My (27F) best friend (Lucy 27F) and I live in different countries and have had regular long catchup calls for years. Since she started dating (3 years ago), her boyfriend has become a permanent presence in our calls. At first it was occasional, which was fine. But now it’s the default. Lucy often doesn’t tell me he’s going to be there, and I’ll find out when I join the video call or later that I was on speaker and he was in the room.
The first time I "met" him was without warning. Lucy brought him into a video call when I was in PJs and had just had a big fight with my family (they’re abusive – long story). She knew I planned to talk about it during this call. I ended up venting in front of him anyway cuz I was an emotional wreck. Lucy thought it was a great bonding moment until I told her it wasn’t. After that I asked for separate calls sometimes. She agreed and while she’ll always have a private conversation if I ask, he’s around most of the time by default. The private calls are reserved for when we’re having a rough time usually, not day-to-day girl stuff.
Over the past year, their relationship has been pretty rocky. Almost every call between me and Lucy have been 1 on 1 because she’s crying about their fights (mostly about why he hasn’t proposed yet) to me. Because of this my perception of him isn’t great – still i usually encourage her to talk directly to him about her feelings. She also openly says that she looks for me in her fiance and gets upset when he doesn’t respond like I do which contributes to their blowups. I’ve told her this isn’t healthy and she also acknowledges it.
At one point her boyfriend told me he felt pressured to propose because he didn’t want them to break up. I ended up telling Lucy this because I wanted her to understand the pressure she was putting which led to a huge argument between us. She became super focused on whether I "approved" of him and said it was important that he and I have a good relationship. I told her that I love her and support her but he is not my friend – he’s her partner and that my relationship is with her. She was really upset by this.
They got engaged a little after this and now we’re back to the default joint-call routine as if nothing has happened. I had a talk with Lucy again and told her that after everything that happened I’d like to keep my personal stuff separate from him. She was upset again because I was "making her choose between us" or that "I was asking her to keep secrets from him". I do;t think that’s what I was saying at all. Finally we reached a tentative agreement that we would do our calls without him from now on when we could. But in our most recent call, I realised halfway through that he’d been in the room the whole time again while I was on speaker phone.
I feel really upset. But Lucy’s reaction and inability to follow through is also really unlike her, so I’m not sure anymore. We’ve not had issues like this before. WIBTA if I brought this up again?
NTA stop sharing things with her or maybe go LC or NC for sometime
NTA. Lucy is unable to recognize herself as a separate individual outside of her relationship. Doesn’t sound like he is the one pushing for inclusion in your friendship with Lucy. You can tell her, but I don’t think she will get it.
No, she is very immature and still in the idea that her and her fiancé are soulmates who need to share eveything. She can’t have an healthy relationship with such mindset with him or OP. Not sharing with him what OP tells her is not keeping secrets except if these things are about him or his close ones.
She’s not respecting your wishes over and over, she is making that choice. You are right in that you are friends with her, not him. Some people do want to share everything with their partner, but if you’re not comfortable with that, that’s valid. Her not respecting that says a lot. I am so sorry, I hope you can find other people to talk with about private stuff, because she’s not your safe space for personal things. Maybe you can still talk to her (others might suggest you cut ties), but apparently not on very personal things. If she feels sad that you stop sharing private things, that’s on her. Maybe a question to you: Why did you continue sharing personal stuff, even though you knew he might be present or that she would share it with him?
NTA It is really strange that she needs him involved in conversations. I completely understand her wanting you to like him and to approve of the relationship, you’re her friend and your opinion matters. It sounds to me like she feels very insecure in the relationship and by involving him in yours she can somehow extend your closeness into her relationship with him. It’s very worrying that they’re engaged when it seems it isn’t something he wanted. But I’m guessing she also really wanted the security of an engagement which I understand if marriage etc is important to her. It’s an enormous mistake though if he doesn’t really want it. I don’t know what advice to give you other than to keep asking for private time in conversations, maybe check at the outset of your conversation whether it’s just you two and keep it short if not. Reassure her that you like him – if that’s the case! – but that it’s normal that you wouldn’t be close with him. Good luck with it!
NTA, she’s consistently shown that she doesn’t respect your wishes in regards to having 1 on 1 chats. And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s telling him everything even if you do have 1 on 1 chats. At my age 22F this is something I’ve cut people off for, please stand up for yourself, and stand your ground.
I agree OP. Lucy didn’t tell you he was in the room while you were on speaker phone, but she probably tells him everything you say 1:1 “in confidence” anyway. Unfortunately she can’t be trusted anymore as a friend and her relationships with you and him are not healthy.
NTA, my bestie does the same thing. My technique has been to just accept that things are different now and to bite my tongue about it. I just go into it expecting our video calls will involve him seeing and hearing me. I’ve slowly created a little bit more space between us which she hasn’t seemed to notice much anyway. He’s never going to be my friend but the drama of pointing that out isn’t worth it. You can still be besties and still grow apart to a slightly healthier distance.
NTA but even if these conversations are private, you have to know she will report back to him regardless. Sounds like the friendship has reached its breaking point imo.
NTA – when she was having a hard time about not being engaged yet, she was able to make those calls with you private, so it is not a space issue. She is choosing to not make your calls private when it is your request, which shows she is not respecting your wishes. You may need to ask her to talk only at times he is at work or give some space to the relationship with her and use that space to develop new friendships where you came talk about your personal issues in private.
This may be a really stupid question, but is there any chance she has a crush on you? The whole looking for you in him thing. Wanting you and him to be closer. Etc.
Is he controlling and forcing her to allow him to listen? Is he maybe saying she can’t be friends with anyone if she doesn’t tell him everything and she is going along with it?
Whether this is her idea or his, I would not want him knowing all my business and I would stop telling her things. Might be time to develop a new friendship with someone else.