I’m sorry for my bad English, I’m from Denmark.
I 29 M and my fiancé 30 F, a bit of background.
My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years, she knows everything about my past and she says she is totally fine by it.
Now we got that out of the way, onto the story.
My gf 29 F at the time and I 28 M where living together, she was pregnant 6-8 months at the time, we are living in a terraced house. Where we are having one of the worst upstairs neighbors a male in he’s 50s, complaining about everything. Literally everything, if we vacuuming, if we watching tv, are we having friends or family over and we are talking a bit to loud ( to he’s taste).
One day where the gf and I are watching TV, he comes down and knock on the door, I open up and he again complains about it been to loud, but this time he is more aggressive in he’s tons. I said okay, and closed the door and I was thinking what a joke he is. Well I come into the living room where my pregnant gf was very worried and crying said then said, she dosen’t feel safe or comfortable in our apartment, we talk a bit where I say to her, I don’t want her to feel unsafe or uncomfortable in our house, especially when she was pregnant with our first child. I tell her I will go upstairs and talk to our neighbor, I go upstairs and knock on the door, he opens up and immediately can I see he is mad. I start with saying that I’ve got a pregnant gf downstairs and we do not like the way he is trying to handle the complains about us, he first said that he dosen’t give a damn about us or that she is pregnant, I then tell him that my gf is feeling uncomfortable and unsafe in our apartment. He then yells at me, I said I don’t give a damn about you or you’re pregnant gf.
Then I got mad, I started to yell back and said if he comes down to us again I would call our landlord, we are yelling back and forth. I then decided to go back down. When I come down to my gf, I tell her what happend and she is very glad that I was there for her and I would protect her. We kiss and I think that would be it, but boy where was I wrong..
The next couple of days, he stamps in the ground, so oure ceiling would shake. He would yell at the floor so we can hear he’s voice, where he yell. my gf is getting more and more uncomfortable, I then call our apartment landlord or what it is called. He says that he will talk to our neighbor, since that day we did not hear anything anymore.
I proposed to my gf and she said yes, we got a beautiful daughter. Some months later she and then tells me that, she got very worried about she heard me angry, she is a bit worried about making me mad, because she got a bit scared of me.
Sorry for the long rant, but Reddit AITA for standing op for my fiancé?
NTA
Your gf is though. She thanked you for defending her and then waited MONTHS to confess you scared her with how angry you became? On the night she thanked you for defending her?
Yeah, STA (she’s the AHole)
NTA, your neighbor is definitely the AH though.
Congratulations on your baby, and hopefully your fiancé will come to recognize that your anger was justified in defending your family from an unreasonable asshole
You’re definitely NTA. You were protecting your pregnant fiancée from a hostile neighbor, and that’s exactly what you should do, neighbour in the other hand, is the ass
Nta. She probably never saw that side of you before. But she still said yes to marrying you so it wasnt a deal breaker.
NTA I think every woman who has seen me get angry at someone has been frightened by it. I just apologise and explain that some guys just don’t get your point leading you to express it with some emotion.
NTA for defending her, but you need to talk to your fiancee. Why was she scared of you? Why did she thank you for defending her and then months later retract it and say you scared her? Is she scared of you now?
You mentioned your past at the beginning of the post but don’t say what it was, do you have a violent history? Is your fiancee in any way valid in her fear? Do you get angry now and stomp around?
If she is still scared of you what would she like to do? Does she want to break up with you, or is she asking you to do something to change? What is your fiancee hoping to gain by saying this?
Your interaction with the neighbour seems perfectly fine to me so I don’t understand why on earth your fiancee is saying all this, especially after waiting months. Unless you’re not telling us a lot of important information then you need to talk to your fiancee and try to understand what the problem is.
I was very violent in the past, I did some things that I was not proud of, she knows a lot of the stories I’ve told her.
She still said it was fine, she said she accepted my past for “past is past”. She is not the most comfortable type, she would rather just say yes or “please” the other to avoid getting into more trouble.
I do not stomp around, but when I get angry or my emotions is high, I tend to speak to her about what makes me angry or what causes me to react in a snerten way. We are good at communicating, I’ve always been the one to say, we need to communicate to each other, for els she has a attent to say it way later ( weeks ).
I don’t think that she want to break up, but she said that she was happy, that I would protect her.
I don’t really know what she wants to gain for saying it, to be honest. But as I said earlier, I want her and I ofc to communicate and be honest to each other, no matter how hard or tough it might be.
NTA I would break it down like this; if a man tried to take the stroller holding your child away from her, what would she do? And should you then be concerned that she would do that to you? Of course not. What a person is willing or capable of doing in defense of their family is not an indicator of what they will do when they are simply angry. You were stepping up because an angry and erratic man was making your fiance feel unsafe and so was threatening both your fiance and your unborn child. This was not some little spat over who forgot to load the dishwasher after dinner or change a light bulb.
E* left off a ‘y’ of some rather high importance. Lol
Aside from her feelings about seeing your anger, a more constructive way to build a case against the neighbor is to log every issue, including using a decibel meter if necessary.
There are ways to show spine and protect your family without yelling. Work on developing those skills, and she’ll rebuild trust in you.
I did go around to other neighbors to hear if they had heard in us or the tv in any way, just to make sure we weren’t in the wrong. But no one had heard anything from us.
I try to work on communication, rather than just on the yelling tho when the other one is in my head I tend to lose my head, but that’s something I have to work on for sure.
Jefferson Fisher on YouTube has some good methods. He’s a bit superficial about some topics, but you might find something useful for your situation.
I’m confused. She was grateful and thanked you for standing up for her and protecting her the day it happened… but is afraid of you months later??
Congrats on your new baby.