I found out this week that my dad booked flights for Christmas at mine. Without consulting me, without consulting my mum who’ll be flying with him. He booked flights to be at mine for Christmas from the 23rd to the 27th.
For context my parents live on another continent, my brother lives on the same continent as me, but in another country
Last year we spoke about spending our family Christmas at my place for 2026. The reason being that I’m not sure I’ll be able to get the time off work as I’ve had Christmas off the past two years and it would be unfair to my coworkers to do it again. We didn’t talk about it in depth at all, it was mostly just me mentioning that I might not be able to get Christmas off so i wanted to check how they felt about it. I’d spoken to my brother about this a while before this and he was somewhat hesitant at the time, my parents said it was worth considering but we can decide closer to the time as it’s still far off.
Apparently my dad changed his mind about that and just booked them without telling me.
Coming on the 23rd is crazy inconvenient, not only does it assume that I’ll be doing all of the prep for Christmas on my own (I’m 23 and I don’t have a car) but also I’ll be in the office that whole week and won’t be able to let them in to my apartment. These aren’t issues that can’t be solved, but if he had asked me if these flights were okay I would have said no. In fact I did because when he first sent these flights I thought he was only sending a proposal.
When he responded to my concerns saying that it would be expensive to change the flights now and that I shouldn’t worry as they’ll manage with the prep is when I realised he’d already booked them.
This man has hardly ever lifted a finger to help with Christmas food prep before. He usually gets the tree and that’s it, usually I have to force him to help just peel some vegetables. My mum is the one who does everything for Christmas, the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the planning, buying presents, wrapping them, etc. I help as well, but generally the majority falls onto my mum.
When he sent this message I responded saying ‘you’ve already booked the flights? I wish you would have told me’ and he went off about how he thought I’d be happy to have Christmas where I live and how clearly he was wrong about this and that he just wanted to get the best flights he could.
Given that I was the one who originally suggested having Christmas at mine I know it’s bullshit, he knows I know it’s bullshit, but he does this every time. He never takes accountability and he never acknowledges his mistakes.
If someone did this to him he would be furious.
I haven’t responded to his most recent message yet, but the way this is going I’ve already started a fight- my mum says I should just leave it as he’ll never change, but I don’t want to constantly have to deal with this type of shit from him. Am I the asshole? Should I just let it go?
NTA. You are allowed to be upset when someone makes major assumptions about your time and labor
NTA.
It’s very simple. Your apartment doesn’t have room for overnight guests. They need to book lodging.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who books travel without confirming the details in advance *with everyone involved* is automatically at fault.
NTA.
I don’t understand how or why this is an issue for you. He booked flights. Sounds like he’ll need to book accomodation too. At the very least you’ll be able to see each other on Christmas day but that doesn’t mean you have to host. You all agreed that you’d decide closer to the time who will be hosting and how. The only thing you seemed to agree in advance is that you wouldn’t be travelling.
I’m going to say NAH. It’s usually wise to book flights as far in advance as possible to get the cheapest fare and most airlines do January sales. I’d say this was a smart move. You shouldn’t be concerned. Just point out that you don’t know if you’ll be hosting yet and they may need accomodation. There’s really no problem here right now unless you create one.
NTA. Stand your ground. If you ‘reward’ the bad behavior with their preferred results they WILL NEVER CHANGE. Refuse to cooperate with this and let them feel/learn the consequences of their poor choices. I know it seems harsh, but it’s the ‘reasonable’ response to unreasonable behavior. Crush it now and you won’t keep doing this drama for the next twenty years.
If your dad can book a cross continental flight without talking to anyone he can also figure out his and your moms accommodations ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He bought tickets for 11 1/2 months from now?! Any time I’ve booked them more than a couple of months out the airline messes with the schedule anyway.
It sounds like you have plenty of time to find a restaurant open on Christmas and to make reservations for then.
NTA
NTA. Your dad sure is, though, and you likely knew that but haven’t actually acknowledged it.
They can come to your city all they want. Your place isn’t available to them to stay. That’s the decision you get to make. That’s your boundary to enforce. “I don’t host guests that I don’t invite, even relatives.”
If you’ve ever given them keys or codes to your place, change them now so you’re secure in your sanctuary.
You don’t have to engage with their conversation should you not want to. Don’t answer messages, don’t answer phone calls, don’t even answer the door. All those things are there for your convenience, not anyone’s demands.
Welcome to life with a manipulative parent. It sucks until you take control.
NTA for feeling how you do.
BUT were you planning on them arriving on 25th Dec, Christmas Day? From what I see, your parents can simply wait in the airport until it’s evening time and then arrive at your place on 23rd.
If your dad doesn’t like waiting at the airport, too bad. It’s on him for doing what he wants without consulting anyone else.
NTA, your old man is almost as passive aggressive as mine.