I 24 years old grew up in a family where favors came with strings. Nothing dramatic just constant reminders of who owed whom. When I finally moved out, I made a quiet promise to myself that I’d help people when I genuinely could, but I wouldn’t undo my own stability to rescue others from problems they created.
A few weeks ago, a former roommate reached out. We hadn’t spoken in years, but we’d lived together during a rough patch for both of us. They’re now between jobs and asked if they could stay with me for a little while. I live alone in a small place I worked hard to afford. I also work from home, and my lease has strict guest rules.
I didn’t immediately say no. I asked questions timeline, job prospects, expectations. Their answers were vague. When I mentioned my lease and work situation, they brushed it off and said I was overthinking it and that I owed them because they once covered my share of groceries when I was short on cash years ago. I paid them back within a month at the time, but they said that wasn’t the point.
I sat with it for a day and then told them I couldn’t host them, but I could help in other ways I sent links to short term housing resources, offered to review their resume, and even sent a small amount of money to help with a motel for a night. They got angry and said I’d changed, that I was choosing comfort over compassion, and that if the roles were reversed, they’d never turn me away.
Now a few mutual acquaintances have weighed in. Some say I did what I could without harming myself. Others say refusing someone a couch when you technically have space is cold, especially given our history.
I keep replaying it because I did have room on paper but not without breaking my lease, risking my job, and reopening patterns I promised myself I’d leave behind. AITA for holding that boundary anyway?
Definitely NTA. This person has already tried to manipulate you with the grocery bit nevermind you paid it back. If some person I haven’t talked to in years called asking me that, and my position was the same as yours (lots of risks, etc) my answer would be no also. People grow. They change. Priorities change. If this person was your best friend that you talked to regularly, etc I’d have a different answer.
You don’t owe that person anything. You owe YOURSELF to continue to live with peace and no bullshit.
Thanks dear 🙂
NTA – you would be potentially sacrificing your safety (lease and financial). Who is going to help you if an eviction happens or you suddenly can afford to support two people? You were kind to still offer support.
NTA…do you know why this old roommate has suddenly reached out to you? Because they have taken advantage of and burnt bridges with everyone else in their life. You have done what you can to help them. Protect yourself and your peace. No is the correct answer.
Nta. Their reaction tells you everything you need to know. I’m pretty sure they are the type to tell you that they are going to stay for a couple of days and then a couple of months and then they don’t want to leave
NTA – you have no obligation to undo the work you’ve put into your own stability for someone else
Additionally- once that couch surfer has stretched those few days out to a few weeks or months… well then you have a squatter and a whole different kind of problem!
Because of your history with, and knowledge of their current situation you helped how you could – that should be enough and if they are a true friend of yours they would understand
NTA, full stop. Keep being true to YOU.
I’m proud of you, OP. Definitely NTA.
NTA – you would have been mad in my opinion to do otherwise. Someone you no longer really know asked you for a massive favour that would inconvenience you greatly and where they wouldn’t offer anything but vague promises. Then when you say no, they try and emotional blackmail to guilt you into it. It is easy to say what you would do if you know you’ll never be in the position to deliver.
There is a big difference between paying for groceries and letting someone stay for free with you and potentially acquire legal rights that cost you a lot to remove them and where you risk being evicted too. You paid for their motel – that is the grocery debt repaid.
NTA. You have developed healthy boundaries. This person has no plans to respect them and would end up being a forever guest. Tell those weighing in on the matter that they are very kind to offer their couches.
NTA. File this under ‘Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’.
nta. the whole ‘you owe me groceries from five years ago’ thing is such a classic move when someone wants to guilt you into something massive. like they’re conveniently forgetting you paid them back and now they want to collect interest on basic human decency, which isnt how that works. you offered real help within your actual limits and that should count for something.
You don’t have space. End of story. Generous of you to try to help in other ways.
NTA
NTA – if those mutual acquaintances have opinions, then they can offer to host.
Honestly, the kind of person who reaches out to someone they havent spoken to in years to request they live with them – this is exactly the type of person you should not allow in your house.
Best case scenario they massively overstay their welcome.
Worst, they are an addict (choose your poison) and you come home one day to a house thats been emptied and theyve moved on to their next “friend” they havent spoken to in years.
I understand that absolutely anyone can fall on hard times – that still doesnt make it your responsibility