I \[30F\] am visiting my parents \[60s\] from a different country where I’ve been living for several years. They now live in an area where I don’t know anyone else so it’s a bit isolating for me, especially because I can’t drive right now (no active driver’s insurance) and it’s not a walkable area at all.
Necessary background: My dad was always strict with me when I was growing up. Nothing was supposed to hurt, and crying wasn’t allowed unless bones were poking out (his favorite phrase was “Suck it up and get over it”). My mom generally didn’t argue with that sentiment even though she wasn’t actively saying it either.
This morning, my mom and I were sitting in the living room of their house when my dad came up behind the chair I was sitting in and leaned over to hug me. I braced myself in the chair because it rocks and I have a fear of it tipping over backwards (they both know this), and when he hugged me, his fingers dug into my arm and hurt. I said, “Ow,” and as he sat down, he used a childish voice to mock me, repeating my “Ow” like a mean sibling would. This is not the first time he’s done this, and I’ve told him several times in the past that I don’t appreciate it when he responds to me this way.
In response, I said, “Hey, that actually hurt.” I definitely had a frustrated look on my face, and he shot back, “Oh please, that didn’t hurt you. Stop overreacting and acting like a baby.” He’s said this I don’t know how many times to me, both growing up and as an adult, and usually I just let it go and ignore him. But something in me today told me I couldn’t do that.
I replied (much more irritated this time), “Hey, I’m allowed to have feelings. I’m not overreacting; that hurt.”
I don’t know why but that apparently triggered an entire shitstorm that I wasn’t expecting. He walked out of the room to go for a walk (clearly angry), and my mom left the room too and didn’t speak to me. I went to the guest room where all of my things are because I assumed my dad just needed to calm down before we talked about it. Unfortunately I was very wrong.
I overheard them talking when he got back (I couldn’t make out anything until he loudly whispered, “I’m done”). He didn’t speak to me as he packed a bag and left to drive to another town. Instead, my mom confronted me while I was making something to eat and berated me, saying I was acting like a teenager and pushing them away and that I had hurt my dad’s feelings because “he was just trying to give you a hug.” I avoided arguing with her because it generally just escalates because she doesn’t listen to me when I try to explain my side of things.
Neither of them have spoken to me since he left an hour and a half ago, and now I’m considering moving my flight up and asking a family friend to drive the two hours to get me out of this house.
AITA here? Do I need to apologize, like my mom seems to think?
NTA your dad is emotionally immature and can’t handle being called out.
Dad is doing it on purpose to show he’s in charge or to get a reaction.
NTA, you should NOT have to apologize for saying ow when something hurts you. My family is the same way. Your dad probably thinks it shouldn’t have hurt, but that’s just his perspective, and I think he has a skill issue. He needs to learn to consider others’ perspectives.
**NTA.** You set a clear, reasonable boundary about your body and your feelings, and your dad ignored it, hurt you, and then escalated when you called it out. Saying “that hurt” and “I’m allowed to have feelings” is not overreacting, it’s basic self-advocacy. Your dad’s pattern of minimizing pain and labeling emotional responses as weakness doesn’t make your reaction wrong in a sense it explains why this moment hit a breaking point. Your mom is framing this as you hurtin*g his* feelings while dismissing the physical pain and repeated boundary violations misses the core issue. You don’t owe an apology for stating a boundary or for being honest about pain. If anything, the appropriate next step: 1. you choose to take one, it is a calm conversation later about consent, respect, and how you expect to be treated, but only if it feels safe and productive, or 2. Moving to your friend’s place to get space right now sounds reasonable.
No, you don’t need to apologise. Maybe ‘it was nice of you to hug me, but if you hurt me., unfortunately it’s ruins the moment. If you then insist I wasn’t hurt, it’s much worse.’
They need to ask themselves some questions. Jesus.
I kind of would leave, if you can. Being treated like this won’t get you or them anywhere. They should be asking AITA, not you.
Love should not hurt.
NTA, is he 12? What grown man acts like this? Obviously you’re allowed to feel pain and when someone causes that pain you should be allowed to tell them without being mocked for it. This reminds me of my brother when we were growing up, but we were both children.
Next time he pulls that shit, give it right back to him. He is a classic bully. I bet he hurts your mom too.
NTA. Cut him out of your life. Wtf is wrong with him?
Your physically hurts you, you are not allowed to react, you react with words and cry baby runs away.
Not a bones sticking out tough guy really. You are probably tougher than he is.
NTA
You know he did that on purpose right? Dug his fingers in? He did that to get a reaction, so he could call you names for not liking being hurt.
NTA
NTA. Presumably it was unintentional and he should have just apologized. Instead, he walked out to another town. That’s really over the top. It sounds like your mother has been in an abusive relationship for years. There’s nothing you can do about that, but take it into consideration as you frame your response. You’ll leave soon (and possibly never visit again) but she’s stuck there and seems unlikely to change her situation.
Given the rest of the post I would NOT presume it was unintentional.
NTA. Yes. Move your flight up and ask a friend to drive you to the airport. Your abusive father is not going to change, and neither is your enabling mother. Remove yourself from the situation, and if your father apologizes, you can resume virtual contact with them. Think twice about ever visiting again unless they really make changes.