This always happens, I just don’t understand how to deal with it. I get that she cares enough to try and fix whatever mistakes I pull and she wants to be the best I can be with what she knows, yet I’m always happier when I don’t follow her advice nowadays.
All my life I’ve been told how to feel, what to do, and who to be by her. Earlier, I was just venting to her about how I’ve been waiting a long time for my professional references (her friends) to fill out a form for me and she comes at me saying that I need to be patient and if they don’t it’s my fault for not being persistent enough. I understand if she doesn’t want to bug them, but I don’t either. But to bring up the fact that I can never be successful just because I lack in my professional references and also bring up all my life failures just because of one minor inconvenience was so annoying that I got so fed up and "talked back".
I’m 20 and I still feel like shit for standing up for myself. On one hand, I just respect my mom’s opinion because she is wiser than me, but on the other hand, I personally want to not feel guilty because I’m supposed to learn how to advocate for myself because no one will.
I’m sure this should be a normal experience, I love my mom but I’m not in the wrong to disagree, right…? I’m afraid disagreeing will bite me back later in life.
You need professional references who are not your mom’s friends.
It is not clear from what you wrote what your mom said exactly.
It sounds to me like you’re not mad at the advice as much as you’re mad at the hurtful remarks that come packaged with that advice.
Additionally, your professional network at 20 should consist of more people than just your mom’s friends.
Edit: forgot a verdict, NTA
NTA. As someone old enough to be your mom, I need to tell you: No one is entitled to dictate your decisions or feelings but you.
I suggest (sorry, you’ve had enough of that but I promise this one is good) you should not argue with her to convince her you are right. Instead, start thinking of it as withdrawing from her when she is inappropriate, and tell her that. You can’t make her respect you, but you can deny her access to abuse you.
My mother was like this with me for ages. I remember going to buy a car as an adult and I needed my parents to drive my older car home for me. She showed up and tried to get my dad to look at the contract to make sure it was okay. I was 28 and have a degree in business. I can read a contract and I understand the financing. I was shocked that she’d still say something like that to me. My dad was smart enough to shut her up (nicely).
Show her you aren’t listening, don’t tell her. She may ramp up the behavior when she sees what you’re doing, but hold the course and don’t be afraid of having some low contact periods. You’ll probably find your confidence growing when you don’t have crotchety cricket chirping in your ear about how terrible you are.
NTA. If your mom’s responses bug you, vent to someone else. Also, go network with other people (professors, classmates, manager at your job, etc)
NTA. Not always agreeing with your parents and doing your own thing is a normal part of growing up.
That doesn’t mean she’s wrong about your needing to be able to advocate for yourself, though.
Ah, to be young. Honest to God, I’m not trying to patronize you, but I absolutely remember that period in my life when I was becoming a full-fledged adult, but my parents were having trouble letting go of the idea that I was “their child”.
I could go “Reddit” on you and tell you that you should go NC with your mother and that you should go to war, but I actually think that this is one of your first tests as an adult. The test is that you have to put up with your mom’s BS while keeping your cool like a real adult does. And when I say you have to put up with it, I mean you have to put up with it for a long time.
Be patient and be steadfast. Hold to your opinion, your position and don’t let your mother trample all over it or push you off of it. Your mother’s respect will (hopefully) eventually follow. If it doesn’t, then you know that it’s time to start putting space between you two.
“The test is that you have to put up with your mom’s BS while keeping your cool like a real adult does” .. for the real adult perspective: this is bullshit. LEss contact with people like that is a GOOD boundary.
Sure. If you’re so easily willing to set a boundary that cuts your parents out of your life. Call me crazy, but I think the relationship between parent and daughter or son is worth fighting for.
If you seriously believe that the info we’ve been given is enough to tell OP that she should go LC or NC with her mother, then IMO you’re just another cliche Redditor that thinks people should go nuclear at the drop of a hat.
“Call me crazy, but I think the relationship between parent and daughter or son is worth fighting for.” … sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. That depends entirely on their willingness to respect that their kids are adults and make their own decisions.
And: sometimes fighting means getting a distance, so they can learn.
Going LC or NC for a time is NOT going nuclear, it is a valuable teaching experience for overbearing moms.
Sorry “Professor Emeritass” but advising OP to go LC or NC based on the little info we have, at this juncture, absolutely is going nuclear.
OP basically describes an overbearing mother. Not a horribly abusive mother, not a mother that turns a blind eye to SA, not a mother that neglected her child growing up. If everyone who had an overbearing parent went LC or NC, we’d have a world filled with people who don’t talk to their parents.
OP isn’t talking about a significant other, a best friend, or someone like that. She is talking about a parent. That’s a whoooole different ballgame. A ballgame you just don’t quit nearly so easily.
“we’d have a world filled with people who don’t talk to their parents.” .. probably a less stressful place for many.
“She is talking about a parent. That’s a whoooole different ballgame. ” .. yes: friends and SO’s you get to chose.
“A ballgame you just don’t quit nearly so easily.” .. you CAN, if you want to. They have the option to act more reasonable.
So: you are very invested in protecting overbearing parents. I wonder why.
Oh good Lord! My whole point is that the info OP gave us absolutely is NOT sufficient to justify cutting off her mother, YET. Good Lord, you “wonder why” things about me. I’m wondering what happened in your life that makes you so hell bent on dropping a nuke on this mother/daughter relationship before trying something like, I don’t know, family counseling? You know, something reasonable?
” On one hand, I just respect my mom’s opinion because she is wiser than me,” .. part of growing up is understanding this most often is bullshit.
Wiser people don’t nbeed to push their opininons on their kids, they have enough other people willingly listenting to them.
INFO are you wanting your mum to bug her friends on your behalf?