I’m twenty four years old female of those crafty types who’s been making personalized birthday cards for my family since I was 12yrs old . It’s not fancy stuff just water colors, inside jokes, little doodles that mean something to him. It’s my way of saying I care. My cousin Jake 25 yrs male and I were super tight growing up sleepovers, the whole deal was that his cards always got extra effort. Last year’s had this tiny sketch of us as kids stealing cookies from grandma’s jar, with a note about how he is a terrible liar. But here’s the thing, every single one I’ve given him over the years has ended up lost. I’d visit and spot one shoved under his couch, ink smudged from who knows what, fished out of his recycling bin like it was waste mail. The first few times, I laughed it off guys are messy. But after the fifth or sixth, it started stinging. I pour maybe 2-3 hours into each, picking paper that won’t bleed, testing colors till it looks right. This year for his birthday, I just couldn’t so grabbed a basic card from the store, written.. Happy birthday, don’t eat all the cake inside, and called it a day. No art or memories. He opened it at the family dinner, looked at it for a second, then forced a smile and said, Oh, cool thanks. Later, he called me aside and was like, what happened to the real card? This feels off it’s our thing. I told him straight up it didn’t feel worth it anymore. He got defensive, said life’s busy and he didn’t mean to. My aunt his mom texted me that I’m being petty and ungrateful for our family traditions, and a couple other relatives are chiming in that I should’ve just sucked it up because it’s the thought that counts. Jake apologized, but then added that my cards aren’t that big a deal anyway. It has me second guessing maybe I overreacted?
Am I the asshole for withdrawing on the tradition like that?
NTA. It seems like he hasn’t appreciated the handmade cards previously.
yea that’s what i have on mind
NTA. He was careless and ungrateful for something you have spent dozens of hours on over the years. Then when you gave him the same energy he got upset. His apology was not an apology it was an excuse for his behavior. A real apology does not include an insult.
ikr thanks for your concern. i just hope he realizes his wrong
almost NAH. it was shitty of him to say they weren’t that big of a deal, when clearly he did care. it sounds like you two have a good relationship so I would give him another chance at a proper chat between the two of you about what to do about cards in the future.
it makes sense that seeing the cards uncared for would upset you. but I also think that things don’t have to be forever to be special. just bc he doesn’t treasure these cards forever, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t appreciate receiving them. I really believe it’s possible to find a solution where you feel appreciated that also works for him. maybe it’s as simple as him buying a box to keep them in (esp. now he knows how much that matters to you) I know it seems really obvious to you that you would want people to care for these little artworks you make but in general men aren’t used to practicing that kind of sentimentality, so that’s why I think it’s worth a chat, especially if you haven’t raised it before.
my handmade cards are far less artsy than yours sound but I never expect people to keep them forever.
oh to be clear, no assholes between you and him. rest of the family can get fucked. very much in the trend of women have to do everything to make occasions special but don’t deserve any gratitude. gross.
thanks i appreciate your words. i think i’ll give him a second chance
I’d say, can you also do something that’s maybe just less labor intensive? Still personalized and cute, but that won’t sting so hard afterwards?
I keep all the cards that people have made for me or written lovely notes in. They’re in a dedicated drawer. I recycle the ones that are basically just a signature. If I were in your shoes, I would be hurt, too. How can your aunt accuse you of being ungrateful when *you* were the one making them, and they were the ones receiving?? If your handmade cards are no big deal, then receiving a commercial card instead is no big deal either… so why the fuss? NTA, but maybe give him another chance now that he knows his lack of care hurt your feelings. Hopefully, he’ll do better.