TLDR: So I [26 F] am biracial (black and white). My MIL [65 F) is white and for years has been making comments about my hair that has made me feel uncomfortable.
She’s an awkward woman and says a lot of out-of-pocket things… but back to this situation..
In the past she has made comments about my “black hair” and would compare it to her own hair (I guess cause it gets frizzy idk) she also would walk up behind me and start touching it without asking.
At thanksgiving I had shaved my head and decided to wear a wig, as I was nervous about explaining why I decided to shave my head or any questions that I would have to answer. As soon as we walked into her house she said in front of extended family members “that’s not your real hair.” I lied and said it was and she kept insisting it wasn’t. So I pulled my [26 M] fiancé aside told him that the touching and the comments made me feel uncomfortable and othered (for lack of a better word) almost immediately after I told him this his mother reached out to touch my hair and my husband gently pushed her hand down and said please stop. She ignored and reached again. My husband did the exact same thing which set her off. She stormed upstairs and slammed the door. I didn’t see her for the rest of the night. When my fiancé spoke to her she yelled, cried and told him he “was not the son I raised”
I told my fiancé I wanted her to watch videos or read about what micro-aggression is. She refused but said she wouldn’t talk about my hair at all. It worked at first but now she constantly asks me questions about hair products (I know almost NOTHING about) And has recently compared my hair texture to a family member based on a photo she saw on instagram (that family member was not having a great hair day) so I was a little upset but said nothing. I’ve observed that she doesn’t talk about hair with extended family members unless I’m part of the conversation. Almost every interaction I have with her is about hair or hair products and it’s exhausting. My fiancé doesn’t think it’s a big deal but it makes me feel weird.
So WIBTA if I asked her to stop talking about hair and commenting on my hair entirely, even if she insists it’s a compliment?
NTA
That’s so fucking weird of her and it sounds like you’ve been way more patient than she deserves tbh.
I feel your fiancé isn’t taking it seriously enough.
Say nothing. You should spam her with constant videos about hair, hair styles, products AND about hair micro aggression, policing and history. Eventually, only about the latter. 2 can play that game! Bombard her as much as she bombards you. If she gets offended – just cry, exactly like she would.
Sad to say, but I’ve noticed this is the only approach that works with white people. Especially white women. You have to get down to her passive aggressive level and play dumb. Anything else would be used against you.
Side note – I would seriously reconsider marrying into this family if at this point NO ONE has come to your aid. Not even your fiancé.
I say this as a white passing person, what the absolute heck? I will never understand why anyone thinks it’s appropriate to reach out and touch people, especially hair or baby bumps, without permission. I just dont get it. NTA but I agree with the poster above, fiance needs his act together and MIL needs to knock it off. Reminds me of that one movie where it was meet the parents but from different races and the actress (the woman from Seinfeld and veep) was just so totally clueless and cringe.
I’m white as fuck and I’ve never touched anyone without consent like I’ve never looked at a single person in my life and was like “I need to touch them and their hair.” And please note I have morbid levels of curiosity.
Why do you subject yourself to this woman? She makes you uncomfortable and does not respect your boundaries. I wouldn’t set foot in her house or spend a single minute with her until she can get her bullshit behavior under control. Partner can go see his parent alone but you are not there to satisfy her morbid curiosities or to be handled like a touch exhibit at a petting zoo.
NTA
Have a heart to heart with partner about needing to be respected like a person and treated like a person.
NTA. But a grey rock approach might be less confrontational, if that matters.
NTA. Awkward woman who says a lot of out-of-pocket things. Yep. Women who go on about hair, try to touch without permission and get angry when told no are asserting dominance in the relationship.
Grown woman threw a tantrum when she was told no. That’s entitlement in action. She can’t get her way through harassing you, she tries the tantrum.
OP, your future MIL is a stone-cold racist at bottom, and is masking it by this wildly bizarre OBSESSION with your hair. This is outright abuse, in my book. And it could be a deal-breaker. Either fiance steps up and defends you 100% against his batshit mother, or you are in for a lifetime of pain. Do not compromise on this!!
NTA all the way.
What I’m afraid about is this causing a rift between him and his mother — I have been debating if I want to spend Christmas Eve with her especially since she threw another tantrum about me spending Christmas Day with my immediate family instead of theirs
You are not causing a rift, she is. She’s using tantrums as weapons to get her way in life. What she is doing is making herself a third person in your relationship.
Your concern is how hubby feels about all of this. Talk to him.
1. Her actions are causing this. She is being passive aggressively racist to your face while playing the victim and throwing TANTRUMS as a grown ass woman bc she no longer has her son on her tit anymore.
2. Your fiancé should rewatch some of those videos himself. You told him it made you uncomfortable and he doesn’t get to say it’s not a big deal. As your partner he needs to be the one dealing with this accordingly as it’s his family. Your boundaries should be respected and understood by him. This is not a safe environment for you and he needs to understand why and continue to correct wrong behavior even if it upsets mommy dearest. She is not above consequences.
Any other normal person could drop it and make small talk about a thousand other things. She sounds racist af but also sounds like a crazy boomer who has weird racial insecurities and is just completely tone deaf to the matters at hand. Her tantrum after your fiancé stepping in kinda shows this. She may have felt embarrassed or wanted to take the attention off what she did and now play the victim. Either way it’s no excuse. If your finance has to go talk to her like a child to explain what’s happening have him do it. Not touching others unless having permission is literally what you teach a 3 year old.
Tell her you’d love to talk about other subjects besides hair bc it’s not one of your hobbies lol
She needs to be taught bodily autonomy and consent, but the tantrum she threw says you’re not going to get through to her. And your fiancé-husband (which is it?) isn’t fixing it either.
Distance yourself.
I’m white and people grab for my hair and it really sets me off.
There is a great John Oliver rant about black hair. Send her that. Really explains the complexity of the issue and the racism that is often involved. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf1c0tEGfrU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf1c0tEGfrU)
There is a kids book called “Don’t Touch My Hair” I would gift it to her for Christmas since she clearly was never taught manners.