Hi, everyone. I need to outsider perspective here.
I (21f) decided to stop being supported by my family and follow my own path. Some things that are important to know is I had made it to third year (civil engineering), my dad pays for the tuition, dorm, and food costs with the agreement that I would pay him back 10% of my salary once I graduated and got a job.
What happened was, four months ago, on a Saturday, I was going to the movies with a close friend. He called and I didn’t notice his calls. When I did several hours later, I tried calling him back. He blocked me. I called my stepmom and asked what was going on and my dad started yelling, cussing and threatening to not give my any money and stop paying my tuition. I said alright and hung up.
One month after, he called me and said he’d still pay tuition but I would have to get a job to pay for everything else. I agreed.
I worked for two months, burned myself out a lot because civil engineering isn’t easy and neither is making money. But I was making good money so I didn’t care too much. Then my dad called and started saying things like I had to study hard, get the best grades, blah blah… I was a scholarship student but I just couldn’t take it anymore.
It wasn’t the first time he went ballistic over me not answering calls. According to him, I had to answer calls immediately no exceptions – yes, even when I was in class.
So I decided to move out of the dorms, switch majors, universities, EVERYTHING. The money came out of my paycheck and I’m doing completely fine.
The thing is, I didn’t tell either of my parents. When they got the news from my previous uni, they went crazy, especially my bio mom who I do not get along with. She doesn’t pay for anything and she isn’t a supportive person in general. She showed up at one of my prof’s offices and started bawling her eyes out. I won’t lie, I was embarrassed by what she did.
I haven’t finished all the exmatriculation paperwork yet. Two weeks ago, that same prof called me in and basically pleaded with me to change my mind, that I had a promising future and he thought I should finish my degree. But I told him that my freedom was more important than a degree and I was making enough money to support myself while I pursued another degree.
Like anyone could guess, my father was livid but he tried to play it off. I explained the situation to my stepmom and had her tell him, he said he would let me do whatever I wanted. Last week, he gave me money and said it was "to make up for the months he missed". He was just trying to bribe me into going back. I took that money, paid 2 months of rent with it and I haven’t spoken to him since.
My parents are ultra conservative strict Asian parents. Throughout the years they’ve been physically, emotionally and financially abusive so I don’t feel sorry about what I did and how I handled it. But I still might be an asshole about it. Please give me your honest opinions.
I’m sorry for the typos!
NTA. But, don’t penalize yourself to get back at them. Other than that, stay strong, you have this!
I applaud you for taking your own path.
What degree did you switch to?
For your parents it’s a FAFO moment. They pushed you too far and can blame themselves for your escape.
Go forth and continue to be great on your terms.
I switched to Health Science, still a bachelor degree but my projected income won’t be as high as a civil engineering. Still, I think it’ll be worth it. At least I’d be helping people.
Was civil engineering your choice initially? If it’s something you wanted to do, don’t let it become tainted by the association with your father and his bullying.
NTA. This is similar to an animal that chews is paw off to escape a trap, except that you have emerged intact and free. Enjoy your life on your own terms.
NTA,
I come from an immigrant family myself. In my culture women aren’t supposed to move out until they’re married.
I moved out! 😅
They tried to dangle money over my head. Expensive name brand dresses and purses and all that stupid crap that doesn’t matter.
Living on my own and supporting myself was hard. **However, it was nowhere near as hard as living under that house and their rules was.**
Freedom is always worth the price.
Yeah, your life is going to be harder in some ways having to support yourself through school. But your mental health is going to be so much better.
I cut my parents off for 2 years! We now have a somewhat normal relationship and they respect my decisions because they have no choice! They know I will cut them off at the drop of a hat if they try to cross my boundaries anymore.
So good for you. Do what’s best for you.
How does it feel to have the weight off your shoulders? NTA you’re an adult.
It feels like I’m living life with a newly grown backbone; amazing!
NTA You did what waas right for you
NTA my late wife became a lawyer with the same type if father. Was miserable the rest if her life.
Absolutely NTA. You’re paying for your tuition, you didn’t take any money from them, and you’re just an adult trying to be free from abuse… sounds like you made an excellent decision for yourself. I wish you luck.
NTA, but it appears to me that you are very much thinking very short term and I’d worry about you too. I’m curious about the major change, but mostly worried about your focus on your current job. Is it something that you can see yourself doing long term, or is it just something to pay bills? And did you change majors to something you can see your self doing long term, or just something easier so you could work?
I’m confused. Is the new school cheaper? Otherwise it’ll end up costing you more because not all your credits will transfer. And I’m guessing g you’ll lose your scholarship so you won’t have that or your dad paying. I guess I dont see how this would burn you out less if the issue is money. If the issue is just engineering, you could switch majors at your current school because then you wont lose out transferring credits