I have experienced light, safe, and non-confrontational flirting at work before, it has never made me uncomfortable as long as its from a far or in passing because it’s subtle and doesn’t require a reaction.
However, there is one colleague I have been socialising with on Fridays after work. We know each other casually, but we have never flirted, and I have always assumed our relationship was purely friendly.
One lunchtime, I was sitting opposite them when they leaned forward, batted their eyelids, put on a baby voice, and asked me to buy a coffee. I was very confused because this had never happened before, but suddenly in work while I’m stuck at the table eating.
I felt uncomfortable and couldn’t just ignore it because it was very in my face and confrontational, which made me feel pressured to respond. I was also concerned that it might have been performative in front of a new employee.
I don’t overtly flirt with anyone at work, and don’t expect anyone to do it to me. Even if I was in a relationship with a colleague, I would not want them to flirt with me in front of others in a work environment because I believe intimacy should be consensual and personal, not a public performance.
It wasn’t about the money or the coffee for me. I’m happy to buy coffee for anyone, and I would habe bought one if they just asked directly and regularly, but the way they asked made me uncomfortable and I wanted to bring it down away from flirting. And I didn’t want my action to be based on intimacy, but on a neutral exchange. To redirect the interaction back to a normal conversation, I asked if they had forgotten their money, so I could bring it down to practicality rather than staged intimacy.
They reacted angrily, eyes bulged up, face leaned forward and yelled, “If you want to say no, then say no!” which felt intimidating and like I was being forced to comply, it flipped from intimate to hostility. I calmly said, “Ok, no,” and regulated myself as they became upset and went off in a mood.
They don’t like me anymore.
But tbh, this is the first time they flirted with me, but it isn’t the first time they have reacted to me with high pressure reactions and scorn. So I am not really bothered about losing a friend who is unpredictable and toxically charged.
I used to not understand why companies have no flirting rules in work, but now I understand why. It’s not that flirting per se is a bad thing, but there are contexts when it is inappropriate if it’s not wanted or if it’s being used for coercion or to show off.
would personally say NTA since you are allowed to reject people especially if u are uncomfortable in a work environment. That being said i feel the redirect was maybe a little rude, perhaps you could have laughed it off instead and not really answered? The coworker definitely overreacted but also probably felt embarrassed and shot down since baby voicing takes …..courage lmao
This just leads to more attempts and accusations of not having been clear enough. People are really butthurt about women who stand their ground.
NTA
It sounds like this person may have misinterpreted your Friday after work social time as more intimate than it actually was. Regardless, flirting to get you to pay for things, especially publicly/at work is highly inappropriate, and the sudden flip from inviting to hostile is simply untenable in any relationship, professional, platonic, or intimate.
I also have a similar preference that intimacy should be consensual and private, not performative, manipulative, or public. I know some people are more open with PDA and that’s okay (to an extent) given it is also consensual. That’s clearly not the case here.
I’d say steer clear of this person as much as possible at work. It may even be helpful to document this interaction, so that if they escalate you have a record to report to HR or higher ups.