I (38f) told my boyfriend (33m) it’s best to not spend the holiday together due to the lack of inclusion he and his family have for me and my children.
My bf and I have been together for over 2 years and we live together. I have 3 kids (oldest 14 and youngest 5) and they all have a great relationship with my bf. I was single for over 2 years before I met my now bf and always thought to myself if I were to date again it would be best to date someone who has children so they just get it. They would get why I’m not always free, they would get why some days I’m just exhausted, they would just get it’s not just me but that I am a package deal.
My bf has been mostly understanding of this and I even tell him often, if it’s too much that I get it if he wants out. I expect no man to have to step up as a father figure if they didn’t want too. (I hope that makes sense) my bf has no kids and neither do his siblings so their family events are just the 5 of them always. Him, his twin, younger brother, mom and dad. I however, come from a rather large family so a small family gathering isn’t what I’m used too. My bf always attends my family gatherings and he has finally gotten used to a bigger crowd.
When my bf family has their get togethers, my kids and I aren’t invited. This has made me feel as though he is embarrassed of me and what I come with. I often ask when his family can finally meet my boys and he always tells me “they’re all so busy but I’ll ask them again.” It’s been 2 years. To me this is a huge red flag, correct me if I’m wrong.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow and he hasn’t brought up anything about the day with his family but he knows what my family is doing since it was discussed in front of him over the weekend at my nieces birthday dinner. So, last night I asked him what the plan was since it’s days away and I wanted to know if we were all going to go so I can bring a dish or something to his family’s since I don’t want to show up empty handed. He said he was going to go there in the day and asked what time my family dinner started. I asked if we were all going and he stared at me.
This triggered me and told him not to worry about my family holiday (I know it was prolly petty but I was hurt). I asked him if he’s embarrassed of us and he denied it. His family knows me, i have met them several times..but my kids haven’t met them all.
He got a little defensive and I told him my feelings. It’s awkward between us and now I’m wondering if he is the one for me..I want someone to be proud and excited of who they are with and things like this make me feel other. I’m sad.
So Reddit, AITA for telling him not to worry about my family function this holiday? Did I overreact? I’m not trying to be petty. I am hurt though
NTA you aren’t overreacting. You’re calling it like it’s happening.
I feel like your bf is part of one of those weird (imo) insular “families of origin” who think it’s perfectly normal to carry on as it was when the kids were minors. But it’s not. You are NTA but I think it’s probably time for a Giant conversation.
My family was like this. I had to push to get my fiancé invited to Christmas. I was told, “It’s always just been family” but I told them he was my family now and they did end up caving.
YTA for moving in with a guy who’s afraid to let his family meet your kids for two years.
I agree with this, ESPECIALLY since OP clearly knows it was a red flag, yet continues on with the relationship (meaning her kids get more and more used to her boyfriend – the breakup will be hard on them).
slighty harsh but Frosty isn’t wrong. dude needs to move out and be demoted to fwb at best. no cohabitation. your kids, even the 5 year old, are wise enough to observe the disconnect. go back to your first idea: dating someone with kids.
I’m sorry yet kind of glad this is happening so you can cut ties now and not a) continue to invest and b) model this exclusionary behavior. The kids see it all, no words needed.
You’re harsh but right. OP maybe didn’t know at the time, but yes the guy is ashamed of the fact that he’s with a woman who has kids.
As a woman nearing the end of her childbearing years with a man who is in the middle of his… are you planning on having a kid with him? If no, expect that this relationship has an expiration date sooner rather than later. He’s with you to take care of him while he shops for his wife. That’s why he won’t introduce you. If he’s “child free” then it still goes back to the embarrassment thing.
NTA. Two years and you live together. If I were his mother, I’d be asking him why you and the kids never come. I’m curious if they invite you and he doesn’t pass it on, or if they are the ones not welcoming you and your kids.
NTA. It’s very strange that his family hasn’t invited your kids to any family gatherings. You’re a package deal, if his family doesn’t understand it and ur BF isn’t making that clear. Huge red flags 🚩.
NTA. You are simply not considered part of his family, and he doesn’t care. So be it. He can do holidays with his family and you with yours. If he makes an effort in the future, you can both adapt.
NTA.
You really need to have a conversation with your boyfriend and find out who/why after two years together you and your children aren’t invited to his family’s events. Is it them? Him? Both?
Get to the bottom of it so you can make an informed decision how to proceed in this relationship.
NTA. Frankly it sounds like not even you were invited because of the the way you said he just stared at you and you have no idea of what the plans were all along. For him to then proceeded to ask what time your family thing starts it does seem presumptuous that he’s assuming he’s included in your gathering when you are deliberately excluded from his.
It’s been this long and these people haven’t even met your kids? It sounds like you all live reasonably local if he’s thinking he can get to their house and your family’s house all in one day.
I think it’s time to take a real hard look here
NTA
You did NOT overreact.
This will NOT get better ever.
NTA. Red flag on his end tho. You’ve been together for two years and his family hasn’t met your children. So the fact they haven’t met his family signals that he doesn’t see anything long term with you (ouch). He can’t use the excuse of that he didn’t know because he’s asking about holidays with your family.
He might say he’s okay with your kids but maybe his actions say otherwise.