I (34 y/o male) told my brother (26 y/o male) that we can just be acquaintances if that’s what he really wants. With a 9 year age difference and a lot of different situations, I ended up being pushed into a role where I was responsible for my brother in many ways. I even let him live with me for two years and with my wife and I for two more years after that. He would only do the bare minimum (after being begged to) around the house and would expect us to put up with it (the only problems my wife and I had during our first two years of marriage were because of him). Our relationship was not good when we lived together.
When he moved out, our relationship did get better. It’s been 3 years but he still asks me for my Amazon prime, my Sam’s club account, streaming services, for my wife to sew his clothes, for him to come over and do laundry at our place, for us to keep some of his stuff at our house, and sometimes he’s even asked us to wash his clothes. We have done all of these things though we do set boundaries because I have been taken advantage of before. I’ve been very clear that I just need communication. He ordered a bunch of pants through my business Sam’s account but when he went in person to return some of them, he was somehow able to get into my personal Sam’s account. He then used the account to buy more stuff in store. He did charge it to his own card but at no point did he communicate with me. All I wanted was a heads up. There was something weird that happened with my personal Sam’s account so when I went in to check it out, that’s when I saw that he had purchased stuff. After investigating, it became clear that he had to have impersonated me to get into my Sam’s account. I told him that he just needed to ask me or if I don’t respond in time, either text my wife (who will respond faster) and just let me know. He then went off on me saying that I treat him like an acquaintance or coworker when I ask for him to ask me if he ends up doing something more than was agreed upon. After some more back and forth, I told him that if he really wants to be acquaintances, then he needs to get the stuff I’m holding for him out of my house, give me back my house key, and that he can’t come to our Christmas celebration because no acquaintance or coworkers have that kind of relationship. So, AITA for agreeing to be acquantance/coworkers?
Nta, you set a boundary and he is describing that as acquaintances/coworkers, but your boundaries are reasonable and I wouldn’t consider them acquaintance/coworker boundaries. His idea of being brothers is a bit more immature and childish in my opinion. At both your guys adult age, the only normal thing is using each others Amazon etc and asking you to store things if you can (but not expecting it as a given). The rest like asking you to do laundry, impersonating you etc is a bit too much and does cross a line. Just make your boundaries clear and however he takes it is a him problem, he will grow up and get over it eventually
NTA. No one, at all, is entitled access to you and yours in anyway. Period. Without your consent. You can completely cut anyone and everyone out of your life for any reason you so choose. Yes, even blood family. If your brother is a negative influence on your peace and happiness, you can choose to cut him out, or limit his access to your life.
This sounds more like parents and child than siblings, wild. NTA
Quit babying him and get your key back. He’ll never advance in life unless he’s set adrift. Why would you have jeopardized your marriage. You’re lucky it survived.
NTA. I’d recommend changing the locks, though.
NTA When you’re used to privilege, accountability can feel like punishment.
Your relationship is quite enmeshed, and it sounds time to lose the stabilisers (training wheels)
I love my sibling with my whole heart, and I have never been expected to do their washing
He doesn’t want to be acquaintances. He thinks of you as a parent. You want some space. You would know best if he is trying to steal from you or if he’s just immature and thinks differently of your relationship than you do. It kinda sounds like his parents were a little absent? Do you know how to sew? Maybe your wife needs to set you both done with a pile of mending and teach you? My two cents is that ESH except your wife.
NTA But you are enabling him & letting him walk all over not only you but your wife too. This has become more of a parent/child dynamic rather than a sibling one. I can store something at my parent’s house indefinitely & I don’t have to ask. My parent’s allow their adult kids to get memberships cards under their business accounts. My parents allow us to walk in without knocking. I would never do any of these things with either of my siblings. I have stayed with my younger sister for a few days here or there cuz she lives in the city & I was invited. My younger brother will come & fish (I live on the water) or monkey around with my lawn (he weirdly likes mowing & snowblowing) if he feels like it but he always knocks if he needs something from the house. I have a very close & respectful relationship with my adult siblings. The relationship we all have with our parents was engineered on their end rather than ours. They’re exceptional parents & want all their kids to still feel like their house is home too so they get offended by knocking & want to provide little things to make our lives easier.
Boundaries are actually the things that maintain relationships cuz if things keep going as they are, your wife for sure & you next are going to build up too much resentment to continue the relationship with your brother. He’s grown. It’s time he started acting grown. His behavior shows a complete lack of respect for you & you are enabling that dynamic to a significant degree.
Are you sure this wasn’t a miscommunication where he meant like ‘the way you’re speaking to me I feel like you are treating me like an acquaintance or coworker’ not that he wants to be treated like an acquaintance. To me NAH just cause I don’t think what he did was really an asshole move, just kind of thoughtless and I think what you said was just a miscommunication so also not an asshole
The real question is why are you enabling someone and asking for a heads up going forward from someone who has willingly taken advantage of you at every possible turn?
Like “just give me a heads up that’s all I’m asking for” while he used your account to buy things ?? What??
I really hope you own that business, because otherwise you could very easily get fired and possibly arrested for embezzlement.
There’s nothing in your post that indicates that your brother is the one who wants to be acquaintances.