I am a 17(F) w/autism (this part is important, I promise) and my mom is a 49(F). To preface, I want to clarify that my mom is NOT an alcoholic, however, her drinking is becomning more alarming; and its not the amount or rate she is drinking, but how she acts. I have noticed in the past year that each time she comes home buzzed we argue; she somehow finds something to become upset with me about, things that are so stupid I can’t even remember what we arguied about. And tonight was no different; I was getting ready for bed after a long day of studying when my mom, who had been out drinking, comes into my room and begins climbing on my bed; she starts like rearranging the pillows, like not even laying down or sitting. Now, I am very stict with my bed, so I ask her to "please get off my bed" and then I continue my routine. As I am brushing my teeth she starts repeatedly asking me, "What did you say?" and I explain to her that I asked her to please get off the bed. She starts getting all upset and gets off the bed entirely and walks out of my room. I start chasing after her and ask her what I did to make her upset, and she just repeats over and over again "I heard you". It was like 2am mind you, and I am trying to like decipher what she could possibly mean. She then walks back into my room as I am trying to figure out what it is I did that was wrong. And she just keeps on repeating "I heard you", I don’t like it when people are passive aggressive or don’t communicate what is upsetting them, and at this point I’m fatigued, I’m sleepy, and I am ready for bed. So I started begging my mom to please just verbalize what upset her, so we can come up with a resolution and get some sleep. She then goes on this rant about how I’m being so mean and rude, and that I asked her to leave when all she was trying to do was spend time with me. So I have to explain to her that I was not asking her to leave or that I didn’t want to spend time with her, I then apologize for her confusion and that what I meant by "get off the bed" was I simply just wanted her to stop basically walking on my bed, and just lay down or sit down or something. However, this explanation somehow made her even more upset, because she couldn’t understand what was wrong with how she postioned on the bed. Now, there are certain specifics that I have where I don’t really know why I’m so sensitive to them I just am, and my bed is one of those specifics. Now heres where my autism comes into play, I was dignosed about 2 years ago and since then I’ve been trying to figure out what components about my life have to do with my autism so I can better understand myself. So as I’m explaining I begin to say, "Also, my autism-" and then she cuts me off by saying "For f\*cks sake" and then just leaves me super confused. I 100% understand that I am in the wrong for not communicating better, but I’m not sure how I’m wrong for being protective of my space. Feel free to reply with advice or explanation. Thank you.
NTA. The unspoken social nuance you may be missing here is that there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome because she *wanted* to start a fight.
Yeah, she was being drunk, stupid and wanted to pick a fight with the OP.
As a general rule, don’t argue with drunk and stupid. It’s a waste of time. I don’t know what’s going on with the OP’s mum, but her behavior was inappropriate.
NTA. Your mom seems to have lots of (unpleasant) sober thoughts about you and your diagnosis. Her drinking lowers her inhibitions enough to voice those thoughts out loud and behave in a way that I guess she wouldn’t allow herself otherwise.
She does seem to know that she is in the wrong with her thoughts and actions (hence her deflective behaviour i.e. saying “I heard you.” and stuff even though you’re inquiring about a completely different issue).
I don’t think you can do anything to change her views or behaviour, so I suggest you make peace with that and become independent enough to leave her and her thoughts and actions alone.
NTA. Sounds like basic miscommunication which, is more common at 2am.. and, you’re both a little tired.. and alcohol coming into play.. if this continues and you can’t figure out how to understand each other’s needs it may be an issue. Get some sleep and try to lay your boundaries when you are both better composed.. Good Luck 🍀
With paragraph breaks:
AITA for telling my mom to “please get off my bed”
I am a 17(F) w/autism (this part is important, I promise) and my mom is a 49(F). To preface, I want to clarify that my mom is NOT an alcoholic, however, her drinking is becomning more alarming; and its not the amount or rate she is drinking, but how she acts.
I have noticed in the past year that each time she comes home buzzed we argue; she somehow finds something to become upset with me about, things that are so stupid I can’t even remember what we arguied about. And tonight was no different; I was getting ready for bed after a long day of studying when my mom, who had been out drinking, comes into my room and begins climbing on my bed; she starts like rearranging the pillows, like not even laying down or sitting. Now, I am very strict with my bed, so I ask her to “please get off my bed” and then I continue my routine.
As I am brushing my teeth, she starts repeatedly asking me, “What did you say?” and I explain to her that I asked her to please get off the bed. She starts getting all upset and gets off the bed entirely and walks out of my room.
I start chasing after her and ask her what I did to make her upset, and she just repeats over and over again, “I heard you.” It was like 2 am mind you, and I am trying to like decipher what she could possibly mean. She then walks back into my room as I am trying to figure out what it is I did that was wrong. And she just keeps on repeating, “I heard you.”
