, better yet if both are there giggle and whisper to each other then break out laughing and walk away…if they try to say something just say you were thinking of something else/talking about something else and say you didn’t even notice he was naked…bet he starts wearing clothes. Make him as uncomfortable as he makes you…
NTA she’s immature and likes playing house with him but it’s in your dime and making you justifiably uncomfortable in your own home. Who cares if she’s upset? She’s the rude one.
NTA
“He has always been respectful”
“Well then you both have nothing to worry about on these posters, do you? Oh wait! They’re for everything he HAS been doing! Looks like you two need to get your own place. I’m sure he’d be willing to pay rent and actually take care of you rather than show his parts to your roommates and imply he wants to sleep with us.”