Now I know what it sounds like let me give you some back knowledge I (24f) got into a dispute with my boyfriend (32m) telling him he isn’t helpful.
I’m not making this post to be judged by the dynamic of my relationship. I work full time, he doesn’t but usually he takes care of the house. Well we moved kinda all of a sudden with no plan really and have been trying to find a place (in the st Louis area if anyone knows any private landlords who aren’t charging out the ass) now I’ve looked at over 30 houses, I’ve maintained the hotel fees. He’s stressed (we both are) because we haven’t moved yet.. but instead of working with me. He puts everything on me and blames me when it doesn’t happen fast enough or when he wants it to.
I told him he isn’t supportive and doesn’t help by taking his frustration out on me… Now I’m feeling like the asshole because usually it’s us against the world and lately it feels like we’re against each other
Nta. Sounds like it’s you against the world and dragging his lazy bum on top of it.
\>I’m not making this post to be judged by the dynamic of my relationship.
Oh well.
\>usually it’s us against the world
Is this because you got tired of everyone warning you that you were supporting a hobosexual?
Having gotten that out, NTA. You’re shouldering the responsibility financially and emotionally. If he wants to move so bad, he should have taken on the mental load. Your partner should not be adding more stress. Is he the main reason you suddenly needed to move?
Think hard about the current dynamic and if you are actually happy vs. trying to avoid i told you so’s from other people.
NTA but what are you getting out of this relationship?
He’s 8 years older. Unemployed hobo-sexual. Why are you with this dude who can’t do anything for himself and be a functional adult in your relationship? If this is the love you think you deserve, you can have him. Save the rest of us from the lazy entitled bum.
THIS.
I also don’t know of any problems a 32-year-old has to rely on a 24-year-old for.
OP, kick his lazy ass out and get you a partner you DESERVE. As a 31-year-old, I promise, you can and should do SO MUCH BETTER.
“but instead of working with me. He puts everything on me and blames me when it doesn’t happen fast enough or when he wants it to.” Oof. My husband did that to me when we first got married. We had also moved cross country and were supposed to be looking for jobs but he did nothing. We lasted three weeks in the new place. My husband turned out to be a lot of promises and little action. It took two years for him to get his act together. When I look back, I realize marrying him was a mistake. Your boyfriend sounds immature. You might do better to cut your losses. I wish I had.
NTA but I would cut and run. (My husband was only 23. Your dude is 32. No excuses.)
NTA
You’re both under stress. Only 1 of you is actively working in fixing and getting rid of the stress, the other is just making more stress.
You’re not wrong for being frustrated and asking for help from the person that is supposed to be shouldering half the load.
At this point if he’s not ever going to grow up are you okay with that in 5 years down the road? 10? Keep in mind dating is like a job interview for a lifelong partner. If he’s not it, don’t feel bad.
If the answer is no, just look for a small studio in the safest neighborhood you can afford close to work. Move in solo without giving him the address or allowing him to guilt you into living together . Make sure when you leave his hotel is paid for a week to a month and tell him that’s all you can afford. Then stick to it. It will either be the kick into responsibility and adulting he needs or not. Either way it isn’t your responsibility.
He isn’t helping you pay for the hotel or look for a new place. And he can’t be doing much housework if you’re staying in a hotel. So what is he doing? Is he contributing to the relationship at all?
If he’s not helping, you have a right to point that out, especially since he’s also giving you a hard time for not already having done stuff you’re trying to do but get no help with.
NTA.
Info, please
He’s not doing anything to help the situation. You’re doing all the work to find a place. Why do YOU feel like an asshole?
Because I feel like sometimes I can be harsh. But then when I do I feel like shit about it. But he has no problem letting me know when he has a problem.
I mean can he really be responsible for finding and securing a house when he knows he doesn’t make any of the money that will be paying for it? I kinda see where he might be coming from in this situation. Bcuz if he picks a place and you don’t end up liking it, but you are the one paying for it, then you are going to be resentful towards him for the entirety of that lease!!
It’s not even the looking aspect he just is upset we have to pay again for a hotel because we haven’t found a house yet
Firstly ignore the comments about him not working outside the house they’re irrelevant and wouldn’t apply if situations reversed… provided its 50/50 .. I work , loads! My husband looks after me, house, kids, life admin.. I couldn’t do my job if he didn’t do his. it’s totally ok to tell him you’re frustrated with him and vice versa. Hard times often result in poor communication
Nta but I think the reason did moving that fast is relevant, however as partners, it should always be the two of you against the problem, working together to find a solution