The issue involves my cousin "Amy" (15f) and my friend Mel (28f).
A little bit of background. When I was younger I have attended private middle and high school, which Mel also attended and where her mother was a director. Usually in my country the classrooms contained about 30 kids for each lesson, but with that private school and since it recently opened each lesson had under 10 children at any one time or less as they were proud to offer almost 121 support and attention, meaning students didn’t have to have extra lessons to prepare for the exams. Obviously as it is a private school the costs were higher then in other schools around the city. Mel is also a few years younger then me.
Back to the present day Amy is attending that school too and Mel is working there as social studies and history teacher. Theres about 9 people in Amy’s year which helps her a lot to catch up on the subjects and actually learn. I was talking to her before the new year and she mentioned she chose social studies as one of the subjects for her exams, but hardly had any lessons as Mel seems to be getting overwhelmed with the boys in her class and instead of lessons just leaves them alone by themselves. I was shocked and brought it up with Mel and she said the boys become a bit too loud and she does not want to come across as rude when telling them to pay attention.
This week I also had a call with my uncle (Amy’s dad), who asked if I still have contacts for my old history/social studies teacher as he used to do tutoring, since Amy’s social studies mock exam went horrible and he is not sure what is going on. So I told him what is happening with Amy’s lessons and what Mel told me and he is furious since he is paying a premium for the school and expects all the lessons to go ahead or for school to notify him of such issues, so he sent a rather stern email to school and also told other parents about it.
After the email was received Mel messaged me and called me an asshole because she felt betrayed as she confided in me, but I decided to tell my uncle what is going on. The friend circle is rather divided on this matter.
NTA your uncle deserves to know what going on if it’s affecting his child negatively.
She’s shit at her job, that isn’t your fault. Nepo teacher needs to do better, not blame you or go crying to mummy
ESH – You put Mel’s career in jeopardy and created even more workplace problems for her, which certainly will not improve the quality of instruction.
That said, if Mel cannot handle a private school class with 9 kids, she isn’t cut out for the job and does not appear to be trying to improve through more engaging lesson plans. You probably would have been a good friend to encourage her to do something that better suited her personality and to support her career-change effortd, but it really was not your place to meddle in classroom matters. The issues with Mel were probably already obvious from the results and what Amy herself could tell her parents.
Mel does not want any career changes, I mentioned it to her before and she flat out refused. From what Amy told me, she and her class were told my Mel that their parents are aware of the issues and they are looking for a substitute teacher hence why she didn’t mention anything to my uncle. And it was said to them back in september.
Back when me and Mel were in school she caused a turn over of teachers where she desperately wanted to be friends with them and asking them for their private numbers and social media, and when the teachers were not comfortable she would complain to her mum and they would be let go. From what I saw and Amy’s words she is also now adding a bunch of students as friends on social media saying she wants to be friendly and cool but it is just looks and feels weird.
Mel’s career is not being put at risk by someone answering a parent honestly. It is being put at risk by the fact that students are not receiving instruction. Friendship does not create an obligation to stay silent when kids are being shortchanged academically. Encouragement and support are fine, but they do not replace accountability when a private school with nine students per class is still failing to teach the material. A parent noticed a real problem, asked a reasonable question, and received a factual answer. The responsibility lies with the teacher and the school to fix the classroom issues, not with someone who refused to minimize them to protect an adult’s feelings.
Mel has poor classroom management skills; she’s refusing to work on them so she’s the one who put her own career in jeopardy. “Not wanting to come off as rude” shouldn’t matter to *a teacher* when it comes to telling students to sit down, be quiet and pay attention. She’s an adult and they are her students; she shouldn’t be their friend.
YTA. Amy’s dad should be asking Amy what’s going on. You should have told Mel why you were asking, or that you were going to share something Mel had shared with you. Ultimately Amy’s education shouldn’t be unfairly impacted and the how also matters. The lesson you’re likely teaching Amy is to be unethical and to breach trust.
Amy’s dad did ask what was going on, and he was given an honest answer. This was not a random betrayal or teaching Amy to be unethical, it was responding to a parent who noticed a clear academic problem and asked for context. The ethical failure here is a teacher choosing not to teach because managing the class feels awkward. Trust does not mean secrecy when children are being shortchanged. Adults can feel hurt, but that does not override a student’s right to receive the education their parents are paying for.
NTA it sounds like Mel does not have control of her classroom and that is negatively effecting other students. This would probably have come up at some point as the school would notice the poor results in her classes, and kids and parents talk – a lot! So I think it’s was inevitable this would come out at some point.
It would have been better if it could be raised in a more professional way – but it is what it is. All children deserve a good education and a teacher who doesn’t want to seem rude (wtf?) needs mentoring and support from more experienced professionals.
Mel’s feelings are not more important than her students’ education. These are kids who are paying a premium price for small classes and individualized attention, and they are objectively not receiving instruction. Being uncomfortable enforcing classroom management is not a valid reason to stop teaching. That is part of the job. You did not gossip or exaggerate, you relayed factual concerns to a parent who is responsible for his child’s education. If Mel is overwhelmed, that is something the school needs to address through training or support, not by quietly letting students fall behind. Protecting a friend’s feelings does not outweigh protecting multiple students’ learning outcomes.
I completely agree with this view, the two main things I’d be worrier about are would be that Amy still has to be in a classroom with Mel so you’d need to be careful about not damaging that relationship especially if the aim is to make it better, and that navigating trust and boundaries is something that OP should be role modelling for Amy if OP wants to get involved to this extent.
NTA
Mel is a teacher, it’s her job to teach. There is detention and a principal and a policy for disruptive students for a reason.
She doesn’t want to be rude by telling them to pay attention? She needs a wakeup call. If her students are shown to trend low exam scores that can damage the reputation of the institution and also it’s not what the parents are paying tuition for.
You have every right to tell your uncle. She sounds like she is in over her head.
NTA. Mel has poor classroom management skills, if she was in the US, this would have been caught by the administration very early on and she would have had help working on improving her skills. Mel seems to forget that she’s *a teacher*, who cares if the students find her rude because she’s telling them to be quiet and listen. If she can’t figure out how to handle them, she shouldn’t be teaching.
I remember when I had a first-year teacher for a science class in high school in the US. There was one day where the principal of the school was sitting in the back observing the class. It turns out that it was a standard thing for them to do with new teachers and they’d just show up randomly every so often to see how the teacher was handling the class.