Hi, I wanted to ask here, I know what I said sounds terrible, I’m a woman too I know that but this has torn my family up and I just wanted to get some perspective.
Over a year ago, my brother, who’s 25 years old started dating a woman 8 years older than him. For context I’m 7 years older than him, this woman is a year older than I am! And she has two kids, a teenage or almost teenage son and a daughter who’s younger. My parents thought he was ruining his life, he’s exceptionally bright, has a good job, and they were besides themselves. They’ve always been very supportive of us, and have always been supportive of our relationships (including his previous ones). It lead to fights, tears, and he cut them off. Our younger sister who still lives with our parents has been so mentally distressed by all this, my heart breaks for her. I was more diplomatic with it, in my mind he was just going out with her ok whatever, he’ll soon get the incompatibility and the added stress of a partner’s kids and move on. I kept communication open with him, and also gave my parents the hope that he’ll realize it.
A couple of days ago, he told me that he had proposed to her, and she’d said yes. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him why he was jumping the gun, its still so soon, he was just like they love each other, the kids especially the younger one have become close to him too so why delay it. I told him he was being stupid, I have two kids, its hard enough being a parent for your own kids, let alone someone else’s. That he has no idea what he’s in for, and he’s about to make a lifelong commitment. I also said that his fiancée was just using him, why the need to rush unless she’s just glad she’s found a stable husband and a father for her kids and a source for funds (she doesn’t have a stable job, she’s a dancer). That he’s so bright and ambitious and has a good fulfilling life ahead of him with someone whom he can actually be compatible with. He got pissed off at me, said he expected better of me than he did from our parents but I failed him. I told him about our younger sister how all of this has led to her developing anxiety and he blamed our parents for all of that.
AITA here? I’m trying to look out for him and our family. He has no idea what marriage with someone else’s two kids entails, when he’s just 25. However I do think that maybe I messed up by saying his fiancee was using him. Even if its true it may have been an AH thing to say and counter-productive. But she as a mother and an ex-wife should know what she’s makinh him commit to and she’s just ok with it.
INFO: what evidence do you have that she’s using him?
YTA. You’ve provided no evidence he’s being used. You just don’t like that she’s a little older and has children already.
Exactly! OP makes it sound like the brother’s fiance is worth less just because she’s older and has kids
YTA you may well end up being right, but it doesn’t really sound like you know the ins and outs of their relationship but rather that you’ve jumped to your conclusions based on the age difference and kids. Also, the way you approached this was definitely unhelpful and counterproductive
Your opinion on her using your brother has no ground
YTA. You and your parents, to be clear.
How, exactly, do you not see that your 25yo brother with the good job is an adult who can take responsibility for his own choices?
How, exactly, do you determine that this woman is just using him? Is she spending all his money? Has she asked him to cut himself off from you and your parents? I mean, she didn’t have to, you guys did that all yourselves. How incredibly judgemental of this woman who is your own age that she could not have anything to offer a potential partner except taking advantage of him. And even if it IS true, OP… it’s your brother’s life to live.
Finally, putting the blame on your brother for your sister’s anxiety is classic scapegoating. Your sister is in crisis due to your parents decisions and actions. You’d think your parents would be able to be civil to this woman for your sister’s well-being, even if they are unable to do so for your brother’s well-being.
How do you know she is “making” him commit? What if he truly is happy and this is what he wants? Besides her having kids, is there another reason you haven’t mentioned as to why you and your parents are so against it?
YTA. Nothing you’ve shared actually touches on his fiancée’s character – from what I can tell, you seem to think she’s using him *just* because she has kids. Not because she’s actually said or done anything to indicate that.
I think that the real problem they may have with her is the fact that she’s a “dancer.” They mention his lucrative career several times and I think that by mentioning that she’s a dancer she’s trying to imply that she’s with him to exploit his lucrative career.
(Edited for spelling)
Wow…YTA big time. It’s an 8 year age gap. That’s not that big. She has kids, this is not unusual either. He’s clearly spending time with them and you’re being very, very condescending to think he does not know what he’s in for. Plenty of people have step kids. You say she’s using him, but give no evidence to support that. You say they’re not compatible; he clearly thinks otherwise. Your brother is a grown man and can make his own decisions. You should hope that one of them will be to accept your apology, which you owe him with no further delay.
Given the only actual problem you seem to raise is that she’s 8 years older than him, kind of sounds like you and your family are massive assholes.
YTA. He’s 25, she’s 33. Big whoop. If the genders were reversed, nobody would say shit about it.
He lives with her, he knows what he’s signing up for.
Given that your only argument is her age and that she has children, YTA.
Your brother isn’t a little kid anymore. He might be making a mistake but it’s his to make.
YTA
Age gaps are a big problem if one person has very little adult life experience, and the other has a lot.
A 19 year old with a 25 year old is concerning. That’s one year of adult life against seven.
But 25 and 33 is not concerning or even noteworthy. He has 7 years of adult life experience. He is well into his adult life and an age that many people are getting married and having kids.
You don’t like her for him. Okay. You’re throwing a relationship with your brother away over nothing. You may still see him as a little kid, but he’s not.