I (18F) am autistic I have a little cousin (10M) who’s autistic. He’s not yet diagnosed but everyone knows he’s autistic. The only reason he’s not diagnosed is because his mother (my uncles ex) is really against the idea of autism thinks it’ll be shameful if he’s diagnosed. Despite teachers/doctors from age 4 telling her to get him diagnosed.
I am not as low social needs as him. He was mostly mute until age 7 only talking to his parents,one of his grandparents,his brothers and me. Other than that he wouldn’t talk at all.
He wasn’t told until his older brother told him out of anger recently he’s the r word because he’s autistic and when my cousin said he’s not autistic his brother said he is and his mums to disappointed to face it.
He asked his mum if this was true and she said no. But when he went to his dad’s he said it’s true and that he will talk to his mother about getting him tested. His mother still said no. My uncle followed her wishes.
My cousin called me told me he’s autistic. Told him I am too. He was shocked he said I’m so normal I said he’s so normal too. It’s ok to be himself normal or not normal. He’s got a big personality he’d be so boring without the autism because he’d be like every other bratty 10 year old. He giggled. I didn’t realise his mother was in the room though. She asked him who he was talking to. He said me.
She requested me on Facebook. I accepted and she messaged me on there saying what I said to my cousin was inappropriate. I asked what she means and she elaborated saying that me telling him to be himself and he’d be boring without the autism and being normal is boring is basically telling him it’s ok to be socially stunted. And he doesn’t need to get better. And I’ve always encouraged him to be like this since he was young by saying about how it’s ok if he doesn’t want to talk to me.
I said he’s developed a lot in the last few years he’s started talking and has a few good friends and is playing football in a kids football group which years ago would’ve been impossible for him. And I said him still being himself doesn’t need to mean he won’t develop and he is developing just at a slower rate that others. And I just said about him not talking to me because I didn’t want him to feel pressured to talk to me if he didn’t want to because he was a shy kid so I didn’t want to stress him out.
She then told me she knows I’m “one of those” but I don’t need to encourage him to be like me. I told her that I didn’t really think it was a big deal or it would be a problem with her I was just trying to be a safe space for him because we are both autistic and he and I are close so I wanted to give him some big cousin advice as a fellow autistic since he came to me saying he was autistic. I didn’t mean to push any boundaries with her I know this is difficult on her.
Was I really in the wrong in this situation? Should I have just stayed neutral about his autism or something?
NTA. As someone who wasn’t told I was autistic until I was like 17-18, that poor kid’s mother is setting him up for a life of bullying and mental health issues. Being told that his autism traits aren’t autism and that it’s just him will be bound to eventually make him feel like he somehow broken or less than.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 55. Looking back at all the bullying, abuse, and trauma is really hard. Who would I be if it was okay to be my normal and not everyone else’s? What if I wasn’t as good at masking as I am? And a lot of the bullying, abuse, and trauma came from my own family.
OP, NTA. He needs support in understanding and navigating the world. He’s a wonderful person as he is, and so are you.
NTA. His mother on the other hand is awful
NTA. Keep being the great cousin that you are.
NTA, with a mother like that your cousin will need the support
NTA
poor kid growing up with a mother like that. keep telling him what you told him
NTA, you gave him sound advice based on your own experiences with autism.
Your aunt sounds vile though… he’s going to struggle as he grows up if he doesn’t get a good support network.
NTA your cousin needs someone who understands him and is supportive of him. It’s a shame his mother won’t face reality and support her child.
NTA your Aunt sounds exhausting and SHE is stunting her child, not his (un)diagnosed condition
WOW! so you are absolutely NTA! So the problem I think you are finding here is that one of the parents is Autistic and doesn’t want to admit it themselves – I mean it doesn’t spontaneously appear from nowhere. And it is probably that, that you are pushing against here.
But I do worry for hm because if they are behaving this way then that does and will affect him! and that could really damage his mental health.
Good on you for being proud of yourself and accepting yourself for who you are, the world needs more of you, 💖 Keep being there for hm no matter what happens.
Proud of you for this, and you should be proud of yourself too. Please keep being as kind and empathetic as you already are,
He is going to need you even if his Mom doesn’t think so.
“Don’t be ashamed of your autism. It makes you unique!”
“how DARE you try encourage my son to be a FREAK like YOU”
NTA, your aunt sounds terrible
NTA-You just became his “safe space”💕🥰
From my experience, you did an amazing thing, and your cousin is going to remember that conversation for the rest of his life. He really is in a bad place right now if he’s being bullied by peers, and his parents aren’t getting him the support he needs.
I know you don’t want to get in trouble with his mom, but think it will benefit him as he gets older to have somebody like you in his corner. I know he’s a lot younger than you but consider being his friend. He needs one.
NTA his mother is being medically neglectful and ableist. I’m sorry he’s being raised by a mother who hates who he naturally is, and a father who doesn’t have the spine to stand up to her 😔