I don’t like it when people are passive-aggressive or don’t communicate what is upsetting them, and at this point, I’m fatigued, I’m sleepy, and I am ready for bed. So I started begging my mom to please just verbalize what upset her so we can come up with a resolution and get some sleep. She then goes on this rant about how I’m being so mean and rude and that I asked her to leave when all she was trying to do was spend time with me.
So I have to explain to her that I was not asking her to leave or that I didn’t want to spend time with her, I then apologize for her confusion and that what I meant by “get off the bed” was I simply just wanted her to stop basically walking on my bed, and just lay down or sit down or something. However, this explanation somehow made her even more upset, because she couldn’t understand what was wrong with how she postioned on the bed.
Now, there are certain specifics that I have where I don’t really know why I’m so sensitive to them I just am, and my bed is one of those specifics. Now heres where my autism comes into play, I was dignosed about 2 years ago and since then I’ve been trying to figure out what components about my life have to do with my autism so I can better understand myself.
So as I’m explaining, I begin to say, “Also, my autism-” and then she cuts me off by saying, “For f\*cks sake,” and then just leaves me super confused.
I 100% understand that I am in the wrong for not communicating better, but I’m not sure how I’m wrong for being protective of my space. Feel free to reply with advice or explanation. Thank you.
Thank you omg
NTA but as an autistic person myself I always keep it a general rule of thumb to never make my autism a reason for why I do or ask for something. I just do. Asking someone to get off your bed and stop interrupting your routine is completely reasonable regardless of the autism. I’m at a point in my life where it never comes up that I’m autistic. If I need something I just ask for it.
NTA but stop trying to reason with someone who’s drunk. Always wait until they’re sober when they can think more clearly. And stop apologizing when you haven’t done anything wrong. Let her run away without chasing her. As long as you didn’t knowingly do something wrong, her upset is her upset, especially when it’s unnecessary or out of proportion. By chasing her and trying to fix her upset you’re enabling it.
NTA. Your mom was there to pick a fight. She knows your bed is important to you and that you wanted to sleep, so she started messing with it to force you to engage. She was definitely being TA and it sounds like there’s a pattern of that right now.
You need to have a conversation when she’s sober about her behavior and how it impacts you and your relationship with her. This is probably going to be an awkward and painful conversation. She might deny that her alcohol consumption is causing problems. She also might be using the excuse of being under the influence to vent some underlying resentment or anger she has towards you. So brace yourself before the talk and have some plans for how you can comfort/regulate yourself afterward if it gets ugly.
Also, you might want to strategize how you’ll respond the next time this happens so you don’t feel as caught off guard… or wonder if you’re an asshole for saying something she reacts badly to. My advice would be to disengage as much as possible and stop trying to read the meaning behind her words and behavior. It takes the power away from passive-aggressive people when you don’t react to it. Act as if you only understand the exact words being used, don’t chase after the person or prolong the conversation, and try not to give them the reaction they are seeking (fawning or fighting with them). This is tough at first, but it’s important that you learn and remember that it’s not YOUR responsibility to manage anyone else’s emotions. Even when they make it seem like it’s your job/fault. You can’t make another person happy; that’s an inside job.
NTA Actually this isn’t even an autism thing. Many neurotypical people don’t like their bed being rearranged at 2am by an intoxicated person!
Sweet friend, you are only responsible for your words, actions and behaviors. You are not responsible for others’ reactions to those words actions or behaviors- especially when the other person is drunk at 2am. There was never a chance you could have spoken your mind freely in a way that your mom disagreed with that she would walk away peacefully. When a person has been drinking and starts to have a temper tantrum, please just let them walk away and have it by themselves. At that point you’re arguing with the alcohol, not the real person you know. They aren’t able to reason properly.
Your mom clearly has a problem with your methods of self-discovery. She just wasn’t brave enough to say it sober. I’m sorry she picked this moment in time and this manner to verbalize it to you. It was rude, and hurtful, and I’m so sorry for that! Maybe try to have a conversation about this topic when she’s sober. Tell her if you’d like her support, or explain to her what you’re trying to accomplish so that you two can better understand each other.
NTA, but you could’ve handled it better. In general, if someone you’re having a conversation with decides to leave, you shouldn’t chase after them. Best case: they don’t want to talk to you right now; worse case: they’re trying to get an upper hand in an argument. Beyond that, 2AM is not the time to “come up with a resolution”, it is the time to sleep. Save those conversations for when you are rested.
Honey, you described an alcoholic. At 17, you shouldn’t be navigating your wasted mother off of your bed. You shouldn’t be coming up with negotiation tactics for a full grown ass adult. You should be planning your exit strategy or figuring which family member can help her, because you’re not it.
You didn’t do anything wrong. That said it might be easier for you to remember that when your mom is drinking she is combative and belligerent. Just think about those terms and don’t chase after her trying to have a rational discussion.
She is combative and belligerent, just move her along out of your room so you can go to sleep and don’t try to reason with her. It’s up to you how you handle it in a big picture way but in the moment don’t try for reasonable discussion.