I’ve been friends with “Kelly” (fake name) for years, but I’m realising our friendship has always been one-sided.
Kelly trauma-dumps on me constantly. I’m always there for her, no matter what. But whenever I share something positive in my life (my homestead progress, gardening, animals) she ignores it or gives a one-word reply before switching the conversation back to herself.
I recently started a homestead Facebook page and TikTok. She said she’d support it, but even after I sent her the direct links and basically backed her into a corner, she never followed either page.
She also attacked me for wanting to become a registered, ethical cat breeder and made me feel bad about it. But now she wants to breed her crossbred dog, which isn’t even allowed under most associations, and suddenly expects me to support her decision enthusiastically. The double standard is huge.
The final straw came when I sent her a very gentle message saying I didn’t have the emotional capacity to chat that day because I’m dealing with extremely heavy DV-related stuff. I reassured her I cared and would reply later. She read it and ignored it completely.
It made me realise she only reaches out when she needs emotional help, never when I do.
I have stepped back quietly. No fight, no drama, just distance. But I do feel guilty because I know she struggles and needs support. I’m also anxious because she has a history of taking private messages from her friends and showing them to other people, twisting the story to make herself the victim. I’ve seen her do it to others, so I’m expecting she’ll do it to me too.
No you’re not the Ahole..
NTA.
If the only reason you stay friends is because she
> “has a history of taking private messages from her friends and showing them to other people, twisting the story to make herself the victim”
then even more reason that you should keep your distance and radio silence.
If you know she does this, then others do too.
But if they choose to believe her, then they’re also terrible friends.
Life is too short to spend it with people who make you miserable.
I honestly believe she’s in active crisis and I feel genuinely bad for abandoning her when she’s in crisis but I am drowning at the moment. I am currently dealing with resurfacing trauma in relation to my abusive ex now he’s finally possibly facing consequences for his ongoing abuse towards women.
It rubbed me wrong when she mentioned breeding her cross bred dog after she slammed me so brutally over starting my ethical ragdoll breeding but to be left on read when I took a breather from her emotional dumping hurt and opened my eyes to the fact I am not getting what I put in, which is a sucky feeling.
You cannot effectively help those who attack you. Nobody wins.
You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. If you don’t look after your own well-being, nobody else will.
This means backing away from Kelly. If she messages you, you have to ignore her, just as she ignores you when she doesn’t want to interact with you.
In that sense, she’s taking better care of herself than you are yourself.
NTA fall back, I’d go no contact HONESTLY (but that’s just me) the simple fact you were going through something yourself and let her know and she ignored you let me know….. she is a narcissist, most of her trauma probably is made up, she wants to be the center of attention, and she is a pick me. These kind of girls are not friends…. They are emotional users and drainers!!!
I’d go NC but falling back is good too! PROTECT YOUR PEACE!!!!
She’s emotional vampire. Takers never
stop taking, that’s why givers have to have limits. Time to drop the rope. Nta
NTA for protecting your space. Kelly sucks.
YTA for breeding cats. Adopt, don’t shop!
She’s an energy vampire. Some people are like this. It’s all about them and their emotional need. She will never, ever, ever change and will never appreciate you for the support.
Ditch her, move on. Life is too short.
NTA. She’s not really your friend even though you have been a far better friend than she deserves.
Ah the perpetual self centered victim. They will suck your soul out… you are 100% NTA and you deserve a better friend. I would definitely end that friendship. Just distance yourself if you don’t want to burn any bridges but don’t allow her to trauma dump anymore. Friendships are two sided.
NTA. Her need for support does not oblige you to provide that support, especially given that she does not reciprocate. Bravo for choosing quiet withdrawal over drama. I would never exchange PMs with someone I knew was likely to broadcast them, but that’s me. Careful what you text her.
Absolutely NTA. Do yourself a favor and look up vulnerable narcissists – she sounds textbook. Don’t give her the emotion or fuel she needs to spin her narrative as a perpetual victim, either. In the words of George Bernard Shaw, “Never wrestle with a pig; you get dirty and the pig likes it.”
NTA, I’ve been pulling back from my friends who have done the exact same thing.