I (26F) live with my boyfriend and his siblings and have been living with them for about a year. Recently his older sister and her partner told him that they feel like they “can’t get a grasp on me” and that they still don’t really know me even though it’s already been a year. They say I don’t socialize enough, that I cut conversations short, and that I don’t connect with them.
The thing is, I do try. When they’re doing something I’ll comment on it to try to start small talk, ask questions about what they’re watching or playing, and join them when they watch movies or play games. I even researched and bought some games myself so I could invite them to try them. Sometimes I also bring food to share.
But when I try to start small talk, they often end the conversation pretty quickly themselves, which feels ironic considering what they’re saying about me.
They’ve also compared me to other partners in the family who apparently bonded with them faster which for me was unfair to me because we’re all different people.
Another thing that came up before is that the older sister’s partner told me she felt upset because she was worried I was “stealing” her role in the family since I’m the new person. She noticed my boyfriend talks to me more and asks me more questions when I’m around. From my perspective that just seems normal since we’re partners.
They also say my boyfriend’s “awareness has gone down” when he’s with me because we’re often in our own bubble, but he still talks with them a lot, especially when I’m at work during the day.
They like to drink when they hang out and I don’t really drink, but I’ve even tried drinking with them before just to participate even though I’m not comfortable with it. I also deal with anxiety but still push myself to talk and engage with them.
For context, I grew up in a very strict household where mistakes often meant getting shouted at or punished, so I learned to be quiet and careful about what I say. Starting conversations has always been difficult for me and it’s something I’m still working on.
I really do want to get along with them, but sometimes it feels like no matter what I do it’s still not enough.
So AITA for not bonding with them the way they expect even though I’m trying?
Get your own place, they aren’t going to bond with you. Try for simple politeness and do it from a distance.
NAH since your behavior seems fine and that’s all you’re responsible for. Sometimes people just don’t click with each other and that’s completely fine as long as it is cordial
A Relationship with her isn’t necessary. It has been a year. Move out . Your boyfriend can follow YOU to a space of your own instead.
Even if it’s a small place or just a room having your own space not filled with his relatives will be refreshing.
Oh, my. You sound like you’re wired a lot like I am, so I understand where you’re coming from. People who are quiet, shy, or introverted are sometimes regarded as aloof or “stuck up,”
But when you mentioned the drinking, my antenna went up. I ran into similar situations with my ex-husband’s family. Drinking was how they socialized. If you didn’t drink with them, then you must think you were better than they were. Most were literally alcoholics. Paranoia, cirrhosis of the liver, etc. Not saying yr boyfriend’s family is like that, but it may play a part.
My guess is, you’re being judged by those standards: definitely for being a quieter person, and quite possibly for not wanting to drink like they do. Plus you aren’t family.
I don’t have a good answer, but I’d suggest you continue to be kind and reach out appropriately. BUT don’t make yourself drink just to fit into their world. You sound like a lovely person. Work on just being yourself and don’t worry about meeting their silly standards; if they want to complain, it says more about them than you. I hope your BF has your back and isn’t implying you’re at fault.
I’m going with NTA
You don’t need to bond with them but just be respectful around each other.
I have a similar relationship with my boyfriend’s mom. She won’t really ask me questions (ie if I like something) but will ask him. We haven’t bonded but we have a somewhat decent relationship where we get along.
You are in a relationship with your partner – not his siblings. It doesn’t matter whether or not she can “get a grasp” on you or not. That should have absolutely 0 effect on your relationship with your boyfriend.
It sounds like she’s trying to drive a wedge between you two because she’s jealous that he’s giving you more attention. Which he should, because he’s an adult and you’re his partner. Was she planning on living with him for the rest of both of their lives? Of course she’s going to take a back seat to someone eventually. A good sibling would HOPE for that!
My partner and his brother grew up very close. His brother and I do not always get along (it’s mostly cordial, but we did get into a very heated argument once). My relationship with my partner’s brother does not affect his relationship with his brother, nor my relationship with my partner.
I would very much suggest you two moving into a place of your own (or with non-related roommates) if at all possible.
Just be yourself because you have every right to be. You can’t change their opinion so move on.
what a nightmare …NTA…they live with you…some people just don’t click. get your own place, OP…your sanity isn’t worth this…you should get to come home and rest and relax and not have to bond with people who you don’t click with…that you didn’t give birth to, that you don’t owe anything to save politeness and basic respect….ugh….you’re nicer than I am…by far. if your bf were worth it, he wouldn’t tolerate them going to him behind your back to complain about you. give him a chance to prioritize you and if he wont, then at least you know…and if you stay, you’re looking at this cycle having no real end in sight. you deserve a home that is restful for you…i’m assuming that you’re paying part of the bills etc…that is YOUR home…and even if you agreed to let them come and stay with you, well, sometimes things just don’t work out and that’s when you sit down and renegotiate a commitment because you deserve your own restful home. and so do they, and if they find your company not to their liking, they can go find a place that is more conducie to what they enjoy.
NTA, have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this? As I can be very antisocial and sometimes people do misinterpret that as being rude and once they understand that it’s not me being off with them, they don’t feel as offended.
Next time they say they don’t really know you, say, I can see that I’m reserved at times so what is it you wanna know?
Also the comparing to ex partners, that’s such a cheap shot, and the fact she’s saying she feels like you’re stealing her role and his attention isn’t on her, is why she’s concerned she can’t suss you out, as his ex she wasn’t threatened by.
Is there a reason all the family live together as adults?