I have two daughters- aged 9 and 20. Their father and I have been divorced for around five years now. Their birthdays are about a week apart, and I was going shopping with my boyfriend for birthday gifts for the two of them. I bought my nine year old a big Lego set she’s been wanting and a little squishy “needoh” that’s been popular at school, and a stuffed animal. However, for my twenty year old daughter I spent more money, buying her a new Apple laptop for school since her old one has gotten a bit slow, a nice necklace, Ugg shoes she’s been wanting, and makeup from good brands like NARS and fenty. Both of their birthdays have now happened. My nine year old came up to me yesterday and told me it was apparent that I loved her older sister more than her because I had spent more money on her. My nine year old has been asking for uggs too, but I told her I couldn’t get them for her. I feel like those shoes are too expensive and she grows so fast they’ll be too small for her in a few months meanwhile my elder daughter can wear hers for years. I also felt like little kids shouldn’t get expensive things as they can damage them easily. I also tried telling her that I did spend money for a birthday party for her, renting out a bowling alley and paying for her and her friends food as well as a custom cake she wanted. (If I added the cost of the party and the gift, I probably spent more on my 9 year old than my 20 year old). She is still SO upset with me , and tells me I’ve been unfair. I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he told me that maybe I should spend less on my elder daughter
NTA – but I agree with your bf. But still u are not the asshole. Of course a 20 year old gets more expensive gifts and you threw your younger daughter a party!
YTA for getting your older daughter Uggs, something your younger daughter has specifically been asking for, not for otherwise spending more.
100% agree. When I was 17 or 18 (40s now), I specifically asked for a digital camera for Christmas. Was the ONLY thing I wanted. Mom got little brother (11 or 12) a digital camera, and a Gameboy, new shoes and a Razor scooter. I got a robe. Nothing else at all. And that was the year that grandma stopped buying gifts for all grandkids over 10, so that year I only got 1 item for Christmas. My birthday was the next month so I asked for a digital camera again and was told she spent too much money for christmas so she won’t be getting me anything. Also stated I was getting too old for gifts anyway….it still hurts all these years later. Fractured my relationship with my mom forever…
I don’t want to sound rude and I also dislike children, but where is your daughter getting these values about money? She’s only 9, so shouldn’t know how much things cost and shouldn’t have access to the internet to be able to look these things up.
NTA all of your reasons are justified and it wasn’t a conscious choice to try and be cruel to the 9 year old. You’re absolutely correct that she doesn’t need Ugg boots at her age and even went out of your way to make sure she got something she wanted, something trendy, and a huge birthday party. Unfortunately kids just don’t always understand, but as long as you are making the effort to show her love for her birthday you are doing okay. Your adult daughter needs different things. It would be one thing if they were closer in age and this was the way things were going but you made (imo) smart, age appropriate choices.
NTA – it’s good for 9 YO to learn that parties aren’t free. Next year let her decide which one she’d prefer (bigger party or bigger/more gifts).
Assigning a dollar value to things isn’t the action of a nine year old. Someone put that in her head. *there’s* TA.
Tell her no one should be getting out an adding machine when it comes to gifts they’ve received ‘that *nobody* owes them’, but if she insists, next year, it’s $20 total for each daughter including the party, so *she* can decide where it’s spent when it comes to her birthday. You could also let her know how many hours that is of your wages, and ask her how many hours of chores that equates to. That should clear up her case of ‘adding machine-itis’ somebody gave her.
NTA. if it was a contentious divorce and the girls told their dad about the gifts, there’s a chance he told the 9y/o that you “care about her older sister more” to drive a wedge between you. legos aren’t cheap, kids grow out of shoe sizes fast, and feeding kids for a birthday party is expensiiive, let alone renting a bowling alley. sounds like you’re a good mom and meeting each of their needs/wants based on their age
This made me think of Dudly’s birthday in Harry Potter, with him counting the gifts.
Sit down and show your daughter the prices of all her gifts, cake, party and so on vs what was spent on her sister. Then tell her money doesn’t equal love. Her behavior is a disappointment, and shows she values material things way to much.
Your the mom tell her until she quits growing name brand clothes is a no. Also parties going forward is cake and ice cream type of things only. There will be 1 gift plus some cash in an account for college/trade school or move out on your own fund.
YTA for allowing a child to guilt you because they are materialistic.
Sometimes it’s quantity over quality. And sometimes it’s the fact that there was one thing you know they want, the uggs, you say no and then give uggs to sister. It kinda feels like a slap in the face. Kids don’t care/realize how fast they grow. They just know what they want.
YTA. I get why she’s upset. I get why you’re reluctant. But she doesn’t see the cost if her party. And I’m guessing you didn’t say “hey, I can give you a party or uggs. Or you can do a smaller party and get more presents or a larger party and get less. We have our reasons, but they don’t understand unless we explain it to them.
My mom had to be careful with Christmas. We had to have the same number of presents as my brother saw number of presents where I saw value. I got a few Christmas gifts in the afternoon just me and mom in her bedroom because she knew it wasn’t fair but she couldn’t come up with a better way of doing it.
YTA
Your daughter told you she feels less loved. Did you acknowledge her feelings? Or did you just defend yourself and invalidate her? Your saying it is not so will not change the feelings deep inside her. These feelings spring from somewhere. How much quality time do you spend with her? What is happening that she doesn’t feel valued? Your spending on material things does not make up for not spending time with her, truly having deep conversations with her about her thoughts and feelings and hopes and dreams, just doing things that make her feel valued and cared for, not just someone to feed, clothe and house.
If you truly love your daughter you will have a deep talk to unearth her thoughts and feelings and work to make her feel truly valued.
Also, buying all that for your adult daughter! Why? And especially to buy her Uggs you said no to for your younger daughter is a slap in the face for her! You could have stopped at the laptop! What would your younger daughter think when she sees all those gifts and you told her you couldn’t get her Uggs? You are setting her up to hate her sister and eventually sever her relationship with you.
I agree with the BF that you should slim back on what you give your kids. I would have been grateful for just the new laptop if i were your older daughter. The younger daughter wanted uggs though and seeing her older sister get them yes that would create jealousy. I agree with your theory that kids who are still growing shouldn’t necessarily get the name brand clothes or shoes when they will grow out of them but i think you went big for their birthdays so it isn’t really an unreasonable expectation to your 9 yr old to think she should get the uggs too. Easiest way to not have this problem in the future is to slim down birthdays. Make sure you 9 year old is learning how blessed she is to get what she has rather than comparing items. All gifts were age appropriate and it is ok to tell her that too.
YTA.
LEGO, squishy stuff, and stuffy are a LOT less than a laptop, UGGs, necklace and fancy brand make up.
You should have stopped at the laptop and saved the rest for Easter OR used $ from extra items to male it even.
This is just vastly different.
The underlying issue is if your younger daughter genuinely seems to think you favour your eldest daughter more.
If so she needs to be sat down and talked to about why she can’t have certain things that your older daughter can but once she reached than certain age she can have the same things older daughter had.
Does she genuinely think this or is she trying to guilt you into buying her more gifts.
Also explain to her money doesn’t equal love.