I (21F) and my boyfriend (22M) have lived together for a year. I work from home and I’m naturally tidy (coming from hospo). He has a toxic job with a 3-hour daily commute and comes home drained. Because of this, I voluntarily took over most of the chores (cooking, laundry, cleaning, groceries, care & maintenance for our dog) so he can rest. I don’t mind this mostly, but I feel like a household manager.
His *only* designated chores are taking out the trash and picking up dog poop. However, he does this poorly:
1. He will take the bag out of the kitchen bin but walk away without putting a new liner in. I have to remind him constantly. When he forgets, we end up throwing trash into a naked bin.
2. He only empties the main kitchen bin and forgets the trash cans in the bathroom/office/bedroom.
3. He forgets to take the bins to the curb about 70% of the time unless I remind him.
Last week, I decided to stop managing him. I didn’t remind him it was "bin day." He forgot, missed the truck, and the trash piled up. I cracked it at him because I was over having to deal with overflowing bin. I told him he had one job and he couldn’t even do that right without me holding his hand.
He got angry back, saying I should have just told him it was bin day so we didn’t miss the truck, and that I’m being unreasonable/mean because I know how exhausted he is from work. There have been several arguments similar to this. E.g he’s trying to find something in the house. He instantly asks me where it is rather than looking himself because it will save him X time looking for it.
**TL;DR:** I do 90% of the chores because my BF has a long commute. His only job is the trash. He constantly forgets to line the bin and ignores the bathroom bins. When he missed the trash pickup because I didn’t remind him, I snapped at him. AITA?
NTA. Jeez I’d honestly hate see how he would do without you.
Messier, but here’s the key – it’s not that big of a deal to him.
Maybe that’s a question OP should ask him. I’m curious to know his thoughts.
NTA but you have put yourself in this position by babying him. Job or no job, he ought to be doing his share of the chores. You say “you don’t mind this mostly,” but your post suggests otherwise. His weaponized incompetence is too obvious. If he needs reminding about bin day, he ought to put a reminder on his calendar. Wow, imagine what a great help this guy would be if you had a child. “I told him he had one job and he couldn’t even do that right without me holding his hand.” You got that right. Time to figure out if this is what you want for yourself.
NTA. You are not his mother or his personal assistant; you are his partner.
The ‘mental load’ of managing a household is a chore in itself. Doing 90% of the housework is already a massive gift you are giving him to accommodate his commute. For him to fail at the *one* simple task he has, and then blame you for not ‘reminding’ him, is a classic case of weaponized incompetence. He is a 22-year-old adult; he can set an alarm on his phone for ‘bin day’ just like every other adult in the world. Being tired from work doesn’t give him a pass to treat you like a household manager instead of a partner.
funny you say this because i did set a reminder on his phone 🤦♀️ 11pm every week the day the morning before bin day. he goes to bed around 12pm-1am so he forgets to take it out right before he goes to bed. to be fair, he has been remembering after i set the alarm.
also, i went to bed 10pm last night keeping an eye out whether he would take it out. he didn’t go to bed till 1am. i woke up and asked him if he took the bins out, and he didn’t 😭
What do you mean “you forgot” to change the baby’s diaper and feed baby…?
No. Sorry. No one too exhausted from work to do any chores is going to bed at 1am while their partner does everything else.
He’s taking the piss.
NTA ~ I also have a long commute. So do *a lot* of people. He’s taking advantage of your generosity, in doing almost *all* of the work. He’s being lazy and using “weaponized incompetence”.
Just because he’s tired, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do his share. He lives there too.
Keep his attitude in mind, when you think of being with him, *in the long run*.
And what would he do if he didn’t live with her? That’s right, he would do the chores (or live in a pigsty). He is taking advantage….
NTA My prediction is he is always going to have an excuse to not do chores. So your choice is- do you want to live like this long term?
NTA, you’re not his mom. He is a grown ass man and is perfectly capable of setting a weekly “trash night reminder” on his phone just like anyone else can.
I seriously don’t know what these people expect to do if they live alone. Genuinely, seriously, honest to stars, what does he think he’d do then? You are not his mother. You are not his maid, his home keeper, anything. You were doing most of the things at home out of the genuine kindness of your heart and love for your partner, and it was a small thing missing it, okay he takes the hit and tries harder to remember next time. Worse comes to worse he drives to the dump to chuck a few bags. But he has zero right to be upset that one of the incredibly few chores he has, he did not remember to do it. He is an adult with responsibilities not only at work, but at his home to and he needs to understand that.
NTA but you wanna reconsider if this is the life you want to live forever. Because you will forever do all the housekeeping, childrearing (if applicable) and have to remind him about everything.