So I (22) live recently with two of my friends who are in a relationship Anna and Rob. Anna is a great friend but has the tendency to emotionally vent (which include loudly yelling and hitting/ throwing things as recently) whenever it is just us two. She for almost a year heavily vented to me about her partner Rob. She described him as a horrible person saying how she needed to break up and leave as soon as she can. They would have frequent arguments, for some periods daily. Then it would be a cycle of them being really bad and Anna would come to me constantly sometimes several hours everyday for weeks on end under the guise of just hanging out. Then they would get better for a short time and she would abruptly stop hanging out with me until it got bad again and then she would. I felt kind of used by her as this is a constant cycle with her.
It seemed like she only wanted to hang out with me when her mental health was bad. My mental health has spiraled to drinking and other self destructive things to cope with my only contact of communication being venting. I have been having daily panic attacks from it.
So fast forward to a couple days ago when Anna and I are in the car and she starts venting again about her partner and how she needs to leave him. I asked her if the only value i had to her was her venting to me because it felt like it. I told her that I would be down to hang out and do anything else but I am not feeling emotionally stable enough for her to vent to right now. maybe later though. She then proceeds to immediately turn the car around and wheel back home. Saying that’s she hurt. she never denied it and refused to hang out with me unless she vented cutting the hangout abruptly.
I get upset when I get home and call my friend (Gabriel) and I decide to tell her partner what she has been saying about him in hopes that the two could talk it out since I remember him being reasonable to find a solution. We Find out that she does the vent thing at both of us to the deficit of our mental health. Hopping between both of us.
Rob decides to talk to her. They have a long phone call and in the end they work things out. However, Anna is now very upset that I talked to someone else about her venting and plans to break up with him (which he already knew about). Anna has also done a 180 in her personality becoming very upbeat with rob when previously they were not like that at all. Their relationship with each other is now super strong and they are happy which I am glad that they are. I want to see them happy.
Anna refuses to talk to me outside of work transit (which she lost today). I have tried to have a conversation with her. She lives with me but I don’t want to confront her in her own house and risk making her uncomfortable and making it worse. I want to make amends if i am able. I will give her as much space as i can for the time being so she doesn’t feel pressured.
NTA if Anna is allowed to talk about Rob to you, which if done healthily would be in moderation and to help her communicate with him better, then you can talk about her to someone else. You need emotional support as much as she does, she can’t treat you like some black hole she can go shout into and dump as much as she wants with no consequence to you.
You need to focus more on your mental health. It sounds like you need to work towards getting a new place and spending time with people other than Anna. I’ve been there and it makes a big difference.
You and Anna are in an abusive relationship. This:
>*I asked her if the only value i had to her was her venting to me because it felt like it. I told her that I would be down to hang out and do anything else but I am not feeling emotionally stable enough for her to vent to right now.*
…was exactly the right thing to do. She, of course, handled it as usual (badly). Distancing yourself from her and rupturing her manipulative little loop of abusing her “friends” was appropriate. You are NTA. Now stay away from her and stop drinking.
ESH; she sucks for the constant venting (I know how that can be)
But you suck for getting in the middle of her relationship which is absolutely none of your business. The correct thing to do is to tell her what bothers you and if she doesn’t correct it, you do not HAVE to remain friends.
NTA. you seriously need to reconsider your friendship with Anna.
NTA, and Anna sounds utterly exhausting. Can you move out?
Anna is The AH. If she can vent to a friend, so can you. Just give her space and let her be happy. She won’t come to you unless she has problems so if you talk things out, she still wouldn’t hang out unless she needs you. Just let time do its thing.
You told Rob that she’s been talking shit about him!? 😬
YTA for having no personal boundaries. People will use and treat you how you let them, you’ve let this slide for way too long
When you sit there spilling her guts to her SO, that makes YTA. Even if things got better between them, it wasn’t yours to share.